I like to review as I read along. You'll see me nit-picking until the very end, in which I'll give my opinion about the entire story. I am not familiar with this fandom one bit, so canon is nothing something I can take and talk about.

When you write in the past tense form, at all cost avoid 'was' in it. While you are using past tense, you aren't talking about the past that happened awhile back. It's a bit harder to explain, however, if you read a guide to Writing, it should make much more sense with tons of examples.

his head bobbling quickly.]

'Quickly' makes the sentence seem as if the head bobbling was an involuntary action, rather than caused by a small ditch in the road. Use a synonym for it.

I didn't really want to anger him more than he already was (we'd probably get a DUI or something for his driving, assuming we didn't already get one for his normal driving 'skills', and I definitely use that word lightly)]

Use parenthesis in a sentence like this at a last resort. That sentence can be done without the use of parenthesis and can make the flow of the story a lot better.

"Ditto,"]

If there isn't any words after a dialogue, use the period instead of a comma.

(but that was wild guess.[should be a ;] [remove..]Just that I just couldn't imagine windows on the stupid thing, for God knows what reason).

I have no idea what this means. But it halts the flow of the story. If it is something to do with the story, clarify. If it is your note to the reader, take it out; Author's notes only do well in the beginning or ending of the story, nowhere in the middle.

I will not discriminate… much,"]

Ellipses are used as a pause, so no space needed between them and the word that follows them. Also, if you're not going to add onto the dialogue, take out the comma and replace it with the period.

You've got some misplaced punctuation throughout the story. Commas missing in places they shouldn't be. If in the story, character 1 is directing a sentence/question to character 2, a comma is needed before character 2's name or a word that's referring to him, such as 'asshole'.

First looks into a story are everything; the beginning started out good, but the story then gets shaky. Whether it is the way you do your dialogue, or the way the story just loses its strength in using proper punctuation, it depends. Adding onto the first looks, the introduction was done poorly.

As I've mentioned I do not know much about this fandom, but are the swear words everywhere necessary? Kyle comes off as a delinquent that way.

Also, Kyle's introduction in the very beginning was something that put me off immediately. That's for beginners. For a good author, use other techniques, such as:

"Kyle!" I turned to stare at the nearing figure that shouted my name.

That was a simple example, and most used by some of the FFN writers. I would suggest you get a beta to look over the mistakes you might overlook and try your hand at looking at a writing guide, maybe on google or other search engines.

Good luck

Regards,

Mandy

Okay, I have to say this made me laugh, and when a story can make me laugh that really is good on my page.

I didnt find any mistakes, in that sense, so everything is good on that page. This is a good story, I would love to see more of it.

-YourSorrowCause/MsMassacreSongs

I hope you don't mind if I give a little crit here.

While this made me laugh, and I really enjoyed the dialogue (I don't know the fandom though) there were a few problems that kind of stuck out to me.

The first was this sentence:

[[I, Kyle Lawrence, laughed happily at the pride he took in false 'size' Jokes. ]]

This is first person, and no one (that I know of) refers to themselves by their full name inside their own minds.

I mean, I don't sit there going, 'I, Private Tucker, blah blah blah'. Do you?

And since his name is revealed later on, it's redundant.

The other thing that I didn't really like was the constant use of parentheses in Kyle's thoughts. Once or twice is okay, but you used it so many times that it seemed excessive. I'm sure there is a better way to get those thoughts across and break up the sentences.

Granted, I have a tendency to abuse dashes...

But I really did enjoy the prose and dialogue you have here because it brought a smile to my face despite not knowing the characters.

I loved the first chapter, though I already told you that (:

“I would play nice, but I have suspicions that you will rape me in the backseat of your car,”

My favorite part. XDD