that was great

SHIT total shit, learn to use some fucking punctuation and describe the scene do this and the story would actually make more sense cuz you don't describe who's where you just say POV

Not sorry for the flame it was needed

I agree with someone who commented earlier with the whole get into detail but don't get me wrong i love the story.

I liked this chapter better than chapter 4 because ch.4 was a bit difficule to read without any " 's but I liked it none the less

sorry there is a lot of mistake more to come

Kool

it really good

I really like the concept you have going behind your story. I look forward to seeing where you take it. My advice is to go into more detail, drop the script style of writing and really flesh out your sentences. What you have now is driven by dialogue (which is good!) but you might benefit from giving us more sentence structure. Keep it up!