|Reviews for ABC of Charlie Whumps|
| pechika 1/12/13 . chapter 13
:D this was cute
| CrimsonMoon2009 3/31/11 . chapter 10
| Starfishyeti 3/23/11 . chapter 10
You have some good ideas and the story has potential (just ignore those Americans who don't understand British English!).
However, there is room for improvement.
For example in chapter 10 you change from the past tense to the present:
...replied (past) Charlie still hopping around. "It's not funny, can u (using phone abbreviations isn't good English) please help me here!"
Don packs (present) up the sleeping bags and the rest of the equipment...
And try to think how people really talk. By not using contractions you make them sound very formal. Compare these 2 versions:
"Woh Don! Yeah I would love to go with you, so when are you getting back from New York. I am almost finished here so whenever you get back we can leave almost straight away."
"Woah, Don! Yeah, I'd love to go with you. So, when are you getting back from New York? I'm almost finished here, so whenever you get back we can leave almost straight away."
Have you thought about using a beta?
Keep writing and I'm sure you'll get better.
| CrimsonMoon2009 1/7/11 . chapter 8
Awesome story so far cant wait for the rest.
| charlieeppes 6/21/10 . chapter 1
The first chapter was alright. The ACL part is incorrect though. It the ACL is torn, then surgery is the only option to repair it...not 11 weeks of staying off of it. My room mate just had ACL surgery in April, so I definitely know what I am talking about, but it does take months to recover. She can't do ANY sports until October and she is going through Physical Therapy now. It would be nice if you actually did a little research on this before using it, but I can understand why research might be tough to do.
| luvnumb3rs 6/20/10 . chapter 6
Who is Mum I htought it was mom. I have never heard any of the Eppes refer to their mother as mum. But other than that a good update.
| samgirl19 5/22/10 . chapter 5
oh yeah i heard about that ash cloud it was on my local news because some students from some conneticut school were stuck over there
| samgirl19 5/22/10 . chapter 4
well at least charlie was lucky and didnt have his tonsils removed well i wasnt so lucky i was like 8 yrs old when mine was removed and i got to miss a week of school yea
| samgirl19 5/21/10 . chapter 3
oh college the time high school kids go out to experience there own freedom lol i go to a community college so i'm still at home lol
| samgirl19 3/31/10 . chapter 2
ouch charlie should've listened to don and now look what happened
| samgirl19 3/31/10 . chapter 1
im a fan of charlie whumpage and cant wait to read more
| luvnumb3rs 3/31/10 . chapter 2
This chapter was a little messy but it is a great concept. You should get a Beta an go from there, hope to see more soon.
| luvnumb3rs 3/31/10 . chapter 1
Awesome, I love where the story is going. I hope you know though that it is Agent Sinclair.
| turnipchick 3/31/10 . chapter 2
I really love this whole idea! For some reason I ( and I guess some others as well) just love imagining my favourite characters in peril :P! The writing could benefit from a bit of editing, and I don't know if you have a beta, as I'm sure that would help polish what is already a very good start!
But overall, a great beginning, I can't wait to read more!
Turnipchick xx :)