strange.

dude... that was awesome!

I really really Really REALLY REALLY like your story! And I think Sakura and Dilandou should be together. Also I love your story again and e-mail me at when you have the next chapter done Please Please PLEASE!

it's me again. i'm just writing to tell you that i hope you finish your story soon. it's a hell of a lot better than some of the other crap i've read. of course though, i'm not mentioning any names, so PLEASE don't make assumptions on i think sucks.

i loved this story, and i totally agree that the whole dragon-slaying thing is a cruel and unusual way of choosing a king.

Where's the Romance because I don't see any?

Cool Story continue it PLEASE

Hi! Sorry for not reviewing in a while, but i'm back! It's good, i'll go read the other chaps!

As two of my AMSA comrades in arms have noted, this is a blatant Mary Sue. They've already pointed out several screaming points about your character that scream MARY SUE!

They missed one, however, that I find very disturbing and that is exceedingly common with Mary Sues. The fact that you will be pairing your MS, Sakura, with Dilandu. Dilandu, the psychopath who would must likely kill anyone does half the things your Mary Sue is doing. Dilandu, who is Allen's SISTER! Yes, Dilandu is Celena, I'm not sure if your delusions were hiding you from that fact or what, but it is the truth. Dilandu is Celena. How are you going to work that out? Suddenly come up with a spell or potion to separate them? Or just throw them into an alternate universe where Dilandu is Celena's TWIN brother or where Celena doesn't exist at ALL?

Now, your grammar is barely decent as is your spelling. Your paragraphs, transition from scene to scene and action to action, leading to an unbelievable plot.

Each time you change subject, you should start a new paragraph. Each time a new person speaks, you start a new paragraph. You don't. You desperately need to.

When moving from action to action, or scene to scene, you barely elaborate on it. It reads almost like this "She got here. Then she did this. Suddenly, he came in. She just ran off". A simplified version, but not by much. It is stuff like this that makes your story lacking in description and plot. Also, lighten up on the "suddenly" and "just then", it makes your work extremely choppy.

There is one other thing concerning your Mary Sue that I would like to see explained. It seems that "forgetting" her friends and family have made her a complete bitch (ha!). Now why is that? Do you have a reasonable explanation that I can believe? You never mentioned once anything mood-altering to be given to her . . . but I do imagine that is the response you'll give. Or another one like this "because now that she has no family ties and friends, she has no reason to be nice".

You have a lot of work to do . . . and I do mean a lot.

Cara

"All you need to kill a Mary Sue is a brain, a little bit of common sense, and a handy lighter."

Hey your story is really good. I hope you update soon cause I want to know what happens. Thanz

hey, i think this should be a S/D fic because i think they go good together.

and can you make the chapters a little longer. your story is really good and i want to read some more.

Mary SueBad. BAD. First off, it doesn't take place in Fanelia, it takes place in Americanized Fanelia, which is horrible and bad and...wrong.

The grammar, while fairly good in teh first chapter, declined from there. It ended up being a pile of smut smeared across my screen. Dilandau is evil, and while you *kind of* got that down-pat...he still manages to be OoC. Your girl is unrealistic and...just plain wrong. It's an embodiment of your every flight of fancy, masochism included.

The Mary Sue-ness of it all hurts my eyes, let alone God. AMSA needs to take a torch to this baby. Is it too hard to write a story that ISN'T about your ideal girl? Now, you'll likely scream back at me with 'But she was raped as a child!' Or 'Her parents were killed!' Or 'Dillandau's treating her like a whore!'

I can defend these with comments such sa 'Ah, but this simply makes her more Mary Sueish. I have yet to see one Mary Sue that doesn't have a horrible past. They were all abused, they were all raped, they were all tortured. They all SUCK.'

As a seasoned critiquer, I would have to say that there is no hope for this character. None.

Mary Sue, red alert.

First of all, Sakura is a Japanese name. Since she grew up in Gaea, she obviously wouldn't have a Japanese name.

Your spelling and grammar are pretty good, but Sakura is a /bad/ character.

She's absolutely gorgeous. The way you describe her appearance like so, "She was 5’ 3” with bright sapphire eyes and shoulder length light brown hair. She was pretty strong but not overly so. She had full lips and well defined curves. She was 17 years old."

This makes her out to be perfect. You throw all the details of her appearance at the reader in the very beginning of the story. You're practically shoving her down our throats. It's usually not a good way to introduce a character, especially the main character.

Remember to spell out numbers and measurements. "She was a few inches over five feet," is a more realistic way of describing her height. You will /never/ see " 5'3" " in a published book. "Seventeen" should also be spelled out as such.

Her clothing is strikingly modern-Earth-style. But this isn't earth, this is Gaea.

"Sir Jecht."

That one is so painfully obvious I can't bring myself to specifically point it out.

Luna C.

"Defy the AMSA, reap the whirlwind."

dude you have got to keep going with this! i love it! please!

wow very exciting first three chapters! I hope you keep it up I really want to know whats going to happen now! If you like Escaflowne try reading one of my stories if you have time.. PLEASE! lol bye

Ooooooooh! It's soooo cool! Which Dragonslayer got ran through? What's going to happen?