|Reviews for Tengen Toppa Gurren Solvernia|
| HVK 5/21/13 . chapter 25
Nia buried her enemies. That's really sweet.
I like that Nia is at least getting her beastman prisoners to THINK about their life choices!
Nia confronting Alyosha was really well-done. All the more effective for it being totally silent and not being told exactly what they said.
Yes, I like that! 'Party until they pass out' is the Dai-Gurren way! PARTY LIKE THE CHOSEN OF VALHALLA! (Being worthy of Valhalla is probably a prerequisite to joining their group anyways.)
I honestly think Rossiu's right; the brain is the most important organ. The heart keeps blood pumping, but the brain creates the moral decisions, and determines what makes a person who they are. (After all, they've made mechanical hearts but so far not brains!)
The village is populated by badasses who were too tough to die; I like it! I enjoy how you devised how this village works, and justified it's presence in canon. This makes them even more awesome, too.
OH GOOD FEELINGS I KNEW IT WAS HIS MOTHER AT THE BLACK HAIR AND THAT IS REALLY COOL MOMENT.
Rossiu reuniting with his mother was really sweet!
I quite liked Straea's story. Some of the symbolisim (the 'telling someone who never saw the sky about all the lights are stars' really affected me).
I enjoy how Hobelis' rhetoric is evocative of the real Hobbes, without getting too grim. And that she's someewhat of a rationalist as well; it's really appealing!
Heh, that forehead thing must run in the family.
WELL, the drawings in that village by the people of it is really telling. Canon would have been even better with something like that.
'Humanity will survive. I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.' From Rossiu, that is both eerie foreshadowing, and totally awesome. Will you have Rossiu go down a similar path like he did in canon?
The description of the new Dai-Gurren is just MADE OF AWESOME! DAI-ZILLA! I LOVE IT! A mecha-kaiju, it is perfect.
The sword's design is a real improvement. Much like how canon-wise, the spiral motiff of the Spiral King came to be reworked into the promises of freedom fulfilled by Team Dai-Gurren.
This was a really sweet chapter, and great!
| Slicerness 5/11/13 . chapter 25
Well crap, I was kinda hoping simon would take over Gurren, since he's more capable at hand-to-hand combat and could compliment Nia's drill control perfectly. Getting his own Gunmen is cool though, specially now that it's upgraded.
| mark-engels 5/4/13 . chapter 25
The opening scene was particularly interesting: watching the interaction between Nia and Alyosha from Straea's point of view. Well done, as it helped underscore how Nia piques Straea's interest.
Wonderful the way you portray Kittan...over-the-top in his trademark manner.
While I think that Nia's insistence she not be their leader is definitely in-character for her, I think she's worldly enough now to know intuitively what Straea is telling her already. Maybe she does but just doesn't want to admit it. Or perhaps she has her doubts about her own state of mind though she has emerged victorious out from under the shadow of her dark self.
Interesting to see what comes of this sudden reunion between mother and son. Great to learn more about Adai's past and how it interesects with the present day in the village. Very cool was the Teppelin history lesson. Love how you exposited that. Ironic that the mother mulls over how she'll survive if her son is killed in battle given she hadn't seen him (and ostensibly didn't know he was even alive) for years before.
The tense moment between Iraak and Ayosha was emotionally raw and especially well-rendered.
Yoko still has some anger to manage, I see. I don't recall her being even that bad-tempered even in the canon. Kamina's death for certain wounded her, but she seems to be dealing with it (or not dealing with it, as the case may be) in a much different manner than Nia has.
Plumbing the depths of Straea's tortured past made for a really great read. Especially given her admissions came after self-medicating with a glass of liquid confidence. Must've been some pretty strong stuff!
I like how you've portrayed Nia with a heart big enough to feel empathy for her opponents. Perhaps she may change the world after all.
Your interpretation of the "beach scene" was enjoyable and heartwarming. I laughed out loud reading about these clowns diving with all the grace of a cinder block. Nice to see everyone taking a load off and Kittan blustering in his usual manner. And the pinky swear was cute. Just the thing I would expect a Nia born outside of Teppelin to do.
Dai-Zilla! Now THAT'S FUNNY! Exactly the kind of stunt I'd expect from Leeron. Well played.
I'm sure these gifts Straea left with her new friends will have significance soon. May the practicality of one be eclipsed by the sentimentality of the other? I suppose we'll soon see.
