|Reviews for Red Alert 3: Renegade|
| pokung16 4/4/13 . chapter 12
okay kid... I know you are, well pissed off about that freaking review. But do not falter, because nout even a million of those can stop one from achieving their dreams!
Forget about the review, continue the story, don't get distracted.
The spelling errors are a bit of a prob on this fic
| Lord Sanguine 9/22/12 . chapter 13
I'm not really sure where this Fic is going but I don't think I'm ment to either. I'm a bit curious since you put Natasha and Tanya as the two characters of this story yet Natasha hasn't even been mentioned yet. Could you please give some indication of the POV changes it gets a bit confusing.
Well please update soon.
| VladimirStalin 7/3/12 . chapter 1
I applaud you! The prologue is amazing, and I have not even gotten past that!
However,I only have 1 complaint-The only thing close to laser technology the Empire has is Wave Force tech, but unlike a laser which uses forms of radiation, Wave Force uses the harmonization of the wave forms of heavy particles. However, Weapons like the Imperial Warrior's MX Type-2 kinetic carbine and the Shogun Battleship's Shirada 400mm cannons are actually not lasers, but more of a rail-gun type weapon, using superheated,caseless slugs.
| Ganheim 6/21/12 . chapter 1
Where the Nazis surrendered to the Allies
[Given implications in RA1, I don’t think that the Nazis would have even become a notable party in the RA continuity. It’s unlikely that people outside Germany would have ever known they existed. Unless RA3 changed even more things, but I could never get past the ridiculously silly storytelling they went for in RA3…and the DRM]
the Japan's took over
[Are there several Japans? Or just “Japan took over”?]
and the defected Soviet Union
[What’s defected about it? Is Germany Allied, Soviet, both, or neither? I can’t tell what you’re trying to say]
Peace seemed to be forever
[This reminds me of Zero Wing: look up “All Your Base Are Belong to Us”. Point being that you need to be careful about your grammar and phrasing. It’s enough that I doubt most word processors would pick up on it, but I think you should try to get a beta reader. I’m not sure if English is your second language (your region on your profile is marked USA), but there are a number of awkward phrasing points that sound like it]
until Japan spread the way of Bushido
[Bushido is not Japanese imperialism, it is a code of honor and intellectualism. I won’t say it’s incompatible with war and aggressive expansionism, more like it doesn’t have any overlap]
it was WW2 all over again
[But with the removal of Hitler, WW2 never happened in the first place…]
by Allied Scientist
Along with there nano technology
develop a suitable space shuttle that could allow a man to travel to the moon
[The shuttle was never intended to go to the moon, americans used the Saturn IB rocket. While RA12 never directly mention this aspect, the presence of a lunar lander very much like the american Apollo program indicates it was likely the same mechanisms]
shortly a few months after
Things got tense once it hits late 1968
[I was going to wait until my after-line-commentary to say that your story is almost entirely telling instead of showing, but this is a particularly striking point of nothing being actually presented to the audience. “Telling not showing” pushes your audience away and makes it that much harder to want to follow the events in your story]
orders and open fire in Berlin
plowed though the ill
battle of Britain is were the war
[I am not sure if you mean “where” or something else. The phrasing is awkward and passive anyway]
victory caused many by American air support
[No idea what you’re trying to say]
The combined might of British and American armies
[With no mention about the respectable military force of France, Germany, Italy, Spain, or any of the other European powers that would have been wary of Soviets given the geopolitical situation?]
A few major battles were the battle of
[Repetition without even the benefit of giving us a clear picture to visualize. The RA series has distinct divergences from history, and fanfics by their nature diverge as well, why not dive in and SHOW your audience any of the events?]
