|Reviews for Breath Of Fire II: War Of The Demons|
| LostWolf 4/12/13 . chapter 46
I've read the story from beginning to end in only a few day. After reading the whole thing I have to say good job. While I found a few points where I personally had a slightly different interpretation of the events found in the game I still found this story as one of the more enjoyable, and well written, stories here on . Regardless of my personal tastes, You have done a great job placing the game (which is part of my favorite series) in a well rounded and grounded reality. While giving it your own personal flair, you gave it life in a down to earth believability factor that I find few authors take the time or effort into creating (especially here in the world of fanfiction). All in all, if you ever do become a properly published author simply state the name of the book and you will have atleast me as a customer.
| Aiedail 11/22/12 . chapter 46
TIL reviews have a character limit. Joy. Here's the rest (FINAL BATTLE SPOILERS):
If anything in the whole story screams "epic win," it's this: "if it takes the shape and form of my power, of the source of my strength...They are my strength...If Agni Anfini is the power...to alter reality like you said...bring them back to me." Also, the whole battle after that was one giant "**** you" to physics. This is gods: **** everything you thought you knew. It was so over-the-top that I didn't even care. It was a blast.
You've improved immensely even compared to your second-most-recent piece. You say you've got a bit more Mega Man, one more, and that might be it for fanfiction? Make 'em count; keep forcing me to readjust my rating scale, and if you do ever get published, tell your old fans about it, eh? Personally, I'll buy anything you write, just as a token of my appreciation for the countless hours of entertainment you've already given me. Keep on keeping on, with your head up and your mind open. I'll see you next time.
| Aiedail 11/22/12 . chapter 46
Wow. WOW. That was...magnificent. Breathtaking. Glorious. Everything about this speaks of unimaginable care, absolute dedication to getting every last detail precisely right. The world. The characters. The enemy descriptions. The plot. The boss battles. The emotional scenes. Everything. You did outstandingly. I'm biased in favour of whatever I've read most recently, but even knowing that, this is unquestionably one of the best novel-style fanfictions I've ever read.
I've been putting this review together in my head ever since less than halfway through book 1, but I didn't notice until I actually started writing it that it's the depth of characterization that puts this head and shoulders above pretty much everything else I've ever seen. Character essays on each member of the team? I'm not surprised in the least. Keep doing that in the future, man. Always. I /cared/ about these people. A lot. Probably too much, actually. I'm enormously disappointed that my time with them is over. I felt their fear, their excitement, their exultation, their sorrow. The "what was your first kill" discussion? Chills up and down my spine. Deis lamenting her deathlessness? Depressing as hell. The conclusion of book 2? Eyes like dinner plates, heart pounding in my ears. The second half of "The Goodbye"? Ditto on the eyes, with one hand literally covering my mouth in horror (in particular, when I read the words "three MORE berries," my heart nearly stopped). Every single big boss fight? My whole body rigid with nervousness, eyes inches from the screen.
Speaking of those, I think it's worth dedicating a paragraph to explaining why they were the second-best aspect. How you had the whole team going at once, and described in detail every little move. Especially in conjunction with how strategically the fights played out. They weren't "wail on it, healing/swapping out when necessary, until it falls over," like they probably were in the game (again, I've never played these games); they were all something like "person A starts preparing an attack while B and C are distractions, getting healed by D. By this time, E has snuck up behind. While it deals with E, its body moves to a position where B and C can grab on and hold it still while A and D do a combo attack on its now-exposed weakpoint." AND THAT'S AWESOME. And the Habaruku fight might be the most intense battle I've ever read, coming from an amateur or pro author.
I also loved how you put real science into this: stuff like time zones, water pressure in the Sky Tower, and residual bone damage do a fantastic job of breaking the mold of typical fantasy and making the story feel more real. Unfortunately, what the game gives you to work with is quite unscientific. I'm not even talking about magic or gods; they could be explained by Minovsky Physics and Sufficiently Advanced Aliens respectively without me caring. I'm talking about the different Clans. I don't think it's possible to describe how impossibly unlikely it is for even just two separate evolutionary lines to come close enough to converging that interbreeding becomes viable. I suspect it is unquantifiably more unlikely than every person who has ever lived in the real world getting struck by lightning every day for their entire life. And that's just two, each at any point in history. In BoF, there are dozens. At the same time. And several have near-identical morphologies. No. ****ing. Way. Not your fault, but I'd like to point it out all the same.
