This was a great story so far I couldn't stop reading

So that's what's going on. That dis seem like a good mediation.

O boy, this well not have a happy ending...

You have Bashir in bold a few time.

A good first chapter and it looks to be a good story. For the first part your grammar and wording were good but after it was not so good. I can still tell what was going on OK but you need to work on it a bit. Keep it up, I think you are onto something good here.