|Reviews for Rosalina's Story|
| alex 2/3/13 . chapter 1
hi rosalina how to pley of mario galaxy 2
| jvdm.thecupcakeishere 11/28/12 . chapter 9
Some of your wording is weird. The phrase "understanding light his eyes" might work better with 'lit' replacing 'light' or the phrase replaced with 'An understanding look lit his eyes'. And the phrase 'they began to fencing' could easily be replaced with 'they began to fence' or 'the fencing commenced'. Also, when Montoya is described as not comprehending the idea of losing, you do not match up with the previous comment he makes, asking what should happen to the girl provided he lose. It will be intresting to see how you complete the fanfiction.
| jvdm.thecupcakeishere 11/28/12 . chapter 8
But, the damper I am, there is room for improvement. Your vocabulary could use work. Also, your phrase, 'he swore with every word' is a bit mystifying. But your cliffhanger was...intresting.
| jvdm.thecupcakeishere 11/28/12 . chapter 7
I feel that "the voice" is distracting. And, ironicaly, though I hate to agree with it, the voice is right : Rosalina is turning into a bit of a brat.
Keep up the good work,
| jvdm.thecupcakeishere 11/28/12 . chapter 6
Not much to add,
In answer to your question, dolt is a slang word, but a word nonetheless. It is not a choice word, but consitering it is used in dialouge, it's ok. Also, 'hmph' isn't a word so instead of using 'said' try 'grunted'. But I thought it was good.
| jvdm.thecupcakeishere 11/28/12 . chapter 5
A couple of things Beagle bug,
Firstly 'meaner' is not strictly a word. If you were using it in dialouge, the circumstance would be different. As you are not, some good words to use might be tyrant, overlord, or bully. Rosalina is a bit bold, I think, to the man who holds life or death over her. But it was ok.
Just an idea or two,
PS I do like Montoya's soft side
| jvdm.thecupcakeishere 11/28/12 . chapter 4
I thought his chapter was well written and I enjoyed it. I really don't have much to write except that I thought that your phrase 'tying up various ropes up.' was awkward. But it was good
| jvdm.thecupcakeishere 11/28/12 . chapter 3
Hey beagle bug,
I enjoyed your third chapter but there were a few things that didn't quite fit. For starters, the phrase 'it felt like only yesterday' is good, but a bit cliché. Also, your vocabulary could use some work. As you're starting to get into the meaty plot, you need some meaty vocabulary to match. A good writer engages the reader with well sourced vocabulary and complex sentence structure. Then there was your flashback. The gypsy sentiment is sweet, but some details didn't fit. First, gypsies didn't live in houses. They were, and still are, the few nomadic people who survived. They traveled in caravans (and not the sweet Madeline descripion in the children's book by Ludwig Belman) or stayed hidden in groups outside of cities, considering the fact that they were generally hated by society (I refer you to the gypsies from The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo, which took place around that time) If, however, in an odd set of circumstances a family of gypies did live alone, they most likely wouldn't live in a house.
| jvdm.thecupcakeishere 11/28/12 . chapter 2
Dear beagle bug,
I'm back! This chapter was a good introduction. I found that you used good use of the word said, varying it with exclaimed, cried, and mumbled. The dialouge was well written, however, it is extensive, and while there are good descripive paragraphs, the end of the chapter is cut down to dialouge. Rosalina seems to jump at the princess in the end, a bit overhopeful for a street urchin, who is probably exposed to the harshness of society at its fullest. If, perhaps, Rosalina was pushed out by the over excited crowd and stumbled in front of the princess, humbly excusing herself then blurting out her situation.
Just a couple of thoughts,
| jvdm.thecupcakeishere 11/28/12 . chapter 1
Dear beagle bug,
I thoroughly enjoyed your fanfiction, he princess bride is a favorite of mine. I have some constructive criticism, though.
Chapter 1 was well written, but I found it a little unnecessary. The details of this chapter could have easily been woven into the next chapter. Also, this chapter was written in first person while the rest is written in third person. I found it rather confusing.
PLEASE READ ON! I HAVE REVIEWS ON YOUR OTHER CHAPTERS!
| RippahGoneWolf 11/20/12 . chapter 9
It's interesting. i love the movie.
| guest 10/25/12 . chapter 9
| person 10/21/12 . chapter 4
Dont stop writing or Ill have to maim you
| person 10/21/12 . chapter 1
short but cute
| Le Fay 8/14/12 . chapter 9
This is great!