Geneva, Switzerland where despite American Naval
[I direct you to a map of the European continent. Geneva is not easily accessible by navy, not without a long and likely bloody journey up the Rhone River. By the way, aircraft carriers would never make it: many bridges along the way wouldn’t likely be friendly to simple DESTROYERS, much less larger vessels]
attacked too decoy the Russians into
[This is too awkwardly phrased for me to suggest a smooth rephrase]
soviet's teals technology
[Tesla, after the genius inventor, not “teal”, which is a color]
Odessa was desecrated
[I’d think it was destroyed. Big difference between those words. This is another one of the reasons why a thorough spell-check and maybe a beta reader would help: there are a LOT of mistakes like this in the fic]
witch was quickly eliminated
concluding in a well placed defense
[Awkward, did you mean that Europe’s defense saved it only barely? That it was left with a strong defense but only narrowly won? There are a lot of things this could be and the nuance is very unclear]
more lucky in the sense of casualties
[What does that mean?]
since California contains most of America's bases
[I know I’ve said your wording has had rough spots before, but this was extremely obfuscated]
he could of caused
[The correct word is “could *have*”]
soldier attempt to defend
[Wrong tense. “attempts”, or “attempted” (I’m not absolutely certain which verb tense you are using because it’s not consistently one through the chapter)]
with no way of fighting back
[That may be true to the game, but not reality. Honestly, the only game that had true realism in anti-air fire was Total Annihilation: every tank in a battalion could fire at incoming gunships. Most shots would miss, and I’ve lost many a tank to Brawlers, but volume and tenacity WILL knock those aircraft down. Helicopters are not especially fast units and it would only be its inability to destroy enough of them before it took critical damage that would still allow this tactic to work]
their target, Mt. Fuji.
[Fuji is a dormant volcano, the only story where it is important is Code Geass (where it contains valuable mineral deposits)]
are to far away
seemed to of
[have. Use the correct words if you want your audience to follow the narrative]
with non of the planes
Soviet ambush naval party
[Pop open the champagne bottles?]
The destroy the base
evacuate to America where they'll be safer
that they should even exist
[Should or shouldn’t?]
preparing to lunch a shuttle
[Ah, he should have lunched a turkey deluxe!]
Allies tried to make hate to destroy the Iron Curtains
[I didn’t know that hate was a viable weapon in and of itself]
Allies use there newly
but deadliest wars that the world had witnessed
[The majority of deaths in wars are not from combat but from lengthy campaigns causing supply and health issues, with more soldiers dying from “mundane” accidents like vehicle collisions or diseases like malaria or the flu]
with there new president
stable from his lose
[What was his lose? Do you mean loss?]
I haven’t played RA3 (I refuse to support EA games as long as they have intrusive DRM), but I get the sense that this entire chapter contains a summary of the missions in RA3. This could be done a lot more succinctly by having a single paragraph at the top of your chapter that says something along the lines of “after the Third World War” (or whatever you want to call the conflict). Your narrative was a little dense, sometimes passively constructed, and never really draws in the audience. If you had focused on one character (at a time at least) that would have made it a lot easier to not only follow but also care about what’s going on. You have a lot of telling but no showing; at no point do we have an in-depth, “from the character’s eyes” or anything like it, and as such we never are drawn in to the narrative.
At least as serious is the poor grammar, spelling, and wording. Like I mentioned above, I’m not even certain if English is your first language because you make a LOT of errors in syntax and homophones that I have seen in second-language users. You should go over your chapters again before you post, and if mistakes are still slipping through then you should try to get a good Beta Reader to help you, because these mistakes made reading the chapter (combined with the lack of any close character-centered narrative) feel more like a chore than fun.
| General Herbison 3/9/12 . chapter 13
Yeah, what you said. Stick to your guns and don't take any trash from anyone!
| Uia 3/9/12 . chapter 12
Completely insane and in some places crazy as fuck.
Wouldn't say it bares any likness to RA so far though. The first chapters were somewhat believe able, however now the plot is just out of control and stupid.
| Rogue147 6/12/11 . chapter 4
Try reading Pratchett.
that is, if you don't mind fantasy.
| militaryhistory 3/1/11 . chapter 2
Not a bad idea for a plot.
However, you either need a beta reader or you need to use spellcheck.