i love it! please write more.

I'm sorry but I didn't like this story. Usually I like these kinds, don't get me wrong but...

It started promisingly but then it just seemed to lose track of itself and forget what was happening.

You keep switching from past to present tense. Also your grammar needs work or even just a quick revision of what you wrote would be fine.

The storyline was fine - but you need to present it better. It all seemed meshed together and slightly rushed, with little thought.

The only word I can think of to describe this is "random". Everything was put together and the pace wasn't right. It didn't give me the right feeling. :/

"My dad regained consesness and fumbled over to the bedside." Firstly, it is spelt "consciousness", but before that, you said that the father was already sat up and staring at her. A continuity problem.

The girl seems dismissive and uncaring toward her parents by her attitude too, despite what happened to her. For example, when thinks, "Deer in the head lights much, dad, I thought."

I don't mean to be so patronising, I am merely offering my view of the story and I hope this will be helpful. You have the potential to be a good writer if you take more time and care in your story-writing. :)

Naomily4EVA xx

woh THIS STORY IS AWESOME

UPDATE PRETTY PLEASE :P

:)

I wish this had a sequel!

continue? :D

Oh! This is really good :D

awesome! i love this! it's creepy, but good!

awwsome! I hope you make a sequel

WHAT A FREAKIN' CREEPER! THAT BASTARD! man that gives me the chills! Even thoug Promnight was a cool movie an all. gosh i am gonn ahave nightmares about this!

that was really good!

when she woke up i thought it was a dream!

but it wasn't - REALLY surprising!

:)

Thank you.:) I like it.:)

Oh...my...god! That was amazing! You are so good! I loved it. It was intense and suspenseful. The man was so creepy and eerie. You did a VERY good job.