|Reviews for Jake first girlfriend|
| Red Dragonette 10/29/10 . chapter 1
I'm surprised nobody had the heart to make a criticism on this story and tell you what you did wrong here. This story seems rushed and it's going way too fast without any good details or dialogues to spice up the story. Take things slowly, don't make it all happen so fast. Like for example, instead of just saying something like:
"Jake was shocked as he saw Adder tying up Rachel and shoving her into the and then flew away"
You could say something like this instead:
"Jake was shocked as he Adder tying up Rachel's arms and legs with the ropes. 'Let go of me, Adder!' Rachel yelled. But Adder just chuckled darkly and said, 'No, I'm going to take you away as a hostage. Now shut up and get in there!' Then Adder shoved Rachel into the transport copter before he flew away."
Now I'm not telling all this just to be mean to you; I just want to help you improve your writing skills by giving you tips on how to make it better. I know you can do better than this, but you have to take the time and effort to make your story read like a literature. Don't be lazy and just speed up the plot, that would just ruin the development there alright? Also, I'm seeing grammar errors and missing words in the story. Is English like your second language or something? If so, you should keep on taking English grammar classes until you're good with that stuff, alright?