First off, just like to say that I'm enjoying this so far. o: I searched for Nuzlocke stories, having recently began my own Nuzlocke run (and have a story in mind, as well as drawing a comic), and I came across this.

Basically the only grammatical error I could find it this:

His pokemon, I mentally corrected myself, His, not ours.

(I know yours is in italics, but I don't think it shows up here in the review thing.) Basically that comma after 'myself' should be a period, since what she thinks about after that is not the same sentence as the thoughts prior to it. Or, if it is part of it, then the capital H in 'His' needs to be a lowercase, since otherwise it would be like putting a capital letter in the middle of a sentence.

I think it would have been better to call her something other than Dawn, since when you say Dawn I think of the anime one, but other than that I think I loved just about everything else. Unlike the reviewer before me, I didn't care/mind that you started it off like the game, since, haha, it's based off your Nuzlocke run of the game anyway!

I like that you gave the starly reason to attack as well, since it kinda annoyed me in the game how they just attacked, and although it may be a basic reason, it suffices and is better than no reason at all. I also liked how Dawn thought about those things-especially about how her piplup just decided to fight for her when it didn't even know her, because now that I think about it, it's a bit unrealistic that a pokemon should fight for someone they don't know. Although there is the case of them fighting to defend themselves, but you know. xD

Anywho, I know you said you probably won't finish this, but I think it would be a shame if you didn't, or didn't keep going. D: I know writing a story based on a game can get tedious and unrefreshing at times - since I decided to write Explorers of Sky in story format, and that only lasted two chapters as well - but I think you could pull it off. o: I like your vocabulary, the structure of things, the grammar, and the characters seem much realer than those in the games. The only thing I'd suggest is a bit more detail with things like when they were going to Lake Verity. I would think they'd talk about it the whole time or something, and you said the trail disappeared into the forest, but you didn't explain the forest at all, and just skipped to when you get out of it. I mean, you could probably even just say that it was a narrow path between trees in a forest that was pretty crowded, but soon came to an opening-the opening at the start of Lake Verity.

So yeah. :P I hope you do decide to continue this, or maybe write another pokemon story I could read (xD), but I understand if you don't want to. c:

Flareon.

Huh, this is really well done. Unfortunately it's still the whole fakeout opening wake up replay beginning of game thing, but it's grammatically correct and well written.