|Reviews for the warriors angel and the angels dragon|
| Yemi Hikari 5/8/12 . chapter 1
As I've told you in my PM, the Prince of Persia is not my strong point so I can't tell you if your OC is becoming a Gary Stu or not. Since the character is based on your personality, that means it is a self-insert of sorts, so something you'll want to keep in mind is that you aren't the character. Don't make things happen because you wish for them to happen to yourself, make them happen because they actually should logically be happening.
Now, I am reviewing your story on the first chapter because author's notes as individual chapters are not allowed at all. I was going to come in here and say one of the ways you've improved your writing is the fact you've gotten your chapters to average over five-hundred words finally, but the real goal is over a thousand. The thing is, now that I look at the story, you do in fact average over a thousand words That is a good thing.
What isn't such a good thing is your technique. All of this can be fixed using the chapter replace system this site has. First... you need to put a space in between your paragraphs. Second, don't put thoughts or a voice mentally in the head in bold. Make all of the thoughts in italic and put them in quotation marks. The honest truth is, if you make your fic easier to read and you cut the author's notes, you'll get more reviews then you are getting.
On the final note, cute the curse words. They're historically inaccurate for the time period. And while I don't know the fandom, I have seen my brother play the games. What I've seen doesn't contain cuss words, the reason being... well, these curse words don't exist during that time frame. Actually, cute all the modern day slang you have in this fic, like “cux”, “idjit” and “yea”. While it is true that you personally might use these terms, someone of your same personality from this time period would not.
Anyways... hope this helps. Your writing has improved since your last fic too.