This is me, being late to the party. Hoping to review each chapter as I'm able and have the inclination, so please do forgive the breaks between.
I love the bits of meta about which tribes are assigned to which chores. You tie in the differences between the laguz so neatly within the story here, as well as the bits of Tellius geography that really ground everything within the setting.
Marel's simultaneous rage at what's happened to Nirvan and resentment for what she perceives as him bowing to their oppressors is really great. She neither vilifies nor canonizes him, which makes the ending of the chapter even harsher.
I saw you mention this one in a comment to hooves on livejournal and I looked it up. and wow. The detail and imagery you put into your story was amazing. This showed the cruelty of the beorc masters and the plight of the laguz slaves. The ending too was...how to say it...beautifully depressing, because Marel died, yet the rain did come. Also the vision with I would guess Yune was interesting as well. I'm kicking myself for missing this story when you wrote it. This should have gotten more reviews. Again I thorougly enjoyed this work.
You asked me to read this in exchange for beta'ing Barefoot King, and I'm glad you did. I loved this story. I loved it just as a story on its own merit but more than that, I loved it because it had weight.
I'll be completely, 100% frank and say that by and at large the Tellius world and people don't draw me in as much as say, Elibe (why, I couldn't say for sure) and I honestly probably wouldn't have read this if you hadn't mentioned it...but I'm glad you did. And despite having no canon characters, this story is firmly rooted in the canon history of Tellius. Nothing here screams "LOL I'M JUST MAKING SHIT UP"; everything in this story feels very in place in this world.
I love the main characters, Marel and Nirvan alike; everything from the way they reflect their differing roles and views as slaves (the defiant vs the "appeasing"), to the way they forged friendships despite being a cat and a hawk (I don't necessarily recall if canon says there's friction between different species of laguz on a personal level, but my head-canon says there's some.) The way you relate just how close they are, how Nirvan's intervention saved Marel from herself and everything she did through the whole story to repay him. As far as OC's go, they're real to me. I can understand Nirvan's loyalty to the Duke's daughter despite how callous her family is to his kind. I can understand Marel's desire to want an insurrection, and her guilt when she realizes that action led to the deaths of her fellow slaves. Everything here is believable, right down to how she castigates him for being a "human lover" and how he can't allow himself to argue. By the third chapter I was rooting for them not only because they're THE HEROES but on a personal level as well. (my poor soul! D:)
Just overall, I love the language, I love how you engage the senses, and so concretely. Everything in this piece speaks to the senses. The dirt, the grime, the taste of dry, the scent of blood...I love those sorts of appeals to the faculties and you do it very skillfully here. I don't think I could possibly pick out one line I liked the best, but the description of the struggle in the final part really had a lot of power because you didn't just know they were desperate: You could FEEL their desperation, you could sense it coming from a mile away.
When I first played though FE9, I remember reading a few of the reviews for the game (Yeah, I'm so hardcore, I read reviews for a game AFTER I buy it! :P Straight up!) and hearing people say the Laguz-slavery element was predictable or old hat. Well, maybe, but regardless it did make an impact on me, because I could imagine what it would be like to live life in chains, and reading accounts from slavery/people in hiding- anyway, I think you captured Marel and Nirvan's suffering very well without being too...heavy-handed, I guess. Like I said, it feels very real to me, to the point where you don't get caught up in OMG SHAPESHIFTING PEOPLE WOW (which is where other, lesser Tellius OC-fics *seem* to get hung up) and reduce it to simple, raw human emotion.
I have to admit, reading the title in passing...I dunno. On one level with the drought it works (and as a theme, water and lack thereof works *perfectly* in this story), and I definitely see the "ownership"/slavery thing there, but something about the title hits me as a little off. Maybe it's just the fact that "rain" is in the title despite there being precious little of it? Or maybe it's the length of the title? Maybe I'm just picking at nits. I don't know if there's a one or two word title that CAN succinctly express everything this fic is.
I knew where you were going with the drought/flood contrast bringing Yune in, and I think it was a good decision to tie that together at the end, because it bookends what the rabble-rouser at the beginning says about the Goddess (the other one). I think thematically this piece was very intact: it definitely knew where it wanted to be and what it wanted to say. All the suffering and the longing is definitely there.
A few more specific notes:
"feathers before fur": I really like this line, because I think it represents the sort of flawed logic people use when ordering the value of "human" life. It reduces life to a buzzword, a clever little bit of wordplay that sort of marginalizes the fact it's making a value judgment on the worth of someone's life. Which is sadly true to life.