Straea never got much development in any of the fandoms, although I like the direction you've taken her. The passage of years has made her no less refined and proper as Prince Simon and the others were raised to be, but her experiences have left her jaded and cynical. Life is wont to do the same to all of us, but you've clearly demonstrated how she's got something to believe in once again. Nia the Digger, that is. The last line helps us understand a warm heart still beats beneath that cold, world-wearied exterior. Looking forward to seeing more, my friend!
| Angelus-alvus 4/30/13 . chapter 25
Long time no see. And that was a great chapter as well. I don't remember much about Rossiu's mother from the anime, but this was a nice addition to the story.
| Marshal Belinsky 4/26/13 . chapter 25
Finally, An update to this story!
So here are my views for this chapter.
It seems that the heroes got their well earned rest. The calm before the storm. And the Spiral Revolution Continues! (The March to the capital begins now!)
Rossiu's Mother is alive and well! And Nice touch with the History of The Spiral King as well as the Great Spiral War.
it will take time before they can fix broken hearts but there is nothing that a good friendship can do! (If you know what I mean...!)
And what does Dai-Zilla look like? Is the Great Gunman Hybrid is really that freaky? (I don't have a slight idea what this beast even looks like but I'll try my best.)
Any-Way; I am really glad that this story got updated after a long time and I'll keep reading this one to the End.
Marshal Belinsky signing out.
| Full-Paragon 4/10/13 . chapter 6
Some interesting changes, I like your description of Kamina's charisma, because that was always his strongest characteristic. And I agree, outer bluster to hide inner fear.
| A. Kingsleigh 3/31/13 . chapter 3
I know this probably isn't your fault, but I don't like Kamina very much. He's kind of annoying. It was a fun chapter, though, with the fighting and all. And YAY, cliffhanger!
| HVK 3/29/13 . chapter 24
The women of the village came to save them! Is this a Heel Face Turn?
I do like that you addressed the distributing weapons and ammunition; I think it’s a common mistake to gloss over that kind of thing. I smiled at the mention of Kittan’s shotgun; it’s to see things like that addressed, instead of him just using a shotgun like he did in canon after time-skip.
Yacintha reminds me a bit of Jessie from Pokémon. Was that intentional? I also get the impression that her name being spoken incorrectly by Evelynne is a bit of a running gag between them.
First Kiyal is made to sit back while everyone else does the fighting… and then she gets to pilot a Ganman! Bit of a step up over firearms, I think. Kittan will likely be envious.
To refer to a trope name, SHE’S BACK.
As Kittan doesn’t like being pinned, I suspect he wouldn’t like first person shooters, where getting cover is the main thing. (He’d probably prefer his life to be more like Warhammer 40k: Space Marine instead, where you gain health by KILLING ALL THE THINGS.) He’s too much of a berserker to have patience for prolonged firefights.
Given the jokes about being pinned and foot warfare being lame, I’m assuming you have some knowledge of how military stuff works! (Always good in a TTGL fic!)
That comment about Yoko being given the Dayakkaiser due to her better sniping skills is, I think, an interesting observation given how she canonically ends up using it more often than Dayakka himself does.
Zerael’s comments about courage from humans, and referring to Kittan as if his species is a surname, is interesting considered that Zerael, his brothers, and his father are also human. Do the Spiral Knights not consider themselves human, have they been modified enough that they are no longer biologically human, or is Zerael just being an arrogant jerk?
On the other hand, I like Zerael’s sense of honor. Reminds me of Beast Wars-era Dinobot.
The new Nia seems a lot like canon Nia in her Determinator moments!
Ooh, I really like Nia’s speech here! That ‘dawn is coming’ line is specially intriguing, too!
I must admit, Thymilph’s death here feels better than in canon. There, he was sort of just a villain who killed Kamina, whereas here he has more of a personality; he’s a brute, but his self-inflicted death feels… cleaner. More honorable, I think.
They combined into Dayakkaiser SOlvernia!? THAT IS AWESOME! And it was really nice to see them make up in such an epic fashion.
Wow; Gember went down HARD. And quick, too. Awesome!
Aww, Viral and Tsuuma made up. And several of Viral’s actions in this chapter (his fury at the humans killing Thymilph and wanting to know if they are happy with it and the rebuttal about if he’s happy about killing so many humans; being more concerned with his men’s lives than with avenging his former commander) are good hints to his canon Heel Face Turn. I liked canon Viral, but in some respects his Heel Face Turn is a bit… out of nowhere with not enough character development to justify it prior to the time skip.
Aw, Simon and Nia combined! And Simon gets a knightly Ganmen out of it!
