|Reviews for Alchemy|
| Lynn Jones 4/16/11 . chapter 5
well. your Una sort of reminds me of an Una from Beast Wars...no offense meant. Anyway, nice job, as usual.
| Karama9 1/24/11 . chapter 5
You have a really nice sense of humour, there are a lot of funny bits in this story!
However, I would really like to see the logic behind it a bit more as well. I know it's Sigma Six and logic sometimes (often...) took a back seat in this series, but you're writing your own story, you're allowed to let the readers know everything is not just random.
Una being given a lab, for instance, and still being at the Joes. You explained why she was still there by saying no safe house would take her and Cobra is after her, but why do the Joes think Cobra is still after her? They very literally threw her out. As for the lab, I missed the explanation for that if there was one... I'm guessing the Joes have been instructed or decided that it'd be great if she could reproduce her accident, but it's just a guess, I have no idea whether that's what you really have in mind. Is it meant to be a mystery? Even if their full intention needs to be a surprise (and I can see at least one scenario where you'd want that), giving the explanation that would be given to, say, low-level security personnel (we've been told to let her continue her work because it's very important) may be a way to tell the reader that yes, you know what you're doing, while not giving away any future surprises.
I also wonder whether she's given up on her dog already. That poor little puppy! :)
Finally (last nitpick, promise), I'll admit I can barely remember Sigma Six, but the way you write them seems... more incompetent than elite, I guess. It makes it funny, but even though you were so careful to make sure Una was balanced, she's going to start looking like a Goddess if she's surrounded by blundering fools. I have a feeling that's the last thing you want!
I hope I don't sound like I'm blasting your story, I'm not - I still find it really entertaining and I like the idea of Cobra and the Joes fighting over an honest to goodness alchemist. That could totally have happened in the original cartoon, too. Come to think of it, I'm not sure it didn't.
But anyway, I'd just like to get in your head just a bit more so that I could enjoy the actual story instead of just the silly stuff happening. Silly's good, but I'm a plot person.
Okay, I'm done with my impression of rambling Una! Looking forward to your next update.
| Deadly Arc 1/23/11 . chapter 5
Not sure why no ones reviewed this chapter yet; the writing style is no different then the others. But of course, I've noticed this site's most reviewed stories are normally ones from fairly popular authors. It's all one big popularity contest. At least, that's my hypothesis.
1) Only one error. You have but instead of bit(I presume) in the first part. Easy enough mistake. The 'u' and 'i' on most keyboards are next to each other.
2) There are no Ducks, only Dukes, so no need to worry.
3) This chapter seems short, I know this isn't really the criticism you are looking for, but longer chapters would be nice.
4) The last part could be written better. I find it a bit... well, I'm not sure how to describe it, but it seems slightly awkward.
5) Mind explaining why Una had the blowtorch when she opened the door? And why was Hi-Tech outside of the door?
| RushMaiden 8/15/10 . chapter 4
Great, albeit insane, story!
| TinySprite 8/14/10 . chapter 4
I'm starting to wonder at this point just WHAT is keeping the team from ditching Una in a safe house somewhere. Anyway, good chapter and I don't think you'll ever get her to leave...
| ihas no clue 8/7/10 . chapter 3
its an interesting story, lots of lols on my end and you really did make an annoying oc but she's funny so ill look over that - write more please
| susan 7/13/10 . chapter 3
great tunnel rat you had to go and cheese off snake eyes didn't you?
I hope snake eyes foud a very tiny locker to put tunnel rat in thaqt he can'r get out of with some small hole vents to breathe thought
please keep wriitng ) ")
| TinySprite 7/13/10 . chapter 3
Nice! This pace is easier for the story and I look forward to seeing what happens next! Have fun!
| Karama9 7/13/10 . chapter 3
Still nicely silly. I agree with High-Tech... why is she being allowed the use of a lab and various chemicals without supervision? It is potentially a life safety hazard (for her at least and others if people can just wander in like High-Tech did), and it could quickly become costly in equipment and supplies.
You might as well get used to most visitors not reviewing, it's pretty standard and not necessarily outstanding lazyness. After all, do you review everything you read?
| Karama9 6/24/10 . chapter 2
You're welcome. :D
I like Una like that, much more effectively annoying. Keep in mind this is from someone who also likes the twins, so maybe I'm not a good sample of your readers.
This is a fun read. Very silly (if only talking a lot when captured by terrorists really could result in freedom rather than pain or a good solid gag across the mouth, it would be nice), but it fits Sigma Six well. I'm not sure about Snake Eyes kicking Heavy Duty, though... I can see a hold on TR if he's really annoyed, but an actual hit on Heavy Duty felt a bit odd. I don't remember Sigma Six all that well, maybe he's more prone to violence against allies in that than I remember.
Just one note: I'm sure falcons do have trouble with vowels (and consonants too), but I think you meant for that v to actually be a b. ;)
| TinySprite 6/24/10 . chapter 2
Nice chapter, still have a few spelling issues here and there, but nothing a read over couldn't fix. I wonder who Una's gonna drive up a wall next...
| TinySprite 6/21/10 . chapter 1
This is a pretty good story. It could use a little polish and I'm pretty sure your scene dividers got lost during the uploading, but still, it's looking great.
Don't worry about Snake Eyes and sign language, it's well accepted that's how he speaks. You would only have problems if you made him talk.
| Karama9 6/21/10 . chapter 1
It's very refreshing to have a female OC who turns out to be annoying. :)
Just a few suggestions:
1) I think your spellchecker is betraying your trust on look-alike words. You have 'quiet' in there a few times where you mean 'quite', and I saw a 'defiantly' that I'm pretty sure was meant to be 'definitely'. Re-reading after you run the spell check may help you avoid mixing those up.
2) I got the impression in a few spots that you meant to have a section divider (the scene changed completely), but it appears ff dot net has done to you what it keeps doing to me and ate whatever you used in your document. I usually go through my documents after uploading them and insert actual line separators.
3) I think Snake Eyes actually uses sign language in issue 1 of the Marvel Comic run. He typically uses it all the time in fanfics, so I don't think you need to worry. :D
4) Maybe I'm just used to my own characters being a bit chatty, but I think Una's chatter is actually not that bad right now. If you want her to drive everyone crazy, I think you're going to have to suffer through making her dialogue even longer and more rambling. Maybe you can try typing whatever comes to mind while you're doing her lines, especially tangents on what she's actually talking about. The further she gets from what she started talking about, the more annoying I think she'll come across.
I think your idea is very interesting, and I'm looking forward to reading more on it!