   thegoodfolk 2/13/12 . chapter 3I'm going to attempt to review all the chapters in this post.
First, I disagree with you when you say it's not necessary to read Dear Sensei. Dear Sensei is vital in the insight it gives into Naruto's feelings and as to why Iruka would go out of his way to help one student. This is especially true given how many times the letter is referenced in the story.
Your punctuation for dialogue is lacking. I'll give an example of a common problem that keeps on recurring. From the last line of Chapter 3"So I really am the only one that can really help Naruto" Iruka said thoughtfully. You are missing a comma after Naruto and before the quotation mark. This website can give you a primer on dialogue punctuation, .
The Chapter titles are great as well giving a theme and focus to each section.
With that out of the way onto Chapter 1: Iruka's Revelation.
Paragraph 1 (The paragraph after the Author's Note"No matter how hard he tried he couldn't get the demon container's heart wrenching words out of his head. This was evident just by looking at the classroom.-The observations following this statement do not show how it is evident until the paragraph in nearly finished."Iruka cringed as the door opened.-Why cringe, what was Iruka fearful of?"Iruka-sensei" the leader of the village questioned softly.-Start a new paragraph for beginning dialogue from a newly introduced character.-I thought the classroom observations were rather clever.
Paragraph 3"Everyone had gone quit-Misspelled quiet"The Hokage laughed lightly "It's almost time to go home; why don't you all leave a few minutes early; I need to speak to your sensei.-The Hokage should be addressing the teacher rather than the classroom as a sign of respect.-I like how Naruto's situation is so easily summed up with the Hokage and Iruka watching Naruto gather up his papers and playing it off like a joke when he fails.
Paragraph 4-In many ways a repeat of the ending of the last paragraph.-I love the part were Iruka singles out Naruto showing he hasn't instantly warmed up to the boy and still is in the dark about Naruto's situation.-Overall this paragraph was great saying all that needed to be said about Iruka's and Naruto's relationship after having just met. Also, it shows how the children act towards him which is something that won't be seen again in the next two chapters.
Paragraph 5"He waited while Iruka seated himself behind his desk taking in the pain that was slowly dissipating from the chunin's eyes.-I think that replacing pain with a more specific word, like worry would benefit the sentence.
Paragraph 6"… but heisn't just another student.-Space needed between he and isn't."Iruka's words had taken on a dark hair as he spoke.-Replace the word hair with the word tone.
Paragraph 7-The speech given by the Hokage sounds authentic, exactly how one might imagine a wise leader giving advice.-The Hokage saying, "see underneath the underneath" seems forced given the series.
Paragraph 8-The story could benefit from expounding on the weapon seller's treatment of Naruto, making it seem more malicious."boy's weapons are old and dull. He found himself at the tailor-Start a new paragraph because of the change of scene."He quietly walked in to not alert the shopkeeper to his presence to hear two men laughing.-Too many to's.
Paragraphs 9-13 (The discussion in the tailor's shop-By talking about the color of Naruto's outfit, you open up criticism toward the outfits of other characters in the series.-Good point, Naruto's 'mask' is shown again."Maybe that was just another lie.-Not a reasonable conclusion for Iruka to draw. Would benefit from a rationalization vocalized from Iruka.
Paragraph 14"It's been a while sense I ran into you here Iruka.-Replace sense with since.
Paragraphs 15-19 (Iruka's talk with Kakashi-A short but very explanative section about Iruka slowly coming to a realization about Naruto. Very Nice.
Paragraph 21"Iruka tried to be an effective teacher, but-Sounds more like a description of a character trait than the day's events.
Paragraph 22-A good line to end on.
Overall-Certain points could have been expanded on more to make Iruka's revelation about Naruto more believable, like adding in more for the weapon shop.-The little bits of humor and nods to the series were a welcome addition.
Chapter 2: It Was a Joke.
Paragraph 2 (Second paragraph after the Author's Note-Good job setting up Naruto's mask again.
Paragraph 3"Hinata can you shut the door please" the man asked seeing that quit girl was the last to leave.-Replace quit with quiet."Naruto raised an eyebrow, but covered it quickly with a large grin.-Little point to this unless it is to highlight Naruto's perceptive abilities or if he think it odd Hinata would be the last to leave class. If so it wasn't brought up again making it have little to no relevance.
