nice

nice

nice chapter

Hello dear,

I read the first chapter and I found quite a few things that you might consider changing. I hope you don't feel insulted because I am not here to bash you, but just here to help you out a little.

I suggest thinking of a better summary for your story. The purpose of the summary is to catch readers attention so that they want to read your story.

Another thing is that you should edit out the little side notes you put in at random times to explain what's going on. "She wore a gothic dress that went to her knees with her brown with white highlights hair up in a ponytail and black gothic boots. (She dresses like Misa-Misa... -hates Misa- anyways)" Instead of stating that she dresses like Misa from Death Note, try describing in detail on what she's wearing. Also there are some people who don't even know who Misa is, so it might confuse some of the readers.

And remember to show not tell when it comes to writing!

Keep in mind that every scene you put in a chapter needs to have a purpose. I felt the tiny scene with Amber looking over at Alexis a bit unnecessary. Alexis could have noticed the bandages by herself, but that's my opinion.

The last thing I want to do is discourage you! I only wrote this to help you, and I wish you good luck!

Chip