I'd say this is looking pretty good. Almost no grammar mistakes, a little run on in a few places, and the character seems like he will be an interesting addition to the group. :D Can't wait to read the next chapter.

You are a fair writer. I only caught a typo or two, and your paragraphs were clear and easy to understand. For me, that matters just as much as plot. You are on the way to a good story.

Now, I have never heard of 'Serial Experiments Lain' before now, so I really don't have any idea what impact that has on the story and may also be why I was confused a bit. But I will say that it's a bit of a bold move making yourself the main character, especially since you made Manuel a bit of an uber. Stories aren't interesting if the main character can do everything. In the future, will your readers find that he has some serious flaw somehow?

To be honest, I don't have any idea where the plot is going right now. However, this early on in the story, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Hmm, I can't think of anything else to comment on. But I'll alert this and drop another review on your next chapter to see how you build upon the plot and improve. :)