|Reviews for Point Match And Win|
| DPayne 9/15/12 . chapter 1
| JEREMY 9/5/12 . chapter 1
This SHOULD have been worked into an ep of the series.
It would have gone a long way toward improving the relations
between young men and women,since it usually starts in high school.
This is the type of story that young people need to hear TODAY.
Elizabeth Berkeley would have been HONORED AND PROUD to have
done this scene.
I'll bet she would LOVE it if you sent her a copy of this one.
| James Birdsong 5/15/12 . chapter 1
Maybe good. Maybe wonderful
| Very good job 8/21/11 . chapter 1
This is great b/c the people were in character and had a discussion i could see them having. Yes we only see a small part of each characters' day so there could b subtle differences in times we dont see but u dont always keep people acting like thesmelves. Here u do though.
My advice is to check spelling and character traits on a place like wikipedia to make sure u r doing a character right. And 2 make a point use the kind of character who could b argued 2 do so. In other words, u can have a character grow & b kinder if u explain your reasoning but a sullen and very quiet character wont all of a sudden be really happy and talkative.
But here your characters are good.
| Good job 8/20/11 . chapter 1
This was very good in that you put together a few different people and situations. You used some good jokes like this:
"I couldn't fit into Jessie's shoes," Slater joked, "I'm at least 3 sizes bigger then her"
"That was corny," Jesse said laughing
"Where did you come from," Slater asked
"Didn't your mom have that talk with you already," Jessie asked
You could have used some other words besides "said" and "asked" - in the part I quoted you have "Slater joked" and that's good but still, try to vary the words a little. (commented, replied, suggested are all good for instance. When emotion is needed, insisted, exclaimed, or whined are among good choices.)
We don't have a sense of place, it's easy enough to picture these teens in the hall of a school for me, but - while it's true your main point is the discussion - every story needs at least some setting, even if it's just "as he looked up from putting books away in his locker after school." That's all you need.
Back to emotion for a second, your stories will appeal more to readers if you use gestures. You don't have to all the time but at certain points. Zack brushing his hair back was good. But, here is an example of where it would have been great.
"Yes," Jesse said tiredly, "I'm not some shrinking violet. However, I'll tell you what you aren't allowed to do," she added, pointing a finger up in the air for emphasis. "You're not allowed to act like you have no idea who I am because you and I have a disagreement"
See how that adds emotion and such to the story?
Otherwise, thought, you have a very good handle here ona long, drawn out conversation. Remember to check name spellings on the shows you write fics for, and just keep varying things like I said. This is a real improvement over some of your works, and it's wonderful to see.
| Guest 8/19/11 . chapter 1
the different spellings of the name jesse
FOR BOYS - J-E-S-S-E
FOR GIRLS - J-E-S-S-I-E
GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK DUMB SKULL YOU IDIOIC MORON ASSHOLE!
| Ace5492 8/19/11 . chapter 1