One, I really hope Ginyu is recurred character, if you had written the EnD know this yet, please make where he stays a living, kill his old body Yes, but make it rare he transfers into a girl, to survive some final attack or something! Who knows that he could create an epic quest, where he brings back his old team, for revenge!
"Good, you two can join the boxing club. With a little practice you guys could become a couple of good fighters." Sharpener said.
"Thanks, but I don't think we can join any clubs cause" Gohan said.
"Cause they both have an extra extra long drive home and don't have time to waste on clubs. Right guys." Erasa said.
"Yeah, that's it." Both said.
"So guys, what say one of you two give me a ride home on your way out." Erasa asked.
"Sorry, he's my ride home." Tom said.
"Yeah, and it's barely enough." Gohan said.
"I've got room in my car Erasa." Sharpener said.
"Sounds like a plan to me." Gohan said.
I found tons of mistakes there, with the quotations and such. Plus, the word "said" is much too repetitive it gets irritating. I'll correct the quotation mistakes, and replace "said's":
"Good, you two can join the boxing club. With a little practice you guys could become a couple of good fighters," Sharpener suggested.
"Thanks, but I don't think we can join any clubs 'cause..." Gohan was about to make up an excuse, but was interrupted.
"'Cause they both have an extra extra long drive home and don't have time to waste on clubs, right, guys?" Erasa finished.
"Yeah, that's it," Both said, relieved.
"So guys, what say one of you two give me a ride home on your way out," Erasa asked, smiling.
"Sorry, he's my ride home," Tom lied.
"Yeah, and it's barely enough," Gohan added.
"I've got room in my car Erasa," Sharpener hinted.
"Sounds like a plan to me," Gohan said.
It seems less plain. And notice where you put commas and such.
At the beginning, you start in the present tense, but then you switch to past, which makes it unclear and confusing. Your fic is boring, and there are no interesting plot twists. It makes me wonder whether you doze off while writing this drabble. Or garbage, whichever word fits your mood. Rubbish. Crap. OK, I'm sorry, I'm being repetitive.
Basically, the whole first chapter is a complete copy off of the first dubbed episode of the Saiyaman Saga, with a copy of Gohan inserted named Tom. Tom idiotically and ironically shares the same lines as Gohan.
The rest is just crap. I mean, how can Tom even be human? How can Videl be that strong? I'm getting the impression that Tom is a male version of a Mary-Sue. And believe me, I despise Mary-Sues with a passion. No one cares about your blatant, dully clichéd fantisies; it's retarded, dreary, derivative, and it takes up space. And, at times, it's even laughable.
Hm. Writing tips from a thirteen-year-old. How... God, I can't even find the right term.
Ah. Pathetic. :
Unless you're younger than thirteen. Which, at the moment, I'm ready to believe.
.
Now, improve or you'll be found dead at the breakfast table the next morning, mysteriously clutching a perfectly innocent banana in your fist...
Please. Just put this down. It is almost painful to read this. crap.
Fan 2/13/03 . chapter 1
I read only part of the story but I can say that it not that bad. I'm sure you know that it need some improvment.
The only thing I could do is to try different thing, to see what work and what don't work. I know how it difficult how to write a story and I hope you don't give up. Just sit down and think a little bit about it.
I hope you are going to improve it. I saw that you have written othet story so its not your first, maybe this one just don't want to work?
Reread it, correct it, and try to improve it but don't give up on it. I'm sure with a little help it can be really good.
Try to get a beta-reader so that maybe he can give you some pointer.
This is not a flame, just some stuff I'm tought may be able to help you.
I read a little of the fourth chapter, and I'd just like to note that Videl wouldn't be able to shoot a Kamehameha. If she ever did, it would kill her. The reason being that her power level is of around 100, the same power level of Goku when he shot his first one (he was twelve). Unfortunately, Goku's was puny and only broke a tire off of one of Bulma's cars. I would also like to note that he's Saiya-jin. How would VIDEL be able to do better than that?
Anyway...
Please take this fic down. You get more flames than constructive critisism and nice reviews put together! Whenever I see this fic on the first page of updates, all nice and updated...well, I seriously feel pity. There is NO POINT in posting this...this, um...to say it in the nicest way...LOAD OF GARBAGE...on , if hardly anyone is going to enjoy it. This fic has absolutely NO potential, and just dribbles on in its ceaceless, boring chatter. You say "said" WAAAAAAY too much and it is EXTREMELY annoying. Also, try to stay in past tense.
I suggest practising your writing and coming up with more...*coughs* ORIGINAL ideas before posting it on . How do you find joy in posting this stuff, anyway, if you know that flames are going to be rolling in by the truckload once again? That was a rhetorical question.
I talk a lot. Must be going.
And...I meant this in the most...*cough*...RESPECTFUL way...I hope...Actually, no I didn't. Sorry.
Absurd 2/11/03 . chapter 8
""Well, I can't put an exact number on it, but I can say about as strong as you as Majin Buu."
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
.
