|Reviews for Afterlife|
| YukiNoSamurai 1/5/13 . chapter 1
I thought I would give a critique. Well, I thought the plot had good intentions, but it wasn't very well developed. I don't mean you didn't plan it beforehand, but it lacked a lot of things. You do need to work on your grammar. Specifically word choice and punctuation (like commas for example). There were many sentences that had the incorrect form of a word. For example near the end "kissed her to the lips". It's "kissed her lips on the lips".
There are some things that aren't necessary to be said or could benefit from a good revision. Like "Not just officially, but officially officially." "Eren woke up on her bed". Also stating the closet had clothes. It's one of those common sense statements.
I think you should work on description, writing with description and action. It makes for a more interesting story. For example "Eren rolled over in her bed, glancing at her partner who was still asleep. She sat up, getting tangled in her sheets to see her clock read 6:12." "Reiji slowly leaned closer to Eren and placed a hand on her back, gently kissing her."
Those are simply examples of good description and action that can help build the text of your story.
Well, you may be tired of reading all of my critiquing by now. Just remember, work on building your stories. From the grammar: correct word choice and punctuation, to description, and interaction. Don't fret about it being your first story. Just keep up the hard work and practice a lot! Only through practice and recognizing the weak areas will you get better. After all, even professionals need editors to assist.
Best of luck. Hope you will continue to write, as well as support Reiji x Eren!
| Dragon VS Phoenix 4/4/11 . chapter 1
nice hope you will continue with the story and elaborate the story more would be nice if you hade reiji and elen meet the formers family like after have a kid and that they will find out that reiji has a real sister or something hahah ... just me brain storming but yeah ciao for now