“She had absolutely nothing to lose.” - I've never thought about it before, but what would it be like to live so long? After a while, I think, for slaves and such, it would be easy to fall into despair and do something reckless for the simple fact that you don't know how long you're going to be suffering. The freedom of death is such a long, long way away for them (comparatively).
Few tiny errors: The line [“For a sickening instant, the stone moved under her hand and Marel saw herself falling, Nirvan's feathers trailing all around her, she might have been screaming but her mind was too busy to know if there was sound the stone budged, but held.”] –there is strange slip into italics here. There were also some weird italics moments going on in the last chapter, though I don't know how much of it was intended, because it cuts in and out at some odd places mid-sentence.
And finally, the last part. Ogod, the last part D: Nirvan's death really got to me, not because it's unexpected, but because you know it's coming. It was coming from the first chapter, it comes for all of us, and we could see the signs all building up. And the way he died-slowly, gently, over time, gradually getting weaker and weaker. So realistic, so drawn-out and un-dramatic. It was all very well done and very poignant. The last scene where Marel lays him to rest really weighed heavily on me, and that's coming from a guy who honestly doesn't feel that way very often about fiction!
I almost feel you should have broken that scene immediately after the burial. Honestly, at that moment, I had to sit back and say, "wow. okay." For me, Marel's death didn't mean as much, just because you'd already dropped the hammer once, and hard. I don't think it's a problem or anything, just the way Nirvan's hit me personally made everything from then on seem almost like a letdown.
The very end is really awesome, though. Is it really raining, finally? Is it just one of Marel's dying dreams or hallucinations? Does it matter? There's a lot of ambiguity there, which I like.
This is a very sad story, but I liked it because despite its tragic nature it says a lot about companionship and unity, and it spoke to me on several levels without ever seeming too preachy. I probably rambled and talked in circles at some point during this review; if so, sorry XD. tl;dr: I really liked it and I'm glad you nudged me towards it :D
...I'm ready for my soul-shattering, now. I have pizza and Dr. Pepper to comfort me in my hour of need.
["They are heavy," he noted with a mix of awe and fear.] I LOVED THIS. It's kind of beautiful. In a depressing sort of way. I absolutely pictured it happening.
[It will be a miracle if I can ever fly.] ;_;
[and Marel thought to herself that in their deprivation, he had become lighter than a barrel of water.] This is a powerful sentence.
["Marel, you should know," he murmured, his voice barely loud enough to reach her ears. "I cannot see."] I knew it. ;_;
[and Marel saw herself falling, Nirvan's feathers trailing all around her, she might have been screaming but her mind was too busy to know if there was sound] This was really cool.
[As she assessed her possibilities, she wanted to cry, Where is my rain?] ...MY SOUL IS BEING CRUSHED.
[Good bye. I love you, he said in sounds so faint Marel could only catch his meaning. No matter. The meaning was always the important part.] This is amazing.
[As the heat beat down upon their heads, a shower drizzled from the vanishing clouds. Marel took Nirvan's withered hands and danced with him in the rain.] THIS. Oh wow.
[There would be no one to execute if she went back...] I almost mentioned at their escape that I'm sure others were punished for what happened in their stead.
[she absently folded her hands behind her as if still supporting his weight] Sad, but lovely.
[like the dove tessellation on the kitchen walls, then repeating diamonds like the card room, then like spattered blood stains on Nirvan's tunic] That she thinks of these things is so sad.
The ending was so lovely. All her memories in a swirl of color, and then Yune and the rain, and the last line, "All too little, too late." Which hilariously reminds me of the derpy Toby Keith song (the video's funny), but thankfully is not related to it.
This deserves more reviews. Normally I'm not one for OC-centric fanfiction, but I'm not going to lie, I was very impressed with this piece. Marel was a great character, and Nirvan, while not quite as main-character-ish, brought a different side to things that helped balance the story and characters out.
I can tell you put a lot of effort into writing this. Absolutely favoriting this piece.
I have the feeling the hawk wasn't Marel's buddy. Perhaps the one who started the rebellion, instead? Anyway, reading as I go, 'cause I'm pro like that.
[She had absolutely nothing to lose. Except this life, she mulled as she laid down to catch what rest she could before morning. And what worth does that have?] Love this. It's so true. And for Marel, I could see how it might be hard to decide on anything. On one hand, they'll die sooner (rather than later), and on the other...why throw away your life early? What if you die in vain?
