Where are the opening credits! I liked them! You could have used a music cue!

Cool is all I have to say about this epic story. I hope you do the opening credits dood.

Hey! This is a pretty awesome story rendition of the game. I hope you'll keep it up; stories in books are just as good as games.

Can't you just recharge the battery? And welcome to a vast portion of Week 2.

Not bad at all. Imagery is your strong suit, it appears. I especially like how your diction reflected Neku's personal outlook on life, making the images you created both vivid and dull. An oxymoron yes, but I have no other way of describing it. This clearly introduces any newcomer to Neku in an instant.

A couple of notes I made...

There is no disclaimer.

In other words, Tetsuya Nomura can press charges for direct plagiarism, especially since you are writing a novelization of the game. That would be a shame, to see someone talented as you are lose their account. Simply toss in the note that you do not own TWEWY and have no intention to use this story for any financial gain.

Secondly, I thought the prologue to be extremely short. Yes, I understand that it mirrors the original game's prologue, but I hope to see your chapters become a bit longer in the future.

Now one final note, or rather a question: Why is someone who can write like this using the original story as a crutch for a fan fiction? In other words, why are you not writing an original story? Just from this small sample of your writing, I'm sure that you could create a great piece. After all, this IS - a place FOR original fan-based works. Is that why you signed up? I know you have a fictionpress account as well, so why don't you go for something like that here?

Don't sell yourself short. It's sort of like jumping of a diving board into a cold pool. Take a deep breath and go for it. Write an original piece. I'm positive you can make something that will be memorable.

In conclusion, you have great potential. Go for it. I'm rooting for you.

Please feel free to message me if you need. I wish you the best of luck.

Until next time,

SilverWingedGentleman

Nice.

Oh? Well done!

I like the story version of the game.

This is very interesting. Usually novelizations don't strike much interest in me, but this is particularly well done, the summary especially. I do have to say, however, that "I don't get people; never have; never will;" comes before "I've got my values, so you can keep yours, all right?"

So, I'm very impressed with the accuracy.

There's only 2 things that are fine, but could be better, in my opinion.

The way they battle is vaguely described, as in the game they are in some sort of alternate dimension to each other, but the heartbeat thing is great.

Secondly, the action is also a little vague and non-thrilling to read.

Other than that, it's a good read. I like it so far.

This is a pretty good start. Although it may be just a tad too short. But I see the necessity of it. Maybe in further chapters you can expand on it more as well as detail.

I look forward to what you may bring to this great game. :D