Paragraphs 4-6-Humor is appreciated.
Paragraph 7"Naruto began to silently panic while putting on a big Cheshire cat grin.-Drop cat, it isn't necessary."I'm a little concerned about some of what you wrote to me the other day.-Drop little or some of, it is redundant.
Paragraphs 8-10 (Naruto brushes off the letter-Naruto's continued deflections show his issues with trust, good job.
Paragraph 13"so it never mattered if no one would play with Naruto.-Change no one to anyone"grabbing his tattered backpack. Naruto walked to the nearby training grounds-Scene change and action change, new paragraph between backpack and Naruto.-It is unclear what motivation Naruto has for beating on the log. I can't bring myself to call it bad because the motivation can be addressed later even in future chapters.
Paragraph 14"Ramen Please-Make please all lowercase letters.
Paragraph 17"He added mournfully as he glanced back at the boy to see blood on his counter.-Consider replacing mournfully with another word such as glumly or morosely
Paragraph 18-I really loved this line where Naruto begs Teuchi not to get mad. It shows so much has happened to him with only a couple written sentences, speaking volumes.
Paragraph 19"he said sternly causing the blond to quite.-Change quite to quiet.
Paragraph 28"The buildings changed from nice apartments and restaurants to barley standing buildings and strip bars.-Change barley standing to dilapidated.
Paragraphs 29-32 (Naruto's Job-I really like the concept of Naruto needing a job to supplement his income. It shows the level of desperation Naruto is in, given the shady nature of the work. I hope it is expounded upon in later chapters.
Overall-Definitely an improvement over the last chapter. There are a couple redundancies about Naruto hiding his pain but they don't hurt the story. I would avoid using the word quiet seeing the trouble it is causing you. Okay, I'm kidding on that last part.
Chapter 3: Expectations
Paragraph 1 (First paragraph after the Author's Note"Deciding to seek council from someone who actually cared for Naruto, he sat behind his desk to grade some papers before going to see the Hokage.'he sat behind his desk to grade some papers', really breaks the flow. It could be better placed earlier in the paragraph.
Paragraph 2"He left the academy, waving at Mizuki on the way, before strolling casually toured the tower.-Drop casually, strolling is casual/leisurely-Replace toured with toward.
Paragraph 7-Covers old ground but is thankfully short.
Paragraph 9
Establishing more to Naruto and it isn't just you the author telling the reader this you have shown it before in subtle ways.
Paragraph 14-Thankfully, the Hokage doesn't descend into a rant about the Council and the topic is contained to the bare facts.
Paragraph 25"I'm sorry if me wanting the best for my friends upsets you and please forgive me for expecting one of my comrades to handle a situation that I can't-Rather illogical for Kakashi to assume Iruka to know why he can't help Naruto when he hasn't even explained anything to him.
Paragraph 37"Despite Guy's eccentrics his words did ring some truth and made Iruka feel a bit better.-Replace eccentrics with eccentricities.
Paragraphs 37 to 49 (Iruka makes Naruto breakfast-I enjoyed this scene a lot. In fact I was waiting for a moment of bonding like this between the two from the very beginning. The waiting made it all the sweeter.
Paragraphs 50 to 60 (Kakashi talks to Iruka for the second time, now explaining his earlier behavior-The paragraphs here would probably flow better with the first conversation in paragraphs 15 through 26.
Overall-It might be that I'm losing steam or you are constantly improving between chapters, because I am finding less negatives each time (personally I believe it to be the latter).-The biggest thing that I thought that could be changed for the better was the talks with Kakashi. I think that it would have made more sense to combine the two into one conversation, especially given Kakashi's unreasonable demand that Iruka understand his situation without any prior knowledge.-Changing that would also lead to having to change or remove the dialogue with Gai that followed the first conversation.
I would like to see more of the story in future seeing as I did enjoy reading it, but I'll be away at training for a long while.
I wish you all the very best.
JT |
| Ricta 2/6/12 . chapter 3 I am far too lazy to log in (mostly because I am incapable of typing my email address without making like ten mistakes what's with that anyway?
Awww, poor Naruto, all tired and stuffs
I wanna know what he was doing with the mean dude... but I guess you'll get to explaining that whenever
Anyway, it's really interesting so far! n_n
BYE! |
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