[as she cleaned a vase that should have been broken.] Argh, what a nice touch.
Yay, I was right that it wasn't Nirvan. At least, not yet.
[homesick for a land she remembered only in faint concepts] This is really nice, too.
[Marel thought that when she died herself, she would like them murmured for her.] I got just a teeny bit teary-eyed here. Yeah. Shut up, I am not a sap.
The last scene is really tense. I don't even know what to say about it, except that it was a good read. Nirvan's emotions got the better of him, but in the end, can you blame him?
[I, I thought to myself that I couldn't go through that again.] This was especially powerful, I felt.
Anyway, I'm headed to PART THREE to get my soul crushed.
Okay, so the opening scene was really great. I like your writing style, probably because it's not too different from my own...except obviously way better and with better use of words. Marel intrigues me already, and Nirvan is...not as interesting to me, yet, but not exactly uninteresting, either. I guess I'm just wondering what will happen and so on.
The drought was a great idea. I've written about drought before, and after seeing Sarah Plain and Tall (and it's sequel) I have never been able to take anything lightly again. This is perhaps why I take everything so seriously in 'fic, even characters like Sain, Gatrie and Makalov. Drought is something a lot of people don't bother to think about too much, especially those of us in America, because most of us have never known one, or...perhaps I mean EXPERIENCED one. When I was really young, my family depended on a garden to keep us in food, 'cause we were poor and didn't have the money to go buy things like tomatoes and green peppers.
Especially in a non-modern time period, drought is a big deal. They didn't have canned fruit and potatoes imported from somewhere totally different. (Even if they did it'd be so expensive only royalty could afford it.) And water... Well, they had wells. And wells dried up.
The title makes tons of sense, now (though I liked it before you pointed me to read this anyway, since I obviously clicked on it at one point), and I find it to be very poignant. And moving. But it also kind of tells me that there won't be sunshine and rainbows (and flooding).
[Every morning he watched over them like a human.] This was kind of ironic. Which you probably intended.
[Who? Who answered? None.] I saw this coming, but it was still sad. They want to, but in the end, is a risk worth taking? No. Not to most. Revolt means death, most likely.
[They have already given up, Marel intuited briefly.] Yes.
I like Marel's broken English a lot. It fits.
The end of this chapter. Wow, talk about depressing. I knew someone was going to spill it and get everyone in trouble, though I'll admit at first I thought he was going to make half of the laguz eat the meal.
Most poignant, though, was the line where Meral thinks that they should have revolted right then, as they outnumbered the guards. But they are a broken people, and they did not. So sad.
[Kill me sooner, she thought between gasps.] A perfect ending to this part.
I love this story. I want to tell you it scarred me for life, but truthfully, it's just that the scenes lingered after I finished reading and happened to be sad; they kept coming back to me while I tried to work, when I went to sleep, and when I woke up again, because there is still some compassion in what is otherwise a tragic end for these characters. That is, while the only freedom Marel and Nirvan find is in death, in context with the game it's still the only freedom worth having. Bringing Yune in as the maker of rain (the "warm summer rain" Marel's prayer likens a peaceful death to?) and the figure who listens to Marel's pleading was very fitting, as her mercy - the goddess's mercy - is so impersonal even when she's truly awake. (It isn't that I think Yune didn't care, but that human lives have a different meaning to her, even when she's closely acquainted with them. I suspect she's so concerned for Lehran - and Dheginsea - as individuals because they've been there a long time.)
Marel didn't grab me right away at the beginning of the story, but neither did Alicia (in Father). However, her conversation with Nirvan in the second scene, starting from "Is judgment" and lasting until she calls him a "human lover," set the dynamic for their relationship and caught my interest. Nirvan is especially dear to me, because he's intelligent and well-spoken, even learned; but Marel, contrary to appearances, proves herself to be perceptive and intelligent as well, and her broken language is a good contrast to that. She swould be the example of the laguz who deserves to be enslaved because, as beorc might argue, she doesn't have the intelligence of a "real" human- she can't even talk. Nirvan, on the other hand, is a wonderful example of potential wasted because of race.
Her broken dialogue was a good choice. I will say, however, that it was hard to parse at the beginning, in the second scene. Looking at it again, I see it might just be the punctuation that gave me that impression, but maybe you should look at it.
