Ok! No offense but how would he be able to feel the baby kick at 9 weeks?

i like it at least the jasper/bella mix. for this story i dont really like edward but i see how you wanted this story to go.

love it

omg i cant wait for the other story

To start off, I love your idea for the story. It's a great idea and it's a good read. Honestly though, you need to work on your writing. The characters don't really develop. You need to find a happy middle between rushed through ( in my opinion, the whole stories was rushed.) and too long. Your punctuation and spelling needs work. In my personal opinion, if you want to keep writing stories, find a Beta or go over your stories and proof read like no tomorrow.

To finish off this little critique I'll go into Jaycee. Please, before you write something you don't have experience with you need to do research to make the readers experience as real as possible. Number 1: Babies do not even remotely come close to sitting up at 2 months old, even if they propped up by pillows. Then can't even turn over at two months old. Number 2: In chapter 11, it is mentioned that she is about to be a year old. Typically, babies can't form sentences, such as: "What's wrong momma?" or "Are you my daddy?"

until they're at LEAST two years old. At one year old babies are saying things like cat, mama, dada, baba, bye, etc.

Just suggestions. Do research before you write. I'm only tryi g to help your writing improve. You'll never improve if the only reviews you get are all "OMG! That was great! Can't wait for the next chapter!" While they do serve as confidence boost, they don't do much to help you improve.

Please don't misunderstand. I love your storie. It's very good, but the lack of research really turned my off. Jaycees time frame, for me personally, turned the story into a great story with a couple grammar and spelling problems, into a unrealistic story.

I wish you the best of luck with your future writings! I'm sure you'll do great and keep improving.

- Candace

loved it :) Ciao. - Sheridan.

I SERIOUSLYYY CANNOT WAIT TO READ THIS !

IT SOUNDS FUCKING AMAZING!

:)

I have to say this is more than a tad unrealistic...and not written as well as it could be... You need to slow it down a bit, develop the characters more, let us see the dynamics the relationships, explain the past. Make it so its easier to understand these emotions, once a reader can make a good connection to a character it makes the story much more enjoyable. It's a really rough around the edges, but don't give up.

omg i started to cry towards the end, and i usually never cry when i read fanfics. youre doing a great job, i love it

I loved it. You made it all sound so real. The drama, love and jealousy. I loved it )

Oh and one last thing; No where in the whole story is it ever said that Emmett and Edward were also in the army. And the call came during the wedding? No one ever answers a phone at a wedding. Specially if your the bride. There is an answering machine for that. Bella wouldn't have had time alone, it was her wedding she would have been expected to entertain her guests and be with her husband. Have the first kiss, the first dance, feed each other cake, ect ect.

Again, don't freak at me for being honest.

Grr. Kinda moving a little fast...

The wedding definetly need much more detail, you kinda just..brushed over it. It takes forever to plan a wedding and what about a Bridal Shower before hand? And Edward went from crazy obsessed to diggin a new girl the next day. Wtf? And Alice screwed him? They aren't even dating, hadn't even kissed. Wtf?

Written well, just some errors, like spelling and grammer. Aand word choice...you used a few words incorrectly.

Don't freak at me cuz i'm being honest.

i can't wait to see what happens next!

Okay this is the bestest fanfiction I have ever read! :)

Biggest fan,...

I HATE WAR! URGH! NOOOO! (! But good chapter! I will most defiantly reading the sequel!