I really enjoy your stroy. i am re-reading this story and wonder if you could send your story to a beta or yourself, to see if it could be reformatted for easier reading? or not is good to. graet job.
The emphasis should be on the third to last syllable of a name (when applicable), which in Sano's case would be the 'no.' Even if the 'su' technically isn't pronounced, it still stands as a syllable. Native speakers just blend it. Like Sasuke's name from Naruto. Emphasis on the third to last, which would be the first syllable.
And what happened to all the quotation marks? It's hard to tell when someone is speaking or thinking. -.-
You are a genius. That was the first comment that came to mind, the second was 'wait... those guys are from the Juppongatana!' Which of course resulted in me looking up their names again after some odd years.
Your cleverness with Eric Snow, or rather Enishi Yukishiro... That was when I started to see the pieces to fit together I was throughly impressed... You have stuck to the original storyline underneath your own brilliantly, and your version is well written. Please contiune soon.
Ok, I think JoeCho, and he's in the Key Club like Sydney/Soujirou and Kelsey/Kamatari, and its leader is named something that starts with an S, so... I think Key ClubJuppon Gatana. M'I right?
I really like this chapter. It's extremely emotional and you do a good job showing us more of the plot without making it look like you're trying too hard to get information across. It seems like a natural, real conversation that just sort of happened instead of a calculated attempt to tell the readers something, even though it *did* tell us. So good job with it.
Hehehe I love how blunt Hiko is. Despit Kenshin and perhaps Sano being OOC, you got Hiko perfect.
I love how Misao doesn't want Kenshin to girly up her food, since she is a girl and he's... um, not... but it reminds me of the very beginning of the series when he cooks for Kaoru like the first or second day he stays with her, and he makes rice balls shaped like rabbits or mice or something painfully cute like that, when they are both a little old for that... it's just cute to think of him "girlying up" kaoru's food in modern times as well as in the canon universe.
I'm guessing SydneySoujiro and KelseyKamatari. I wonder why the two of them are high schoolers and not adults. I guess canon soujirou is around 18ish, but i get the impression Kama is definitely adult.
Lol sano will "willingly go on his knees to beg forgiveness." Yeah, and I bet he gets it, too, with that kind of "begging," hahaha
It's interesting how you say Kenshin experiences self-loathing in connection with his sexual leanings, but is not truly sorry. I wonder if you have a real insight into the struggles of non-heterosexual people or if you just got lucky, because you don't seem to focus a great deal on other aspects of said struggles, but you did hit that one. no matter how much you aren't sorry and rationally you know you aren't doing or feeling anything wrong, there is often, if not always an unexplainable, subconscious trace of shame about it, and for those who *do* actually believe they are somehow wrong, that can grow to conscious self-loathing. It's interesting to see how he contadicts himself in terms of that, since way at the beginning when Misao asks him if sano is hot, he rationalizes to himself that he's not ashamed of his "preferences," just uncomfortable discussing them with Misao. I'm interested to see where that goes.
If classes are over and the place is deserted, why did he have to drive around looking for a space?
Hiko as an anime fan... hm... i don't think he's enough of a nerd, lol... and if he were he would never give any trace of it, and anyone who found out would mysteriously disappear...
When Hiko enumerates the reasons Kenshin shouldn't be a therapist, that'sa more of that coming out and telling us stuff I talked about in a previous review. Try to be more subtle about letting us know things.
I think I've figured out what's been bothering me about this story. You do a lot of telling instead of showing. You come out and tell us exactly what the characters feel and think, and it frequently comes off a bit cheesy because it's hard to put some things into words without it being cheesy. The way to do it is, quite simply, don't say some things. It seems like as a writer you'd have to find ways of putting everything into words, but it's not actually true. Much like in actual conversation, silence can communicate something just as clearly as words, if not more so, and it makes the writing better because subtlety helps avoid the cheesiness that creeps in, it makes the conversation more realistic, and it's just plain more interesting to read when we have to figure out a little bit for ourselves. Body language can be used every bit as effectively in written form as in real life. There at the end with Sano and Kenshin in the office, you did a good job using facial expressions and other body language to communicate their states of mind, but earlier with saito you came out and told us exactly what kenshin was feeling when body language, or even just a more miserly use of words like a few selected sentences out of his thoughts instead of every word, could have gotten the idea across just as clearly while being more interesting & realistic.
Megumi is perfect. I like how you introduced her. If I hadn't read this before, I'd say we were headed for some Sano/Megumi, but methinks it is headed another direction...
Very intriguing first chapter, there is a lot going on already. It might be a bit much to have Sano cry like that, though. If you're trying to show the impact of the event by having a tough guy like Sano cry, then there needs to be more buildup to it so we can thoroughly see what a tough guy he is. Having it in the very first chapter just makes it seem like that's the type of guy we're going to be seeing throughout the story. Something like this would have much more impact if it were later on in the story.
I think I've read part of this story before, so I think I know where some of these things are going, but I could be wrong.
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