I'm not sure if you're ever going to read this review; your account seems untouched as of late. Have you given up writing fanfiction? I first found this story almost a year ago now, and I hoped you would eventually continue with it. But now that I have found it again, this does not appear likely. Please, if you ever do find this, continue. This story has a lot of potential, and I would hate to see that go to waste.

Okay. Constructive criticism. Here we go. What I like is that you took a risk. I like that you chose to write this in a style completely different than that of most other fanfic authors. I like the descriptive quality of your piece. I like the idea behind it- very intriguing. You manage to completely enthrall me by the middle of the story. What I think you need to work on is your dialogue. It's not quite realistic enough to hold its own. I think you also need to work on your writing in general. This is a good piece, but there are areas where it is obvious that you are still a beginner. Sometimes its little things (punctuation, run on sentences), but sometimes its bigger things (too much description in places, unrealistic dialogue). It's a common error among beginning writers to use too much description. I think that the writing style you were going after requires more description than usual, yes, but not too much. There's a fine line there which I believe you end up crossing at certain points.

I think the biggest downfall of this otherwise epic and moving story, however, is its pretentiousness. I understand that you want to be taken seriously, which is completely natural, but this desire gets in the way of simply enjoying the story. I can understand and sympathise with the fact that you would like to change a life, make a difference, or touch even one person out there, but this shouldn't be front and center in your story. The story itself should make the impact while the reader remains unaware that that was the author's intention. This piece comes off far too pretentious to be able to do that, and, if a reader takes away from it half as much as you would have liked for them to, it will be *in spite of* your efforts. Show the reader what you want them to see- give them something to think about- but don't let them know that you're doing it. It will make your impact on them all the more powerful.

Over all: a wonderful story. I can't wait to read more of it. I think there is a lot of potential here, and, with a little more work (a few more years, maybe) I think you will deffinitely be a rare talent in the fanfiction world, if not the literary world. Thanks for the good read! Keep writing.

Wow, powerful story so far. I can't wait to see where you take this.

interesting. definatly has potential. keep writing

more more more mesa likes! more more more! this is sooooo cool. anyway write more ull make me happy.