|Reviews for Above the clouds|
| Yamadori 9/4/11 . chapter 1
Sorry it took so long; I've been sick since Friday... But I'm finally feeling a little better, so I'm ready to review now. () And I have to try not to critique the same things Inita already did. XD
Just a quick question first... Since this is after Nene's defeat, I'm guessing this is around Episode 39... So when you said "awards show", are you talking about the medal ceremony? Sorry... I get confused for odd reasons sometimes. (;)
* "Kluke wandered aimlessly through Jibral City." - I hope no one who just started watching the anime reads this, but... Episode 39 happens in the City of Logic (or Logic City, if you prefer; I like the way the first looks, but either are correct). Jibral gets destroyed in Episode 14 (or it might've been Episode 15...).
* "'Zola could have tell us at least where she wanted to go.'" -"Tell" should be "told" here. I also think the "at least" could come after "have", but it isn't necessary; whichever you prefer. :)
* "Kluke had bounced against something, no someone- She heard a groan from the person she sent on the floor- And the voice sounded familiar." I read Inita's critique, and I actually like the three periods for the first sentence. XD (Inita, I don't know if you're reading this, but I didn't mean /all/ sentences... (;) I'm so sorry... I don't remember the context exactly, but I was talking about sentences that were apart of each other. If the sentence you were capitalizing was /not/ part of the same sentence, then I apologize, because I have made a serious error.) The hyphen after the second sentence is fine, but you might want to put a space after "floor"; I know personally, I only have a hyphen with no space if someone is talking and I'm trying to get a certain "sound" out of the sentence. Also, the "and" should have its "a" lower-case, unless you intended it to be a third sentence; if so, just disregard that last part. XD
* "She asked worried, because he still lied on the ground." - This should either have a comma after "asked", or "worried" should instead be "worriedly".
* "Shu stood up, "Yeah, guess I am..." He said slowly while rubbing his head." - Shu becomes the speaker here rather than Kluke, so this should be another paragraph.
* "Kluke wondered sincerely if the blow to his head really didn't damaged him." - Again, there are two choices of what you could do here. Either "didn't" should be replaced with "hadn't", or "damaged" should become "damage".
* "He shouted under a lot of stress." - Personally, I would put a comma after "shouted" and put "seeming to be under a lot of stress" or "appearing to be under a lot of stress", but that's just a preference of mine. If you like it the way it is, it would be fine to leave it. :)
* ""When she'll pass by, tell her that I went along the street!" - Instead, try this: "When she passes by, tell her that I went down the street!"
* "Kluke, who was shocked and had turned red, started, "Let-" But Shu had already hid behind a few boxes next to a sweet shop. Perplexed, she stared at him, or rather at the cases he had dissapeared behind." - This is another instance where it should be a separate paragraph. Speakers are changing again here, so it's the same issue as last time. Also, “dissapeared" should be “disappeared”.
* "Bouquet nodded and, without another word, she tore along the road." - Try "down" instead of "along". This time, it's not just a matter of it fitting more - you used "along" in the last sentence, so using "down" helps to add more variety.
* "Kluke heart Shu sighing relieved." - "Heard" instead of "heart".
* "You can come out of your hiding." - "Your" isn't exactly necessary here, but if you like it, there wouldn't be a problem with leaving it. :)
* "Shu had told her just how he had tried to get away from Bouquet (who apparently was in act of planning her and Shu's wedding and was, of course, far from pleased because her self-appointed 'fiancé' didn't share her passion for their 'dream wedding'." - Two little things here. Between "in" and "act" should be "the", and you need to put a closing parentheses after "wedding'".
* "She and Shu went along Jibral's high street, when Kluke pointed at a well patronized ice cream parlor." - "Logic's" instead of "Jibral's". Again, Jibral is gone, and I'm presuming this is taking place in Episode 39's timeline, so...
* "While Shu and Kluke were eating their ice creams, the had fun thinking about the lives of the passerby." - "They" instead of "the". Just a tiny thing here; nothing to worry about. ()
* "And she was the beauty of Jibral!" - This /should/ be Logic, but... If I'm not mistaken, this is a reference to the first game, right? I wonder if there's a way to change it without losing the reference... If you'd like to keep it somehow, I'd ask Inita for advice with this one.