Something else that makes no sense from one perspective but is unfortunately quite realistic is the government system. The very idea of Clan Law is fundamentally immoral (there may be exceptions, but if so then they are the kind that prove the rule). If it's physically possible for two people to successfully have kids (which are themselves fertile, etc.), then they sure as hell aren't different enough for different laws to apply to each. The same goes for the global law against inter-clan breeding. I'm guessing that this planet has never had a civil rights movement of any kind, though, so as its societies mature mentally, the intelligent individuals among each will eventually realize this, and after maybe another generation or two, the idea will have spread enough to get that global law struck down. A few dozen generations later, different Clans won't even exist anymore. Yep, there won't be any Breaths left by then. Not gonna stop it. (Of course, now that I've said that, a later BoF game will already exist that does exactly that. *groan*)
You expressed concern about the protagonists being cynical antiheroes. Don't ****ing stop. It's awesome. The banter is great, too, but you actually did it TOO well: I can't believe that anyone would be so prone to verbal sparring at the slightest provocation, or that their tongues would all be so absurdly sharp.
Unfortunately, there's still quite a few typos. The recurring mistake this time around was "mon amis." When Jean is talking to multiple people, replace "mon" with "mes." Also, you used the sentence "X said something anatomically improbable" enough for it to get annoying.
SPOILER ALERT for the rest of the review.
My biggest complaint is that, in regards to the love triangle, Nina doesn't seem to get anywhere near as much "screen time" as Katt. Aside from her personal chapter at the end of book 2, she's pretty much the least active character in everything that happens unless it's a love triangle scene, and those obviously don't help in this case. Katt gets a head start, and unless my memory has suddenly started sucking, Ryu does a heck of a lot more one-on-one stuff with her than with Nina. Furthermore, Katt's personal chapter comes significantly later than Nina's, encouraging it to be remembered better, AND Katt's has way more emotional impact. I mean, losing Mina was tragic and all, but Katt was ON THE TEAM. I didn't realize at the time that the "destiny bullshit" would drag her back, or maybe I did but thought it wouldn't be until MUCH later than it ended up being. On the upside, I also thought at the time that Katt's departure would tip the balance irrevocably in Nina's favour, which seemed (and still does) like a ridiculously cheap way to resolve it, so I'm glad that didn't happen.
And yet, despite Katt's more active role, I believe Nina would be the better choice, based on what Niro(?) said: which one needs Ryu more? Katt needs a shoulder to lean on, sure, but so does everybody else, and she's strong in both body and mind. Nina, on the other hand, is psychologically shattered, probably ever since her wings were cut off. It's no coincidence that she's the first of the destined Ninas to use black magic instead of white. She desperately needs someone to be her rock in order to have any chance of putting herself back together. That's my take on it, anyways.
I WAS pissed that you didn't resolve the love triangle, until you mentioned that the game doesn't either, which is a good point. However, there's the broader issue that the epilogue simply stopped too early, leaving many more things unresolved. Like what the World Council's reaction was, and Niro's past, and other things that I can't remember right now (blegh). Enough that it would have been perfectly reasonable to do more than the game did, in order to present a richer story. Because that's what this whole thing is about, right? Something to think about.
With regards to Yua...first, a neutral-value comment: Elforan* and even Ganer weren't huge deals, but my discovery of "Patty"'s true identity was mind-blowing. I had absolutely no idea who she was until, when the priest mentioned her name during the Valerie-bombing scene, it hit me like a freight train. Now, the negative: I REALLY wanted her to soften up a bit, afterward. Seeing the most carefree and innocent of children, who would nap peacefully in the woods under the watchful gaze of her dragon mother, turned into the most hard-ass cynic of them all, was heartbreaking. She broke down during the Habaruku fight, but to my extreme disappointment, the mask came right back on afterward. You couldn't have given her some humanity back once she'd been reunited with her long-lost brother? Come on.
*Do I even want to know what she was doing in Tunlan disguised as a guard, or why no alarms were raised back in Highfort (presumably, since we didn't hear about it) when she left?