As a criticism, I feel that Yaotel’s transformation into its jet mode should have been given a bit more description; it happens rather quickly, and if you read fast (like I do) you might miss it entirely.
Zerael reminds me of an evil Armstrong from Fullmetal Alchemist. I find him just sitting there, interrupting while they’re arguing and having to remind them that there is a battle, to be amusing.
Zerael has one seriously epically hammy speech about the Spiral Empire! He sounds like a Space Marine, in the spirit of Indric Borale.
Kiyal constantly flirting with Zerael (and him being totally unaware of it) was hilarious; Kittan freaking out was priceless!
This battle was EVEN MORE epic than its canon counterpart! You took the series that gave up the ultimate forms of Up To Eleven, and you OUTDID it! Excellent work!
| Full-Paragon 3/22/13 . chapter 5
Poor, poor Nia. It's terribly obvious she has a crush on Kamina, but because he insists on calling her sis and saying she has a manly souls, she is forever friend zoned.
| A. Kingsleigh 3/21/13 . chapter 2
An interesting read. It took me a while to figure out that they were all underground, but that's just me. I don't really have much to say this, other than that I liked reading it. I didn't see any major grammatical errors, and since I haven't seen the anime, I can't evaluate how you're doing in regards to that.
But I will say that I was a little disappointed when we learned the wise bald man's name. It's funny when you just called him the wise bald man. But that's me. :)
| Full-Paragon 3/7/13 . chapter 4
Dummies Guide to Killing Humans eh? Is there an "Idiot's Guide to Fighting Anti-Spirals" as well?
| HVK 3/6/13 . chapter 23
The fact that Yoko has tried to keep up Gimmy and Darry’s spirits by telling them they have bright futures reminds me of her canon job as a teacher!
Ah, poor Nia. Yoko’s being kind of a jerk to her; I don’t know if its still grieving for Kamina, or just a difference between her relation with Nia, and her canon friendship with Simon.
The friendship between Nia and Kiyal is really sweet; so sweet it makes men cry manly tears! (In this series, though, that’s not hard.)
The way Nia is shown regaining her confidence and beginning to dig the way out is very nicely presented. It also illustrates a clear difference between Canon!Simon and Digger!Nia; Simon, in canon, was quiet and did the work everyone needed to without complaint or fanfare, always in the background and never making it apparent that he was the key to their success until the battle with Guam. Conversely, in this continuity, Nia is very much in the spotlight, a paragon to project their hopes and thoughts onto from the very beginning.
Zerael reminds me of Transformer’s Lugnut! And, given that UNACCEPTABLE scream, Adventure Time’s Lemongrab.
I feel sorry for Rossiu, being stuck with a psycho by Arshun.
Arshun is even more of a lunatic than I thought, given by how badly he wants to kill Simon, and his own disavowlal of honor.
You really raised the stakes compered to how this happened in canon, making it into a bit of a bloodmatch! Nice work!
I’m pleased to see you used the name I suggested! I was happy to help.
| Full-Paragon 3/4/13 . chapter 3
Interesting changes, I'm wondering what this is all adding up too...
| shahanshah 3/1/13 . chapter 2
This review is going to be long as fuck. It also includes commentary on the previous chapter, because limiting my review to that chapter would be cheating the shit out of you.
1. You clutter your dialogue when you add unnecessary qualifiers to your dialogue tags. Instead of tacking on "warned in a preoccupied tone," why not just say, "warned." Or better, "shouted," which is the "said" of exclamatory dialogue.
You should make your dialogue tags as unobtrusive as possible. "Said" is invisible. It describes absolutely nothing. It is bland, it is boring, and it is the best fucking dialogue tag in the world. Why? Because using any other tag forces the reader to rely on the tag to evaluate how the dialogue works, instead of the dialogue itself.
For example: "'Wow, that seems like a great idea,' she said." vs. "Wow, that seems like a great idea,' she said sarcastically." The rule, "show, don't tell," applies here. If the reader isn't stupid, the reader gets that she's being sarcastic. If your dialogue is good, the words of the dialogue should read themselves in the reader's mind, in the voice that you've developed for the character. Additional tags just clutter the development of the dialogue.
Also, limiting your dialogue tags to "said," maybe in some cases, "whispered,"-basically really non-descriptive stuff-prevents you from making mistakes like using "smirk" as a dialogue tag. You cannot smirk words. You cannot frown them or smile them. Those are verbs describing expressions that you make, not ways you make sounds with your mouth.