* "He started and grinned mean." - Should be "meanly" instead of "mean".
* "Still giggling, Kluke turned around and... Detected Jiro. He didn't look quite happy, but Kluke still snarled at Shu, "That's Jiro, you idiot!"" - Again, this needs to be another paragraph.
* "Jiro threw an annoyed look on them, sighed and went over to them." - Try this: "Jiro threw an annoyed look their way, sighed and went over to them." The way it is, "on" should be "at", but "them" is used twice this sentence. Changing it to the example I gave, or to something similar, corrects the original problem while preventing repetition.
* "He asked, obvious bored." - "Obviously" instead of "obvious".
* "Kluke laughed. "Well, we're eating an ice cream! The customer bestowed them to us. I'm sure you'll get one too!"" - All of this text should be another paragraph. In addition, perhaps you should try "gave" instead of "bestowed". "Bestowed" was used not just in this chapter, but in the same scene; it's being used too frequently. Some words just don't have something you can replace them with - for example, "door"; really, how much can you change /that/? - but it's good to do so when you can.
* "Jiro seemed not taken with her laughter. "No, thank you. Have fun." He said sarcastically and turned around to leave them. Astouned, Kluke watched him going away." - A few things to deal with here... For one, this needs to be another paragraph. Also, the first sentence needs to be altered somehow... There are several ways you could do this, but here's the first thing I thought of: "Jiro did not seem taken with her laughter." (With "not" being italicized or not, depending on what you prefer.) I'm sure there are other ways you could write that sentence, but I can't think of them at the moment... If you don't like that one, let me know, and I'll see if I can think of something else... In the last sentence, "astouned" should be "astounded". And concerning that last one... I'm not sure whether or not it should be another paragraph... I know that if you are going to make it another paragraph, there should be more added to it; Kluke is astounded that he's walking away, so maybe add more about what she's thinking. You may not need to separate it, though... To be honest, I'm not really sure. I hate to keep saying this, but you might need to ask Inita about this one. (;) (I'm sorry, Inita!)
* "Shu, who had observed her exactly, said comforting," - "Exactly" seems unnecessary here... I don't really see any reason to keep it. Also, "comforting" should be "comfortingly".
* "After a few hours they had spent most in Jibral's downtown, Kluke and Shu had went back into the castle." - A few things for this one. Maybe "the" instead of "a"; take out "most"; and replace "Jibral's" with "Logic's". I actually don't know if that's a castle, but... It's a close enough description, so just leave it. ()
* "And just as the reached the door to the group's room, said door opened with a loud bang." - "They" instead of "the".
* "and, suddenly, beamed at them, as if only the sight of them had made his day perfect." - Unless you were looking for a certain kind of "tone" with this sentence, take out the comma after "them", and possibly the one after "and". You could actually take out all three, but if you'd like to leave a comma there, you can definitely get away with one (and maybe even the two).
* "It fits quite well that I meet you here. But first, tell me: Where are the others?" He asked and looked around like he expected to see them every second." - "Met" instead of "meet". Also, at the end, perhaps you could try, "that very second" rather than "every second". The way it is currently is okay; the suggestion just looks a little neater. Unless Legolas is looking around for them quite a bit before Shu says anything - in that case, "every" would be fine. :)
* "Kluke added, in duty bound because of Legolas's bewildered air, "We met Jiro and Bouquet in the town earlier. Sorry!"" - This should, again, be another paragraph. Also, try "feeling" instead of "in". She isn't necessarily required to answer him, but chances are Kluke feels that she should. One more thing: you could write it as "duty-bound" instead. I've also seen it as "dutybound", but my spell checker responds strangely when I write it that way. XD
* ""Well, if the others aren't here, then you two simply will make the balloon flight!"" - How this should be changed depends on the context. If there is something wrong with the balloon and it is unable to take flight, then you should change "flight" to "fly". If the balloon is working and it's a planned event or something related, then change "make" to "go to".
That's all for this chapter. There were mistakes, but none serious. The story is very cute, and I'm really enjoying it so far. () I'll read and critique chapter two as soon as I have time. I'm not able to right now, but I look forward to reading it. :D
| BRVRfan 9/1/11 . chapter 2
Really liked this story! Ending was cute
| J.Austin.Sm 9/1/11 . chapter 2
Admir and Zola
You are an idiot, being 15 and you still don't have a brain. By blocking us you think that we can't read your bloody pms that you send us? Wrong again, we can view em on our email account dummy, You sent me that msg and blocked me? Heres my reply, yeah i do like her keep your nose out of other peoples buisness.
