|Reviews for Batman: Beyond Terry|
| Hockeygirl28 1/14/13 . chapter 4
Great story, it seemed a little rushed but still good
| angelrider13 5/10/11 . chapter 4
This was my favorite chapter of the whole thing! Good job!
| Wildcard999 2/2/11 . chapter 2
Okay, this is pretty interesting. It's mostly an overview, summing up what's going on, but you pretty much said you didn't put much effort into the plot. I guess that extends to writing the plot as well. It's a fun idea and I'm totally reading more.
This does and doesn't sound like Mary McGinnis. Her position on Wayne and what she says about him is totally her, but the word choice sounds a little off. A little bit too formal. It's more hiring-Terry-scene Bruce Wayne than Mary McGinnis. She's also too aware of what most people just leave as vague feelings. Bruce would know, but he makes it his business to know WHY he has a feeling about someone. But Mary wouldn't really think about it.
Another easy line to break up:
/Part of Alfred's primary function was to scan the news to root out organized crime and corruption in Gotham City. He'd compile news stories, looking for connections and extrapolating possible criminal involvement./
You start with the general, to give the reader a general idea of his primary function, then start a new sentence to explain how he does it.
/The armour protected the rest of his body fairly well from the astronomical levels of radiation.../
I don't remember the first Batsuit giving radiation protection of any significance, let alone enough to protect 'fairly well'.
With regard to an earlier review, I'm guessing that you are assuming Mary had Terry around 18, add his approx. age of 17 from the show, plus about 7 years that's passed during your prologue and you get about 42, right? Making Mary 35 on the show, which is probably accurate considering that as mom-ish as she looks, she's still very young and beautiful. It's just unusual to think of a teen's mom being so young.
/"Terry didn't back down or even flinch..."/
That wasn't even an ATTEMPT at a transition! At least when you started the flashback you put in a page break. But here you just popped back to the present with no warning at all.
/...correlation that would indicate weather something required Batman's attention./
Weather is storms and sunlight but whether can be either.
/He searches the spectrum of signals that are whizzing about in the cave and homes in on the one going to Terry's cell phone in time to hear the message that is left./
You just inexplicably switched to present tense. It continues for part of a paragraph, then inexplicably changes back to past tense.
/Alfred activated the suits homing beacon/
Suit's is a possessive. Needs an apostraphe.
| Wildcard999 2/1/11 . chapter 1
Boy, your sentences go on forever. A little too long, actually. A lot of them would greatly benefit from being chopped up. You're cramming way too much info into the same sentences. I had the same problem a few years ago, but when I started chopping things up and isolating really important information in shorter sentences everything started to sound better and my writing didn't seem to drag on and on and on:
/He ejected from the Batmobile as they entered the airspace over Downtown Gotham. He had the high tech machine patrol using it's highly advanced sensors to find sounds of trouble. Meanwhile he ran a separate patrol to cover more ground./
This sentence neatly divides into three seperate sentences and aren't difficult to remember by the time they end.
/He could technically win now because Bruce would get all worked up an either his heart or lungs would start acting up, but he just wasn't desperate enough to win an argument that he would stoop to that level."/
You might want to reread this sentence. For one thing, it's not dialogue.
/He's and AI I made to help you.../
/"Right. And I suppose to had the R&D guys bring these down here?"/
/...fearing the worse but his worries were relieved when.../
/...video feed to fend off boredom./
Not really something Terry would say. Even a more educated Terry. He's more of a 'keep from being bored' kind of guy. He uses common words and phrases because that's what everyone around him uses and he never really cared about learning extra words.
/"Then stop nattering at me and go do your rounds."/
Is nattering an American word? I'm pretty sure it's British, right? If so, you might want to get an American beta to help you out with picking out non-American words.
/"Very good sir." He could be mistaken but did he just hear Bruce laugh in the background?
"Alright Bruce," Terry said as he leapt out of the jet and glided off the landing pad and towards the main computer.../
Did I miss something? How did he get from being out in the field to suddenly back at the cave again? Is he a teleporter now?
Lol, classic Terry. He's always biting off more than he can chew, then getting his butt kicked. I take it he forgot that the differences between Batsuits was more than just design? The old one had little, if any, radiation shielding.
| badkidoh 1/20/10 . chapter 4
| badkidoh 1/19/10 . chapter 3
Another great chapter. so update.
| TheDarkPrinceofSaiyans 1/18/10 . chapter 2
Great chapter! Keep up the good work. Only one thing caught my eye:
"...begun to look a great deal older than her forty-two years deserved" I am pretty sure that Mrs. McGinnis is well over her 40's by now. Probably into her mid to late 50's at the youngest. :)
Can;t wait for another update!
| Shinigami Of Nightmares 1/17/10 . chapter 2
| badkidoh 1/16/10 . chapter 2
Another great chapter.I look forward to the next update.
| ShadowHawk 1/16/10 . chapter 1
interesting, PS - Need to ask if you can give an assessment for my Two-Face Story regarding the latest chapter.
| TheDarkPrinceofSaiyans 1/16/10 . chapter 1
Yay first review!
Great first chapter and I look forward to more! Keep up the good work, my friend.