Moving on, I have no problems in principle with bringing back the Tiamat Unit like you did, except that the trials themselves were wimpy. Too short, too easy, and lacking any purpose in the larger story. If that's what you meant by calling it self-indulgence or whatever, then I agree with you, but I still count it as a point against you. Also, Alan. WAT.
When you mentioned Chaos, my inner fanboy screeched, "ORIGINAL CROSSOVER SEQUEL OF CRAZY AWESOMESAUCE!" Then the rest of my mind caught up. THEN I read that you weren't going to do a sequel even based on another game, so yeah. BTW, coming right out and dropping the name "chaos knight" cheapens it immensely. I don't think people like Katt are in your target audience here. You had me at "god of pure chaos from another plane of existence," and anyone who's read your Power of Light will figure it out after hearing that he terrorizes multiple planets.
When Ryu dreams about their futures, is Yua robbing her own place? Oh wait, I've got it: she robbed someone else, and then broke back into her own place to stash it! More importantly, though, how is there any possible correct answer for what Katt's doing?! As absurd as it is, I would have said that she's gained the power to enter other video game universes at will, but she's shit at magic! What the hell?
When Ryu considered sacrificing himself to seal the Gate at the end, I would've been right in there beating the shit out of him with the rest of them. That was monumentally stupid.
I guess I'll finish by saying how just plain fun the final battle was to read. If anything i
| Lumenatrum 11/20/12 . chapter 46
The thought of crying comes to mind right now. This, in my humble opinion, was a great ride. Albeit a long ride. I had always liked Breath of Fire II, even though I came to it after it style and awful translation were something that wasn't accepted. To elaborate, after getting into RPG's late, and played ones that had the more contemporary style of recent RPG's, Breath of Fire II is still one of my absolute favorites. And you captured it in a way that makes me want to flood my eyes with manly tears of happiness, even though I am nowhere near that melodramatic.
Let me give you a little more insight on this, on its affect on me. It inspired me, in a way that other stories on this site just can't do anymore. Each word formed and typed, got me to think and formulate myself. That is what I feel is the best thing you can give to a reader. And for me you have certainly done it.
Just know that I will come back to this story again and again, and enjoy it each time.
The only problem, even though romance is only a single part of any story in my opinion, it might be best to give romantic subplots a definitive end rather than open, especially when is spans a good deal of the story. You had all the character travel together, had them all transform in the fight with deatheavan, gave larger speaking roles, and a good amount of world building that the game didn't. I suppose you could have made him choose.
Other than that, thank you.
| Velen Ziga 10/16/12 . chapter 30
Wow...What a terrific and emotional climax...You have done very well sir. It sincerely makes me wish that you could sell this in print, because, by god. It is that good.
| WhiteFangofWar 10/15/12 . chapter 46
Darn, so much for me being the Simon Cowell. Oh well, others have offered sufficient criticism that I don't feel like you're getting nothing but gushing praise. That would be bad.
2 years ago I was rather cynical about the prospects of you writing a Breath of Fire 2 novelization, but sometime around the 2nd book you laid the last of my reservations to rest and then some. Evans eulogizing your party is the scene in the game everyone remembers it for, but you made the rest of it nicely interesting too, minimizing the dull slog of the actual mid-game that I thought this story would be. Seeing the projected length of it combined with your commentary made me fear this was your final bow, I'm glad to see that's not quite the case even after Ghosts of the Machine.
Response to your responses: Wow, three call outs in one story! Thanks! I always want to make any feedback I give more detailed than 'this is good/bad, next chapter soon', and if any author here deserves that it's you. Apologies for being long-winded at times, but I always want to comment on something, whether good or bad.
For the 'wiseass' comment, I realized after that it's highly common for characters in action games to be introduced in that way so that they start out seeming self-aware, strong and/or streetwise, and not someone to be trifled with easily. Your 'patterns of wisecracks' were certainly distinctive, and like several other characters Rand and Katt got more in-character after their initial introduction. This being a low-fantasy as described by you, it's only natural that many characters would use humour to cover up the fears and anxieties that come with living in such a starkly brutal world. With Mina, you clearly didn't want her to be a typical 'helpless crying waif princess' type even if her sister, the actual princess, clearly wasn't. Like I said, Allston is one of my favourites, strongly recommended, but he does have his little quirks- even his politician characters are that like that.
