this has a little more info than darin's story, but it is a little more confusing. it's hard for the reader to follow when so much info is thrown at them all at once. I would try and star a little slower and introduce the characters a little slower and spread out.

also, you desperately need to switch from the passive voice to the active voice. don't just state what happened using the past tense. what's happening in the story needs to be happening now.

another thing is that you need to use more descriptive details and adjectives. you are severely lacking meat to your story. right now it's basically just an outline. you have a severe lack of details. use more of them.

all in all, if you want to really put some real effort into your writing, i suggest restarting again, but this time enter the story in the present tense. maybe start the story while darin is watching the fight where johnny loses to randy. you could make the first sentence something simple like "He was dead." something simple and vague. after that you can go onto explain what happened, introducing the first two characters, randy and johnny. then go on to explain you and your family's situation and introduce yourself. oh, and you don't need an incredible amount of detail about yourself explained all in one sentence. rather spread the detail out and slip them in subtlety (ex, "her hair is brown with highlights" vs. "her brown, highlighted hair blew softly in the wind")

ok, i'm sorry. i'm totally ranting. but i was just tutoring earlier so i'm kinda in that mode right now. XP and i tend to be very critical... anyway, other than that, the idea is really good. you seem to have a very active imagination. i'd love to see where you're going to take this story. :)

sounds interesting, but it could use some work. i read Darins story, and i want to know where this is going, so update! just keep working on grammar, i guess.