 PhantomInspector 3/28/12 . chapter 3Descriptions and exposition, when used moderately, can help counteract the long chunks of dialogue. Just enough to further whet your readers' appetite. Establishing context, however laboring it can feel as you write it, is very important in letting us know what's going on. What show are they performing? Is the theatre also new? How big is the Royale (which I know is fictional, so have fun with it!). Is there anything unique or peculiar about it? How is Ellie dressed when not in costume (as an indicator of her personality)? What's her most striking characteristic?
As for the actual dialogue tags, don't worry about the repetition of "said". It pretty much goes unnoticed and should only be replaced by a more descriptive term if it helps convey a particular emotion or tone. But I'm also someone who gets paranoid about word repetition.
I really love how you portray John here. I can hear his voice very clearly, especially in his interaction with Ellie. I also enjoy watching Ellie rip Sherlock a new one, which incidentally *doesn't* happen that often. How interesting. I'm curious, though, as to why she was hired for this role if she isn't a strong singer. Sure, she can act, but so can many people who also have singing chops. Is she that big a star, and her stardom is being used to sell tickets? These would be good details to know, too, although you might have already planned to include them later on.
Hope you update soon! |
 PhantomInspector 3/28/12 . chapter 2Poor Anderson you'd think he'd be able to identify broken fingers fro not broken fingers. Maybe the guy needs a holiday. :D
Good work with the deduction. I like the bit about the glasses never thought about that before. I wish we could see more of Mr Jones to indicate more about his role at the theatre. Like if he is wearing clothes suited for crew or maintenance work.
One thing that didn't make sense to me: why is Ellie Nightingale being fitted in the auditorium/stage rather than her dressing room? I know it makes it convenient for Lestrade and John to see and talk about her, but it'd be helpful to explain why she's there. Maybe if other stuff if going on, too, like other actors rehearsal lines or something, it would make more sense. Or maybe her appearance could happen later when Sherlock is interviewing people.
I know how much blood and sweat goes into every chapter, and I hope my critiques don't get you down. Those kinds of details are usually easier to address once you've stepped away from the story for a bit. But I hope you'll keep going with it, too. |
 PhantomInspector 3/28/12 . chapter 1Interesting start! Seems the theatre setting is getting some attention for Sherlock mysteries. :3 Looking forward to what happens. There were a few punctuation issues, but I'm nitpicky about that stuff.
I LOVED the fact that Sherlock almost walked outside in his pajamas. XD That's why you need John, sir! |
 Gwilwillith 3/19/12 . chapter 3great chapter, i feel like we have relationships started between characters and the beginning of a a great story! Looking forward to more! |
 Gwilwillith 3/9/12 . chapter 2I like this so far and look forward to seeing how this develops! |
 Alive Through Writing 3/6/12 . chapter 2I like it. So far it is intriguing, I can't really say much more as there isn't much to review on, however it is rather well written, has well structured and portrayed characters and an intriguing idea. I look forward to reading more! |
 Bookwormiie 2/12/12 . chapter 2sounds like a really good story cant wait 2 read more! oh and congrats on the baby! |
 Lady Vicodin 4/24/11 . chapter 1more than year now, shame coz it's AWESOME. |
 x-Pick'n'Mix-x 11/23/10 . chapter 1hey. this is really good, please update? :D |
 mahjong90mulan 11/7/10 . chapter 1update soon, great story so far! |
 Lovable Loner 11/5/10 . chapter 1I defiantly liked the the dressing gown, totally Sherlock! Can't wait for Irene to join and a great start! Plez Update soon! |
 Naisa 11/5/10 . chapter 1Hehe Sherlock almost walking out the house in his pjs, hilarious image there!
Interesting so far, would like to see where the fic goes) |