|Reviews for Family To Live For|
| Exleader75 6/16/10 . chapter 1
Alright here we go...
1. "Come on! He wants to see you" I laughed and ran after him trying to keep up. "We're nearly there Amber" I giggled.
When using name tags like "I laughed" please use commas.
Correct: "Come on! He wants to see you," I laughed and ran after him trying to keep up. "We're nearly there Amber." I giggled.
Note: Giggling is not part of a name tag except when it meets certain requirements. In situations like these, use periods.
2. "...I didn't even know he was there. I was to focused on Yusei..."
... Revenge of the to, too and two! It's supposed to be "too" which meant extreme, not "to" which kind of means directed.
3. "THIS IS SECURITY, ID NUMBER AWX74098 GIVE YOURSELF UP!"
Use commas or periods please.
Correct: "THIS IS SECURITY, ID NUMBER AWX74098! GIVE YOURSELF UP!"
4. How bout Rally and the others? When Security came to arrest Crow or Yusei, you didn't mention Rally and the others. Why not? In fact why didn't Rally and the others greet Yusei when he arrived back to Amber's place.
5. Why are you describing the duel in capital letters? It made it seems like they're are screaming which is unnecessary even in a riding/turbo duel.
6. Can't you write the full duel? If you don't know how to write a full duel, then that's alright. It's just me.
7. Amber is almost a Mary Sue here.
Not to be mean or discourage you, but please fix these errors and I hope you the best in future stories.