|Reviews for General Kid|
| Peach the Hedgehog 10/30/11 . chapter 1
Interesting choice of ending! I personally would have done the one where Serge/Lynx ends up becoming chief of Marbule, but that's just me.
I didn't notice any problems with spelling and at least you were constant with your tenses. Though present tense is normally used for something like this, at least you stuck with it, instead of changing back and forth.
I do have a critique here. I'm going to start at the ending here. You don't need to put 'Extended ending' or whatever else. You see, what you should have done was take this scene and add to it. Make it more your own. After all, there is a good chance that Chrono Cross players have seen this ending, so you need to give them more.
The battle with Lynx was very anti-climatic. I know that happened in the game, but I'll confess, I don't buy into the fact that Kid could kill Lynx just like that. There has to be a fight, some sort of struggle, and then Kid could emerge victorious! See, this is what I'm talking about when it comes to making the scene your own. It never hurts to change things a little after all.
The next concern I have was that you went for, as far as I could tell, 100% accuracy with the quotes. Remember how I mentioned that if a person has played through New Game that they would have most likely seen this ending? I know I did, as it was my first. I'm not saying that the quotes can't be there, but how about spicing it up a little? Like, maybe change a line slightly, or something. Heck, maybe even go into slightly more detail about what Lynx did back at the orphanage or something?
Finally, I'd like to see a bit more detail. You do have some nice detail in places! But I would have liked more visual. You never know who could run into your story. You need to treat readers like we don't know the story. And even then, it's always nice to have the extra visual. I would have liked to have see mention the twin moons in the sky.
Now, I know I nitpicked a lot, but I am interested to see where you can go! Writing takes practice after all, alongside everything else. So, don't let what I've said discourage you!