Ok, ok, its you story but making Ginyu of all characters stonger that Buu(fat or otherwise) is absurd. You could have been creative and just created your own enemy. At least that would be somewhat believable.
Oh and a serum thats can increase someones power that much?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You deserve all the bad reviews you get.
fweekster 2/3/03 . chapter 3
hm, i actually decided to read more. And this chapter shows even more emotionlessness (is that a word?) Some more advice: after you make someone speak, use other words instead of "said".
"Ugh, Chi-Chi, you know I'll never get use to this." Tom *said*.
"I agree." Chi-Chi *said*.
"Now that was Good." Gohan *said*. He put his bowl down. "Well, what do you say sport, are you ready?"
"You bet." Goten *said*.
"Finally." Tom *said*.
"Thanks Mom, it was great, see ya later." Goten *said*.
"Thanks for the great lunch Chi-Chi." Tom *said*.
"Bye Bye mom." Goten *said*.
"Goten, please don't disturb your brother and his friends training, they need to be at their best so one of them can win the prize money." Chi-Chi *said*.
"I promise Mom." Goten *said*.
"You better not." Chi-Chi *said*.
"Uh, Mom, Tom isn't apart of this family." Goten *said*.
Dang, after putting all those "saids" in asteroids, i'm nots sure if it's a word anymore. Anyway, use different words. Sometimes you do, like "smirked" or things like that, but do that more. Maybe stuff like: (i replaced/added some of the "saids" in asteroids with my own stuff to give you an idea)
"Thanks for the great lunch Chi-Chi." Tom *said*.
"Bye Bye mom." Goten *called, waving from the door*.
"Goten, please don't disturb your brother and his friends training, they need to be at their best so one of them can win the prize money." Chi-Chi *said sternly*.
"I promise Mom." Goten *replied*.
"You better not." Chi-Chi *glared at her youngest son to get her point across*.
"Uh, Mom, Tom isn't apart of this family." Goten *responded, shifting in eagerness to go train*.
See how that sounds so much more realistic? Try doing that and your readers will enjoy your story more (if they haven't already ditched this fic into their category of crappy, never-to-read fics, no offense)
well, i can't really say you're a bad author as there's always room for improvement_ and no offense, but you've got a lot.
THIS IS NOT A FLAME, JUST USEFUL CRITICISM.
You seem to have made Tom practically just like Gohan, doing things that Gohan actually did in the real tv show. Try and make your oc more original, so it doesn't turn out to be a male version of Mary Sue. (Mary Sue is an OC who the author creates to fantasize as herself, so she can fall in love with her fav character, or do things her fav character does)
And also, you're writing could do with a bit more emotion. Add more ! or ? where they're appropriate, to emphasize their expressions and what they are feeling at the moment.
Hope u take my advice, cuz i suppose this story wouldn't be too bad if it were fixed up abit.
No one likes your story! JUST TAKE IT DOWN! SAVE SOME OF YOUR DIGNITY, FOR GODSAKES!
Kamakaze 1/30/03 . chapter 7
If his powers are alien, then he must be alien, as well. Unless there's someway that he could stop his body from turning into smitherees, that's simply not possible.
Another thing:
*COUGH**COUGH* If you were referring to Goku, Goku was the strongest and will be the strongest, save Mystic Gohan, in the Dragon Ball Z part. *COUGH**COUGH*
*Sigh* Tsk,tsk,tsk. Mystic Gohan is stronger than Buu. It is said even AFTER Buu absorbed Gotenks and Piccolo Mystic Gohan was still stronger, although since now that Buu knew his moves, Buu had the upperhand. So you are making Tom equal to Buu, maybe even stronger.
Piccolo was talking to Dende when he felt a huge power. "What in the world is THAT!" He said shocked.
Krillien and Yamcha felt it too. "Wow, where is that coming from, is it Buu?" Krillien asked.
"It's heading this way, everyone get ready." Piccolo said. Goten and Trunks where ready to fuse, while everyone else who can fight made poses. Then they saw who it was, it was Tom!
"Hey guys, just finished my training." Tom said. Everyone was jaw dropped.
"Man Tom, what did you do in there, your power. It's through the roof." Krillien said.
"I just trained my heart out that's all." He smirked.
Let me get this straight: First you claim that Gohan is the strongest. Then you make Tom's power equal to Buu's. Now that, I suppose, it basically even dumber than before. Humans cannot be even anywhere NEAR the strength of a Super Saiyan. The reason behind this is because their bodies would explode.
“How I was able to do that. I can’t tell you cause, to be frank, I don’t even know. All I know is that the forms I can do is Universe 1 and Universe 2. Both are equal to your Super Sayian 1 and 2. Universe 1 and 2 you may ask. I don’t know, I just picked the name.” Tom said.
And now you say this:
Gohan had just reached his max in SSJ 2. Of the two watching (Shin and Tom), Tom was the most surprised. "Wow, and to think I though I was the strongest. I am nowhere near him. Rats, I better train harder after this. (Note: You didn't REALLY think I was going to make Tom the strongest in the series did you?)
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