well I would like to know what happened, if you're still the story

Okay, I'll warn you, this is gonna hurt. The first thing I noticed is that you do not space between dialogue. This is especially confusing to your readers as, simply put, they don't know who's talking and when. Secondly, Proper nouns, which would be the "Person, Place, or Thing" are always, always, capitalized. Thirdly, the bouncing back and fourth between character names(i.e. Endymion, and later, Darien) is way too confusing. I will keep tabs on your story to see if you have taken any of my suggestions into practice.