   Caladbolg777 1/10/10 . chapter 1Very interesting. I must admit I have a similar theory to why the witches cry that I am writing about as well. Please feel free to check it out, it's called Survivors. I'm interested to hear what you have to say.
With that shameless pitch aside, onto the review:
I think the main things I picked up on is a lack of atmosphere and the language you use for this story. Both of these I think are in need of improvement, but I'd also like to say you're got a good start as well.
Despite witches being in their own world, I would also argue that they are a little aware of their surroundings. Aside from that you can also really go into detail with the witch's memories, and I think it needs more detail because at this point the memories are a little bland. Vague is good for a character like the witch, but I think you don't have enough detail to really reel people in with the memories to truly connect with the witch's character.
One of the ways you can do this is you can create a story out of the witch's memories instead of just adding in random tidbits of vital information. If the witch remembers everything, personally I'd like to see her remember much more because in reality she is remembering much more. You can also really go into detail of the witch's home life, maybe talk about little everyday observations - what the kitchen table looked like, a painting on the wall, a pet: very commonplace items so common nobody normally thinks about them. In an apocalyptic atmosphere like Left 4 Dead those everyday images can be really powerful.
Not only can you develop a story inside your main story - which is to exercise your theory, but through this story you can also work on the witch's character. A lot of the witch can be built into the memories, especially her tone in retelling her memories (like longing, or a tone of alienation/isolation, loneliness), how she reacts to her own memories, and also what she remembers/what memories she chooses to tell. I don't think I could give you specifics at the moment, but I can email you some if you like.
The language you have is mostly exposition (telling how things are), and while this can be good I'm not so sure if it completely fits. I'm not saying you should take it out, but perhaps lessen it since the whole story is written in this tone. The reason why is because the way I see it is you've got an intensely personal experience that is being told almost the witch is having an out-of-body experience. It's in first person, but it is written like it is in third person to a certain extent. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but let me know if it doesn't.
I like how you have your sentences clipped and short so that your pace is quick, intense, and very fitting for the pain part. However maybe you want to slow down for the memories, and this is a place where that clipped tone doesn't work so well I think. It's up to you, but I think that would be the place to really kick in developing the witch's character. You don't have to give a life story, but maybe a really interesting way to approach this is to give just enough information to the reader so they can understand the memories, but keep it vague. You do this pretty well with the way you structure your memories now, but I recommend trying the reverse method - the important information is not important realistically.
I hope this isn't too long of a review, and I hope I haven't badgered you with "you need to do this" and "do that." If I have and it's affected you in a negative way, I'd like to apologize ahead of time. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I'd love to chat about the witches. They've always been interesting characters to me.
If you happen to read that story I mentioned before, I'd like to know what you think if you don't mind. Thanks for reading and best of luck to you.
Keep up the good work!
Caladbolg |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination 
mobile edition