The Pokemon lords... eh. The verbal tic didn't make them any less or more scary once they started kicking butt. It could just be something they do unconsciously when agitated (like Habaruku), and an indicator of how much the transformation warps one's mind (certainly they weren't born with those Lovecraftian names). The depths of Infinity certainly fit that theme looking more like a Xenomorph lair than anything else.
The rest of the game doesn't really capture it, but the final scenes and the good ending seem to indicate a greater emphasis on your comrades than most other games of the time (excepting Final Fantasy 6, which almost didn't have a 'main character' to focus on to the exclusion of the others). That's just of the several things Breath of Fire 2 did before it was cool, including the 'God is Evil' storyline as you mentioned. Amazing how much of that they got away with really, being made at the height of the Video Game Censorship Crusade (one year after Mortal Kombat I believe). Maybe the incomprehensible translation helped? We will never know.
Speaking of Evans, given his name and how he's presented I thought you'd make him closer to 'death-god' Nyx from Persona 3, presenting the nihilist argument (again before it was cool) as each party member reaches what he decrees to be the end of their lives and the end of the world's life, and Afini ('Life') being the answer to that. Instead we get all the fusions people have been asking to see, well done.
After some deliberation I'd say Spar was my favourite character, much more interesting than your typical 'Spock' type. For a while I thought he'd become Yggdrasil, but it's fine to leave the third game (my favourite one) open for the imagination. On a similar note we get news that Myria is back but no indication of how much she's changed since her 'death'. Become more mature I'd say, but still evil in a different way so that her 'family' are willing to give her the benefit of the doubt until it's too late. Just my take on it, anyone who has a different idea is welcome to write 'War of the Brood' or whatever you want to call it.
While length doesn't equal quality, it's certainly an example of your growth as a writer that you'd take the time to go into enough detail for characters and world-building that this story would be more than twice the length of War of the Dragons, which aside from the Tiamat unit chapters now looks rushed by comparison. Sure I was annoyed at first with how long it took to really build up a full head of steam, but that's a good sign that you can hardly wait for the next chapter to be posted Good things come to those who wait. That being said, I agree with 'Anon Review' who pointed out the game's plots are starting to become a confinement for you, even if it remains a useful skeleton to build off of.
That's part of the reason why I can't think of any more valid general criticism than that for you- you have captured absolutely everything about Breath of Fire 2 that made it hold a special place in the hearts of so many, and a fair bit more besides. No one could expect anything more from a video game novelization.
Thank you, Magus523.
| Velen Ziga 10/14/12 . chapter 15
The first 14...Finally done. There were a few spelling mistakes in some chapters, but extremely negligible, as well as the omission of Nina noticing the similarities between Patty and Ryu both of them being of the Light Dragons. Overall, however. Book 1 was immaculate. Well done good sir.
| HevnoAngered 10/11/12 . chapter 46
LOL. Stupid Ryu Bateson. You think your friends appreciate that. Spar's reaction was the best though. When that was done I thought Bow would say "We're not going to kill you. . .or heal you either! A$$."
Some of the ending seemed a bit too vague. I didn't even know what to make of it.
ANYWAY! Heh! FINALLY! I GET TO CRITICIZE YOU! GET READY BAST RD! YOU PISSED ME OFF! YOU DIDN'T FREAKING HAVE HIM CHOOSE BETWEEN NINA AND KATT! HOW DARE YOU! AFTER ALL OF THAT!
Then you're like 'ohhh, well haha that's how it was in the game.' Well, sir! You've taken liberties before! Moreso you even admitted to having an opinion one way or another. And you didn't even give us that! HOW COULD YOU! Your loyal fans! 46 (fanfiction dot net) chapters! And you didn't give us that! UGH! Well guess what, MAGUS! I'm telling you how your fic ends. Katt wins. There we go. Now that that's done, back to the review.
No Breath of Fire 3, huh? I don't believe it. Not in the sense that I don't think YOU believe it. I do. I just think that it's going to nag at you too much. And you're just going to want to get it out one day. Maybe after your first published work. Know what I mean? Just. . .don't close the door, no matter how unlikely it is. Because even if the world ends, if you write that Breath of Fire 3, I WILL find it. Whether it's hear or anywhere. Trust me.
