Personally, I like the idea of the pairing but the writing and dialogue... just, it's not very good. I can't imagine the characters thinking or speaking in such a way. It feels awkward and almost hurts a little to read how bluntly and simply the emotions are expressed. It needs more story, it needs more personality, and it needs accuracy in portrayal of the characters.
(Sorry I'm being rather hard on you, I'm simply disappointed as this isn't a very big fandom and therefore doesn't have much written for it.)

The idea is interesting, but I think it would be a lot more readable if it were split into paragraphs.

Hey, this is cute! It reminds me of the Kraftwerk song "Computer Love". I wonder if HAL, being in love, will reconsider his plans to sabotage the mission... One thing: I think you mean "He couldn't help but notice" (2nd paragraph) instead of "not notice". And yes, I like HAL's voice too, although I also find it ominous at times.

That's a very unique piece of fiction, to slash love between man and machine. It's well thought out and effective, puts a new angle on the relationship. It's a clever idea.

HAL/Dave Slashfic? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS. WHY.