What can I say, I loved both the Ambigouity, the Suspense, and The Eventually Romance and Happy Ending (if I could call it that!) Great Job, and Thank You for writing this Thrilling Story! )
This kinda reminds me of my own AxS fic I'm writing, except Asuka's the one who thinks about killing herself. Though both of them are all angsty with everything that happened.
Anyway, I really liked your fic so far. I personally think Shinji would at least be *somewhat* mentally unstable after 3I, espeically the semi-void look in his face during the final scene when he's back on the beach with Asuka.
You had a few spelling errors and a few grammatical ones, but that's irrelevant. What really matters is the fact that you executed it almost to perfection. You cut it off when it needed to be cut off, you included what you needed to include, and while the fic was somewhat lacking in detail over-all it had just the right amount of substance to make it enjoyable.
Lemonsuckers too lazy to sign in 2/25/02 . chapter 2
That was, ok... I didn't expect shinjiu to actually do something!
Nancy 1/27/02 . chapter 2
as much as i hate asuka, the way you write made me feel very touched...please write more!
Aetolus 1/26/02 . chapter 2
like i said before, i like this story. and with the addition of the second chapter, i like it even more. please continue. keep up the good work.
stalin 1/24/02 . chapter 2
You've made the story even better now, you could easily continue with the plot. I think you should because it has all been very good so far. Keep going with it, and keep up the good work.
2. You kept the power on and the water running - fine.
3. I think that when Shinji went through Third Impact, he would have realized somewhere along the way why Ayanami did what she did. However, this point really isn't important to this fiction.
4. I see how you've changed the ending.
Hmmm...
It almost seems that it's Shinji that either wants all of Asuka or none of her.
5. Wow, Shinji finally said it: "Stop teasing me".
-[Chapter 02]-
1. It seems that Shinji feels the ennui of life.
2. Huh? A mercy killing? Shinji trying to justify wanting to kill her seems unnecessary.
3. Ahhh, there we go, cold-blooded Shinji.
4. Do you know how long it must have taken Asuka to "clear out" their building? I'm not even going to include the surrounding buildings. Dang, she must be fast! (I'm going to conveniently overlook this.)
Why not just lock the doors and hide the keys? Maybe even barracade some of them from the inside before slipping out. Shinji - even post-Third Impact Shinji - probably would give up easily faced with closed buildings and locked doors.
5. He's tried three times before to kill her? I wonder if you included this to show that some time has passed. Maybe, instead of trying to kill her three times, he could have tried to leave her (either physically leave her or attempt suicide) three times.
6. Ordinarily, I'd say that Asuka wouldn't ever let Shinji hurt her. However, I can see how she could become tired of defending and protecting herself all the time.
7. Ah, Asuka's patented reaction vs Asuka's fear of being alone.
8. That's one strong door. Poor Asuka!
9. You could have done without the Bible reference.
10. For some reason, I liked the scene that begins with Shinji telling Asuka to stop teasing him and ends with Asuka telling him that she loves him.
11. "the way her foot bled... The way her foot bled? 'Asuka, you're hurt.'" is unnecessary.
12. "'Kiss me, please,' he asked." is also unnecessary. Either one could have kissed the other without being asked and it would have seemed perfectly natural.
13. Delete that last line! "That didn't stop him from apologizing."
#Review
1. (Ambivalent) Fair mix of dialogue and narrative.
2. (Praise) Story Element: Asuka being tired of defending herself all the time.
3. (Praise) Revisions: I think that story changed for the better with your revision and chapter two.
4. (Critiq) In chapter two, you included details and dialogue that, in my opinion, were completely unnecessary. For example, the part about Asuka clearing out several buildings could have been left out without affecting the story.
5. (Ambivalent) Story Element: Slightly different from other post 3I stories.
I've read several post-3I fictions that either had Shinji chasing after Asuka or Shinji and Asuka living together and eventually getting closer. In this story, neither one happens. Instead, even though Shinji and Asuka have been living together for a while, they haven't become any different or any closer than they were in the series - at least until chapter 2.
#Summary
Fair one-shot overall.
There are a few things that I don't like about it. However, I do like the concept/story as a whole.
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