Now, this may be disrespectful to other Authors. But there is a certain amount of. . .ummm what's the word. . .clarity? Perfection? Ummm. . .it's kind of like expectations. Maybe desires? Anyway, there's a certain of it 'THAT' I want in my Breath of Fire 2 novelization. And on this site alone there are like 5 or 6 different novelizations. Some of them have glorious imaginations to the events. But in the end ALL of them fell short of 'THAT'. All but yours. I don't know if it's because of your planning, or your writing, or the fact that it's a sequel to what you already wrote for a more complete story. . .but you had 'THAT'. And I thank you, because you may have finally put my Breath of Fire 2 need for 'THAT' to rest. (THOUGH YOU DIDN'T HAVE RYU CHOOSE!)
Breath of Fire 2 WAS my first RPG. And I have fond memories in that game. And the "It did 'God is Evil' before it was cool" is completely true. IMO it also pulled out Catgirls pretty early too :)
In conclusion. . .I don't know what you'll make of this review. But those are my feelings on the subject, and I didn't hold back. But you're pretty cool, so you should be able to take it. (Don't cry on me now!) As I said . . .a few minutes ago on the Chapter 45 review. . . :) Drinks on me, man. You've earned it.
I think I'm suppose to stop typing now. . .stop. . .typing. Ugh! FREAKING STOP! What else is there to say!
| HevnoAngered 10/11/12 . chapter 45
Nice chapter. Very dark. Very epic. Showing off those forms as Agni Afini was great. You wrote it perfectly.
Personally I like the original "Break into pieces, Ryu." line. But of course that's not even a complaint, just a preference.
Everyone showing battling all over the world was great. Highfort preparing to send out relief efforts brought a tear to my eye. The demons of infinity running from Martin and friends was my favorite part of the chapter actually. Ryu the Rider is awesome as well.
The one thing that I had secretly hoped for though was for ya know Martin and Spekkio to shed their old man facade and return to their youthful appearances for a brief moment to kill these demons. But again, that's just a bizarre preference.
And the ownage that the party did on Death Evan was great. Freaking great. Freaking awesome! Friggin Kriffin Fraggin awesome! I'm going to be really sad to see this fic go. It was literally on my 'main event' status as far as fics go. That's the highest compliment I give. Because after all you can only have 'ONE' main event.
Thank you, man. If you're ever around here, I'll buy you a drink.
| Anon Review 10/11/12 . chapter 46
Converting a game into a story is always hard. Ive read several of your works and you always put your own unique spin on them. I feel.. that's where the ending for this one lets down the most. You have admittedly your own ideas of where the relationships and such will lead, and in resolution this story is.. lacking.
I know plot-wise the game never says one way or another, yet in the previous game adaptation you had it obvious Ryu and Nina would defy social conventions when it -isn't- made clear until the second. After reading all the way through the adaptation with this carrot on a stick the focus of many time in town moments.. Its not a bad ending but leaving it to interpretation seems like a cop-out. Even if I disagreed with the choice (My own being the Ryus you write seem headstrong about doing it their way and shattering social norms.) it would be resolution after so many chapters of it.
Other then that big pay of the romance falling through, the ending suffers from the same faults I found with two towers. Middle of a trilogy syndrome. You lay groundwork fast in the last chapter for the third. So much so I almost feel like you should have expanded the ending two or three more chapters and given some more story to how the world reacts and the dragonkins lives for a day or two before placing the foundations. Its.. unintentionally jarring to have an ending which goes to the good one where Ryu is saved.. and then right after the celebration, oh the goddess we killed? Didn't. We'll all die killing her later waiting for the next Ryu.
Just.. some reading time after the victory, some time with the characters we have grown attached to before such a downer would have been nice. This story has a lot of LoTR elements to it, but its missing the life at the shire pages before we get to the cost of victory.
To be honest a lot of your stories suffer this. Many of stories in general suffer this. We have volumes about before and during the conflict.. but the resolutions are all very short. Some time basking in the victory of the heros of the stories we've read would be nice. I know the saying 'leave them wanting more' .. but if your not planning to comeback to the story its somewhat - empty.
