|Reviews for Not Your Average Renegade On The Run|
| forestreject 2/8/12 . chapter 2
Mal/OC please. So does her sister know shes alive? Or did she just help a stranger out? How did she escape? How long does it take for him to realize who she is? And can River read her?
| Will Freedom 11/26/10 . chapter 2
fellow canadian. I likes your fondness for serenity.
though you DO have trouble keeping it all in the same tense don't you?
actually it's not too bad after the first couple of paragraphs. I guess you're aiming for first person present, which is what I use in my main story, because it gives a sense of urgency. it's lovely.
you seem to capture the characters well, which is good, because they're extremely well-developed characters already. if I read something Mal says and can't imagine Nathan saying it, that'd be a bad sign, but that's not the case here.
the only thing I could criticize is that you have Mal repeating himself, which he really wouldn't do. even though he asks the question of two different people...? no.
hummm...your trouble with the tenses seems not to exist when you're working with dialogue but when you start constructing longer descriptive sentences, such as the very last one, it gives trouble. you should read my Linden story for an example of how to keep it in the same tense. the last sentence should go:
As he finally leaves my room, I collapse on my bed and say to myself, "What have I gotten myself into?"