2. Alt-universe fics are way less exciting if you retread the exact events that happen in the anime. As-is, at least by this chapter, Nia is in the exact same place as Simon, from the prologue to this chapter. Maybe things diverge later on, but now, like, I've seen TTGL, for fuck's sake. I know what happens already.
(those first two were applicable to the entire story. now i'm going onto the line-by-line.)
3. Because I've seen TTGL, you really don't need to describe motherfucking Kamina. I know what Kamina looks like.
4. When you describe the physical descriptions of characters, it is better to weave it into the story, rather than just dump it straight into the prose. " His most distinguishable characteristics were..." is super jarring.
5. Nitpick time: you forgot the word "an" in between "was" and "orphan."
6. You cannot just flat-out tell us that Nia has a crush on Kamina. Have her cheeks flush, have her stutter a bit, ANYTHING. Spelling out the character's thought process is the most boring way to convey it. Mind-reading a character can be great, if it's done in the character's voice, or by the character's actions. Otherwise, it's boring.
7. the word fugly is pretty juvenile but so is Kamina so idk if this really counts as a bad thing
8. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" ...this is a pet peeve, but I really dislike it when people name-drop tropes. It's basically a snide in-joke. And Kamina would never, ever, say that.
9. "***FLASHBACK***" This is another thing you cannot do. You cannot just say "yo guys I'm starting a flashback now" right in the middle of the scene. Unless it's a completely new chapter, the viewpoint character has to be remembering it or something. Writing is different from anime. In writing, you cannot jump cut unless you start a new scene. Which I guess you're doing, but then, use a line break or something. Not "FLASHBACK."
10. I just remembered something-why the hell do you expand upon TTGL's hole-digging? Like, the vanguards and stuff. You world-build for the exact same world as the anime. We have watched the show; we know what the world is. The fact that Simon digs holes is all we need to know about digging holes.
11. " while making dramatic gestures to emphasize his point of view"-Kamina makes like at least half a dozen iconic as fuck gestures within the show, and you don't describe a single one of them? You just say that he makes a "dramatic gesture?" For all I know, he might be making pelvic thrusts.
The line from the show is
"Believe in the ME who believes in you." Not, "Believe in the Kamina who believes in you."
This line is a fucking classic.
You cannot fuck it up.
13. "Nia got up, and said, weakly:
"So this is the time," Nia said."
This whole passage is kinda awkward because Nia speaks but then you break the paragraph and she speaks again? She should be making a long-ass speech warranting paragraph breaks, or there should be action in between, if you break the paragraphs.
14. It just...like, it seems really lazy to describe a scene that the animators have already described for us. The pig drill thingy. Why again? I've watched the show.
15. ""Like hell it does!"
Uh, if I say, "Like hell it does," that means that I am expressing skepticism that it DOES exist. Kamina should say, "Like hell it doesn't!"
16. "truthful fact"
Like, as opposed to a false fact? Just call it a fact; this is repetitive.
17. You need a comma between "Nia" and "you."
18. You need a comma between "punishment" and "and."
19. ""Kamina, let's get out of here!" Nia said, grabbing his arm, "Kamina!" she tried to drag him but he wouldn't move."
Okay, so after the word "arm," the sentence should end. Uh, you try to use the phrase "tried to drag him" as some sort of bizarre dialogue tag which is really really wrong. "she" should be capitalized.
20. ""Ignorance is bliss and power, if we avoid creating more people like Kamina we won't have anything to worry about."
Period after power. New sentence with "if." Comma after "Kamina."
21. " possible, the human instinct"
Period after possible. You cannot use commas to separate independent clauses.
22. Okay, there are a bunch of comma mistakes that I am going to stop correcting now.
Here are some general thoughts on your writing. I cannot comment much on the plot, because it is the exact same plot as TTGL, save for swapping Nia with Kamina, and a twist at the end that turns out to not matter because the Gunmen busts in anyway.
Your writing has a bunch of beginner's mistakes. This was written in 2010, so I'm not sure how up-to-date my critiques are, but surely somewhere in those 22 points, you can find something you can take to improve yourself. Anyway, fixing the mistakes I've pointed out is just a matter of practice.
The mistakes severely impeded my enjoyment of the story, which is personal preference. I can't take shoddy grammar.
The prose is also kinda stilted. I think this is a combination of your frequently awkward phrasing, the interruptions in the writing with all the adverb usage, and the lack of natural flow.
God, that took a long fucking time to write.
| Gundam Kaiser 3/1/13 . chapter 1
Not bad, this has quite a bit of potential.