Everything else however, has at least some resolution. I understand after writing so long, so much you are probably ready to put this to bed and call it done. Yet the ending just feels rushed compared to the volumes of the rest. Its not bad.. but feels hurried.
After so much criticism let me stress the rest of it was exceptional. You filled out a world where much wasn't given directly in game and in two stories made it your own. All things but the ending aside (and mostly just the speed of that ending) you are easily ready to write professionally and should. As much as I would love to read a conversion of Megaman 9 or Final Fantasy Six that has as many books as Harry Potter, you need to make your own work, your own characters. The adaptations plots are starting to confine your talent and it shows.
| the Zogg 10/10/12 . chapter 46
Well, I'm a big fan of your work and I thought that this story was excellent as is all my work. Though my favorite was your Metroid Fusion one. I really liked what you did with the Demon Lords making them so freakishly power every fight filled my heart with dread. You made them so threatening that I actually thought that they would kill someone in every fight when I got too into it - and without making them feel broken. But that just might be my bias. I like villains more I do heroes. I feel like they're more important to the plot.
Now you wanted critism. Well the one thing that I will have to criticize is how every character except Ryu became a bit weak after getting verbally shredded by Habaruku they sort of fell out of focus and Ryu took center stage. They were still there but they just amounted to saying something snarky before each boss fight and then acted as muscle during said fight. They didn't completely become Flat Characters but they felt a lot less important than they did before. That's my main critism. But don't let it get you down. This story was a work of art and I really think you can make it in real life writing and I hope that I might read your original work one day by accident or maybe another one of your video game novelizations. I've been a fan for a while Magus and I'm glad that I finally decided to review your work even if it seems like my reviews didn't make much of an impact. Well, this is The Zogg, a random fan, finishing adding his last two cents signing off.
| The Supreme Mystic Sage 10/10/12 . chapter 46
I am going to break this down into Three sections, mainly because, I am reviewing both Chapter 42, and the Epilogue...
Okay, Onto the Reviews:
- Chapter 42 -
The fight with Evans, truly was well done. Bravo!
I enjoyed reading it greatly, however, I must confess, I saw it pretty much one-sided.
I'm not saying it wasn't well written, because it was!
Just a small little point, that I thought.
I could very well be seeing things that are not there.
It would not be the first time, that it's happened to me!
Anyways, moving on...
- Epilogue -
You did a great job, tying all of the loose ends up.
Nice use of foreshadow there relating to Myria!
Not much more to add really, as I am sure you do not want just plain, bland:
"I liked it. It was good." or some such thing, without any indication what I liked.
At least I that would be my guess.
As it stands, I am well aware how vague I am already being on which part(s) I liked, but it is difficult to pick just one.
One more thing, I feel honored that you mentioned me in your Author's Note!
So, thank you for that!
So, moving onto the final part of my review...
- Overall Review -
Okay, I am going to give you a review number on the things that you included in the end of the Author's Note, it will be on a 10 point scale...
Plot - 9.7
I liked what you did, I've played the game before, multiple times. Seeing this written however, you really fleshed out the rougher, more unrefined areas in the game.
Characterization - 9.6
You really brought the characters to life, giving them a more in-depth, three dimensional appearance and personality, while still keeping as close to their in-game persona's as possible.
Romance - 9.2
Wasn't too much of it, but what there was of it, it was well thought out, and I thought the whole Love triangle between the three made sense, just because... Correct me if I am wrong, wasn't there very subtle hints of a triangle in-game? I could be seeing things that are not there again, if I am disregard that.
Action - 10.0
I would be crazy, insane, or both, to give this less than a ten. The Action. I am rather surprised, the Battle scenes were very descriptive, without being too wordy, and putting me to sleep. For that, I applaud you!
Drama - 9.8
The Drama, oh man, the drama... Not really sure what else to say to that, just that you portrayed it well!
Suspense - 9.9
I say that, because I had a vague idea what was going to happen, without knowing the details or anything. You still pulled kept me guessing on this one! The Suspense kept coming, in ways I never would have expected!
