This sounds good for the moment... Update soon!n3 Rainbow Lilies

The summary screamed Mary Sue, but I gave this story the benefit of the doubt when I clicked the link. I realize now that I should stop being so optimistic.

Breaking broomsticks? Is clumsiness meant to be her one and only flaw? Because if it is then already you've jumped into the pool of unoriginality which Mary Sue author's bathe in daily. Nymphadora is the clumsy one but, oh! Your character seems to be friends with her? I'm guessing she's popular?

From the list it's easy to see what makes her a Sue:

Apparently she has to look after her younger brother - shouldn't Dumbledore and Snape be doing that at school while the blood wards take over during the holidays? Surely he wouldn't need your character's protection, nor be able to acquire it since 'Belle' is apparently old enough to apply for a position at Hogwarts (though the job is not specified due to sheer laziness, I'm sure).

She shouldn't even be the age that she is since James and Lily married straight out of school and had Harry soon after. So tell me again why this supposedly seventeen to nineteen year old is allowed to run the Order of the Phoenix? - You're hinting towards incredible power, though I'm sorry to tell you that Dumbledore runs the Order of the Phoenix; so your character obviously can't.

It would technically be impossible for she and Marcus and Draco to be 'besties' since she's a half-blood and, not being the Boy-Who-Lived, has nothing to offer other than the title of Blood Traitor. Are you hinting to her being just as famous as her brother, if not, more so? Either way, you've trapped yourself between a rock and a hard place. And besides, I don't think Draco or Marcus would willingly associate with anyone who used the word 'besties'.

The last point is kind of like the icing on the cake: 'Use Foresight to predict Voldemort's next move.

I don't recall there being anyone in canon who was ever capable of doing that. If there was then I'm sure that the war would have ended long before Harry's birth. I hate to tell you this, but your character CAN'T HAVE this Foresight power you speak of. She's not a hybrid-Seer or some manner of mystical creature. She's a half-blood with fairly unremarkable parents (though talented). If anyone was to develop this power, it would be Harry, not your self-insert.

She's just your typical 'responsible' Mary Sue, isn't she? The one who does everything for everyone; selfless. And even though she's happy she still wants some her-time. Ciel wouldn't have allowed himself to be run ragged and then taken for granted, something which already shows that Belle and he aren't compatible.

Ciel - in that little, badly written scene - is already out of character. He does not 'grind his teeth', that is below him. And I don't ever recall him hating Elizabeth. Hell! I hate Elizabeth but even I can see his affection for her, if only sibling-like.

By making Ciel hate her, you've already removed the one noteworthy obstacle which would have stood in between Belle and Ciel. (*GASP!* They rhyme? I wonder if that was intentional...)

On the whole; a PITIFUL first chapter, even when disregarding the Mary Sue herself and the general length; or rather, lack of. POVs are unprofessional and when coupled with the simple style of writing...well, this wouldn't be out a place in a five year old's short-story book. But even they have standards which you couldn't possibly hope to match up to.

Oh, yeah, and just to point this out before I go: 'Belle' sounds a lot like 'Bella', as in Bella from Twilight. And Bella from Twilight had a bit of a clumsy streak to her as well - though it too served as useless when attempting to hide her Mary Sue tendencies.