|Reviews for With Friends Like These|
| The Sinful 7/22/12 . chapter 1
Hehehe. Reminds me of the time Aizen and his minions stole Ichigo's plot armor.
| Lastofakind 5/28/12 . chapter 1
This Fic is one of the reasons why I want to redo a lot of my older fics.
when it comes to adding OC's to a fic all reason seems to go out the window... and yes I let that happen...
This fic was great for the laughs and a good 'Dont let your fics turn into this' fic...thing...
| dogbertcarroll 5/13/11 . chapter 1
I was so happy to see Leon die. It was like being able to breath again. Thank you!
| The Hendog 5/10/11 . chapter 1
Hello, O Legendary one. I am known as The Hendog, and I am here today to provide you with some concrit. Without wasting any time, let's get to it.
First up, the summary: as a general rule, you should avoid capitalizing entire words anywhere in the story or summary. I understand they are useful for providing emphasis, but it is technically incorrect use of grammar. Food for thought.
Alright, now for the story proper.
Before I begin, I will explain my method. First, I point out any grammar/sentence structure/word usage/punctuation issue I find, and give you advice on how to fix it. After that, I will give my two cents on the plot, characterization, flow of the story, you get the idea.
In your first paragraph, not counting the opening line, I found the following: "(sentence) landlord in relative peace. And, of course, decreasing the (continues)."
Generally, you should avoid beginning a sentence with "and", "or", "because", and things of that nature. In this case, I recommend you replace the period with a comma, scrap the "And, of course", and replacing it with "not to mention", which still allows you to say what you want in this situation. Like so:
" landlord in relative peace, not to mention decreasing..."
Just as a general comment, whenever Keitaro says "uh", there should be a comma placed before and after it, since "uh" represents a nervous stutter/pause, and a comma represents a short pause within anything that is written. Otherwise, your use of commas is well above the average of what I usually read on this website.
I found this about six lines up from your first section break: " (sentence) my own place then. But for now I'm (continues)".
You could replace that period with a comma, which will make that line flow better than it does with the out of place pause created by the period.
Aside from this, I'm hard pressed to find anything significant that needs correction.
As far as the plot goes, it was a very enjoyable read; I like where you took this, although you could have made this a tad longer; seeing all the irritating and overused plot points from the endless waves of terrible Mary Sue/Gary Stu/SI fics that clog the otherwise pristine pages of FF-dot-net being cut apart has made my week.
Leon represented every single cliche that I have found in the Love Hina fandom perfectly, right down to the impossibility of the friendship between him and Keitaro. You also managed to keep the other characters in character, outside of the "OC mind control" sequence. Given that this is a mockfic, the quality of characterization is astounding.
My only complaint is that the Plot-Armor-Breaker seems inaccurately named; wouldn't Plot-Hole-Armor-Breaker be more apt, since all Mary Sue level OCs are the embodiment of a faulty plot? That's just me thinking, though; take it as you will.
In conclusion, this is a brilliantly witty piece of writing. My overall advice for you: keep on writing.
Until next time, and I do hope there will be a next time, farewell.
Order of the Concritters
| Gotta Buy 'Em All 5/2/11 . chapter 1
Wow...this story is basically a superior, more refined, version of the two mockfictions I wrote. Very awesome job, my friend. I give it a 10/10. : )
| silver dragon15 4/21/11 . chapter 1
Imagine when they did get a resistance, they try to have fun with it and see how long they can string the SI Mary Sue for. Or even one that inserts himself into the world and they don't know who he is at all.
| Nate Grey 4/20/11 . chapter 1
What a handy and wonderful device, this PAB. Su could really make a killing off of that, if she weren't already rich and ridiculously powerful. But a few more drops in the bucket couldn't hurt.
| chris 4/20/11 . chapter 1
kinda funny but your claim of your irritation getting the better of you was evident in the latter part of the story.
| KainUltima 4/19/11 . chapter 1
Not funny? The hell are you talking about dood? I was laughing so hard by the end of this I had to stop reading for a minute. Loved the armor breaker. You should make a spin off where it's being used to save all other fanfics.
| bakapervert 4/19/11 . chapter 1
Interesting story. Thanks.
| Unsigned 4/19/11 . chapter 1
To be fair, there are some fix-fics' SIs out there too.
| dzk87 4/19/11 . chapter 1
Hahha, another hilarious mockfic. But then again, were I one of those kind, the Love Hina world is soooo coool. Err hot. Well you know how it is...
| NIGHTCAT11 4/19/11 . chapter 1
... what the fuck? I am so confused. Your writing is as good as usual but the plot was ummmmmm yaaa. My head hurts and am not even going to bother to try and contemplate this further. Anyhow, I hope you update one of your other stories soon. Take care. V(_)V