Overall - 9.8
I would give it a perfect 10.0, but was a bit dark in some areas, I still enjoyed it immensely regardless! I remember checking for updates repeatedly some weeks in the past! I will admit some of my favorite parts were the humor based pieces scattered throughout, but what can I say? I like to laugh. I also, liked how you incorporated a merging of the Breath of Fire series into one universe. Sure there was subtle hints in-game that tied some together, but you really dove into it and connected them together! I was constantly on the edge of my seat throughout reading this. Not literally of course, or I would have fallen to the floor ages ago!
Hope that was a helpful?
Alright, That there is my review, it is my First review I have ever written in this manner. I do hope it is alright? Right, well moving on. This review is, by far I believe the longest review I have ever left, at least to the best of my knowledge.
Well, as sad as I am to hear you are approaching the end of your fan fiction days in the future, I shall wish you the best of luck, in your future writing endeavors all the same!
Oh, and if there is any repetitive or nonsensical parts, I apologize.
| The Bad Hat Hooligan 10/10/12 . chapter 46
I liked this. I know it's short, but what else can I say. I like what I like.
The battle with Death-Evans was pretty cool, and the rest of the Dragonkin and Patty slapping Ryu around was hilarious. Especially Spar; nothing quite shows annoyance like a kick to the balls.
Good work. I regret that I only started reviewing your work when you're on the verge of retiring from Fanfiction, but thems the breaks. Good luck, and I hope whatever new endeavours you undertake are succesful ones.
| Anmynous 10/10/12 . chapter 46
I'm disproportionally pleased at being mentioned, practically glowing! And the openness of the ending leaves me simultaneously mildly annoyed and amused, so now I really don't know what to feel.
I'd have liked one last mention of how good accidentally came of evil intents, with the priests being mentioned in the epilogue and all - that was a vital part of what made the story, I felt, and what made it better than the usually cliché treatment of "god was actually a demon all along lololol".
I mean, that's still the case in BoF2 pretty much, but since the followers are still basically human and do things for believable reasons rather than "because evil is smart/life is pain", it doesn't make me want to punch the writers.
The last battle I'm still on the edge about, and it's a knife's edge - I'm so glad Evans didn't regenerate damage, like so many villains apparently need to in order to seem threatening, but on the other hand the party were pretty much invincible, and it showed. Also a little sad to see "RYYUUUROOAAARRR DESTINED CHILDGRRRRR" go, but oh well.
I suppose I'll give overall feedback...
I thought your characterization made them distinct enough, apart from aforementioned wiseassery (totally a real word), but what really bothered me is when everyone got to say their piece one after the other - it's too obvious that that's what's happening, rather than them speaking up in a more natural way like they do the rest of the time.
The game only managed because of the cap of 4 party members - they all say their piece and then scuffling commences, and since it's just three lines or so it doesn't hold up the flow.
For romance, well, distinct lack of warm fuzzies, yet I can't see how they'd fit in with the tone of the story, so it'd have to happen in a fairly lengthy aside... which would hurt the flow of the actual story.
With that and the triangle never really getting resolved, you're kind of... stuck.
The action was excellent, and I hope I've learned something from reading this story; it's always intimidated me when I think of writing a scene and the prose in my mind just looks much too dry for something that's heart-poundingly exciting to experience.
I've fenced against someone of equal skill to myself, and it was the most exciting thing in my life, so I know what it feels like, but just can't get it down on paper.
On drama, there's only that thing about having all the characters say their piece all in a row. It got in the way of Mina's tragic scene, doubly so since she responded to them all. But I wouldn't call myself particularly good at drama nor suspense, so it might be purely personal...
I wish I had something more helpful to say, but I've written a bunch already and it feels like it's basically "you should've done it more like THIS, I'd'a liked that", so maybe it's best to keep it short.
I loved your story!
| drake202 10/10/12 . chapter 46
Well its finally comes to a end well it was a great journey it truely was the story was just epic the Breath of Fire series despite it being a cult hit is one of my most favorite video game series and you have truely done both Breath of Fire 1 and 2 stories justice heck you've made them even better all the characters were just written out so well as for the love triangle it doesn't really matter much to me you left it up to us readers to decide and for that I thank you its a shame though you might not ever write a novelization for Breath of Fire 3 though but i'll always hold out hope that you might one day but anyways thank you for this great story to a great game its something i'll always treasure