At the end of chapter one is something that confused me a little: when the duke brings his tasting boy out, Marel tells us "for a man of relative political unimportance such as the Duke, the taster would only be used..." and this seems slightly out of place in my image of Begnion. The members of the senior council, the most important men in Begnion, were all dukes. Why is this one unimportant? Or is this Marel's ignorance? To be honest, I wished for a few more details on this plantation and the duke - a name, at least, although a look at the map showed me Lake Semper's location and I was able to speculate from there based on other clues. I may be wrong about the duke; I left the game with the impression that a duchy was as high as it got in Begnion, so this detail stuck in my mind.
Most interesting to me, and what I think lies at the center of this story's "value" as fan fiction, are the hints of goddess worship: the hawk stirring up rebellion invokes the goddess, Marel digs a prayer from her earliest memories for the old cat who tells her about the caves in the mountains up north, and the goddess(es) show up again at the end to answer her- in a dream, anyway. In a way they're pervasive; I believe they make other references to her that I'm just forgetting, hints or lip service to a belief that Ashera will save them, that they weren't meant to be enslaved. Marel doesn't seem to believe in the sense that she would observe any other prayers or rituals, but she does appear to believe that the goddess intended something different for laguz, herself included, and holds onto the hope that Ashera will do something about it. As you said, Marel needs this hope to keep going; this is especially true just after the failed revolt, when she thinks Nirvan is dead. It's doubly true when they run away, with no idea where they're going or if they can get there.
To address your concerns directly-
This recalled many of the Holocaust memoirs I read while still in school. Some prisoners retained their faith in god, or clung to it like they were drowning; others rejected god completely in light of their circumstances. (This is an unfortunate example, and I don't want to make light of the Holocaust; I have no background in slavery, American or otherwise, so I do not have a closer model to refer to.) Some of your images brought this to mind, especially Marel's equation of the manor/plantation gate with the gate to death, as well as freedom - the equation of freedom and death in general, really. Marel and Nirvan appear to show both sides of this conflict, the hope and the despair, the burying of will and desire. It's a coping mechanism reflecting the experiences in those memoirs, an unconscious clinging to one's life as one's only possession left - potential, maybe, for better things to happen.
To me, this is like the other side of Tellius. In the games we follow heroes who have the power (or just brute strength) to bend the world, change their destinies, and challenge a goddess. In this story, we're looking at what Ike fought for - the essential equality between the races (which we see justified in Marel and Nirvan, who are individuals capable of great compassion for each other, of intelligence, they're humans with feelings) and, most importantly, the right to live. It's also the difference between reality (ongoing slavery despite Misaha's proclamation) and law (both races are equal in the eyes of the goddess). Both of these were important to the Tellius games, and they're central in "No One Owns the Rain." If anything, you could play these aspects up, although I'm not sure how you'd do so without being heavy-handed about it.
In order to build this part of the world, you needed original characters. To make this more than a world-building exercise, you had to complete their arc and bringing them closure. You did both admirably in my opinion, and created two great characters in the process. Like I said, Nirvan is dear to me. I love him. You did such a wonderful job expressing affection and closeness between Marel and Nirvan through their gestures, or Marel's jabs at his placid manner; the danger in them even seeing each other shows their dedication. Nirvan's sacrifices for Marel explained it all, and yet, as I mentioned before, reveal a boundless compassion that really hurts. I suppose their deaths need not be connected to anything but dehydration, illness, and exhaustion, but I like to think that her death so soon after Nirvan's was no coincidence. Her steps lacked motivation after that.
So, you may not agree with me, but I think this story was all about Tellius and its history, and I'm glad I read it. I really do love it.
I wasn't expecting much from this site after returning to both here and this series in general, and I'm happy to say your story proved my expectations wrong. It was brilliant in all its tragic poetry, and I especially like the little tie-in to what we're more familiar with at the very end. Bravo.
I found this story via the Fire Emblem LJ community, which I found via a friend just earlier today.
This story was excellent. Well thought out, tragic, heartbreakingly poetic, and just plain amazing. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this story and you did a wonderful job capturing Begnion during Misaha's reign. I adored Nirvan right from the beginning, but even Marel grew on me after a while. I love the way you told both their stories.
Amazing job. Thank you for posting this. Would you mine if I recommended it via a few other LJ communities I frequent? I think I know some people who would like this story.
Lockea Stone
Lute 9/7/10 . chapter 1
I cannot even begin to describe how much I love this. I don't even. Holy shit.
I need a couple hours to compose myself (and read this three more times) and come back and properly review it. I think I love TOO MUCH about this.
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination 
mobile edition