I'm sure Inita must have seen it through her account aswell.
Want my advice? get a brain and move on.
back to reviewing Nice job loome. :)
| Rose From Heaven 8/31/11 . chapter 2
Forgive me for reviewing late...
Oh a two shot? wait is this the same two shot you told me about (jiroduh she did? weren't you paying attention?)
(me *slaps jiro* jessy taught me the slapping stuff xD...)
I'm starting to like Shu/Kluke more. I hope to see more BD fics 4rm u.
| Taheria 8/30/11 . chapter 2
I saw a few mistakes, but I'll point them out on the SnivyGirl07 account :) ...I'll also reply to your review reply on the account too ;) I...may not be able to beta read today, but I will in the future; right now, all I wanna do is work on my Shu/Bouquet one shot for a certain someone...
I have to say, I did find Kluke's comment in the beginning (i.e "Shu, do something! ! ! Use your shadow..." 'And you your brain'") quite humorous xD I started laughing and my mom was looking at me as if I were nuts -.-
And, despite being the Jiro/Kluke fanatic I am, I did like the ending :D
Oh, if you're finished, you HAVE to go into story properties and fill in the "Complete" bubble; it's sort of a site rule here e.e It's not mentioned (or it isn't NOW), but it'd be nice if you did :)
Well! All in all, well done Loome _ I'll have to save the praise for my other account though e.e
| OrangeKittyCat 8/30/11 . chapter 2
I love it xD Especially the ending x)
| Inita 8/22/11 . chapter 1
...Why do I always get stuck with the icky jobs? ;P I'm just joking; I love beta reading xD I love how people react to them - good or bad. Fu** em... -_- Oy, what's with all these Kluke fanfics D: (Just kidding about that too)
- “Kluke wandered aimless through Jibral City.” You’re using the wrong form of ‘aimless’; it’s ‘aimlessly’
- “Kluke had bounced against something, no someone... She heard a groan from the person she sent on the floor... And the voice sounded familiar” As Yamadori said to me, it looks odd when there are three dots and the starting of the next sentence after said dots is capitalized. Actually, if I were to be truly honest, the dots don’t look good here at all :/ I’d suggest a different ‘break/hesitating’ mark in the line.
- “he putted his hands on her shoulders” The word ‘putted’ doesn’t fit here... Actually, I didn’t even know it was a word until I typed it on Word itself ; But anyway, it’s ‘put’, not ‘putted’.
- “...eyes and said vivid” It’s ‘vividly’
- “Silent, Kluke pointed along the street” It’s ‘silently’, not ‘silent’
- “Shu had told her just how he had tried to get away from Bouquet- who, apparently, was in act of planning her's and Shu's wedding, and was, of course, far from pleased because her self-appointed 'fiancé' didn't share her passion for their 'dream wedding'” A sentence this long should NOT be after a hyphen; especially with this many commas. By the way, ‘her’s’ should just be ‘her’ and you need to lower on the comma use.
- “don't care who Bouquet marry in her dreams” ‘marries’, not ‘marry
- “when Kluke pointed at an well patronized ice cream parlor” Not ‘an’; it’s ‘a’
- “The customer of the shop seemed overjoyed when he recognized Shu and Kluke as 'the heros of the world'” ‘heros’ is spelt wrong; it’s ‘heroes’ and again, the ending of the sentence (Shu and Kluke as 'the heros of the world') seems odd to me. I’d replace Shu and Kluke’s name with ‘the heroes of the world’.
- You don’t need a hyphen between ‘passer’ and ‘by’; it’s all one word: passerby
- “He said sarcastic and” it’s ‘sarcastically’ not ‘sarcastic’
I think that’s about it... Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go work on a Shu/Kluke one shot of my own and work on my novel AND reply to PMs
| Rose From Heaven 8/22/11 . chapter 1
There were a few mistakes. I still liked it. :D
I'll be looking 4wd 4r an update. :)
| OrangeKittyCat 8/22/11 . chapter 1
There was a few mistakes, but I forgot where they were-_-