Ceroxon, I have tolerated you for this whole time, and you want to know what? Your reviews are worthless! You are only one other person that has been like this, and neither of you have a clue as to what a true Mary Sue is. Look at the reviews for my post on that. As far as this story not being interesting enough, well, I hate to break it to you, but this is the most popular story I have written yet, and it has gotten more response in a few weeks than some other works I have written that have taken months. It's not that you think he's a "Mary Sue," but you just don't like someone interjecting ANY original characters into a story, do you. You are what I call a purist, and, guess what...I do not like purists. This is my definition of a purist: someone who can only talk about it and can't do it himself. Where's your stories, huh? Oh, wait...that's right...you don't have any! Tell you what...why don't you write a story yourself and show us all how it's done! This is my most popular story, it's getting massive hits and return readers...AND THERE'S GOING TO BE A SEQUEL! It's people like you that just make me want to do this more and more. I will write another, I will have Ian in it, and I don't care what you think. Your reviews are not constructive criticism, but they are the voice of a jealous person who only wishes they could do it and have no skill whatsoever. I've heard your reputation, and you do this to everyone who writes, so I am told. I won't lose any sleep over you.

Hagal certainly stirred up the hornet's nest.

Good to see that Skuld's and Sentaro's relationship is going well.

lol! So now its cooking instead of hockey? Well, cooking I know! In fact thats the meal I am serveing tonight, But I just call it "pot roast" instead of New england broiled dinner. ;)

Kat

Depending how far Bell and Kei go, Attempting to attack the temple may be a bad idea for Hagal. A very bad idea indeed...

It's going to be funny to see Peorth get interrupted by skuld whenever Peorth goes to spend a certain amount of time with Keiichi.

Sayoko might be a bit of a basketcase for awhile, considering all the stuff she realized when Peorth took her to the temple.

Indeed, if there are those that have thought, merely by reading chapter one of this story, that the OC is a Mary Sue, I think they need to read more of the story. In the first few chapters, I guarantee that that could be the impression one gets. However, not too many chapters in, we see that the OC indeed has some flaws, and even makes some major mistakes. Indeed, there is a relationship growing between the OC and one of the characters, but I tell you it is NOT one of the three goddesses, nor shall he have the final word on the plot complications developing within the story. He is not the main focus, but he is a plot mover, and some time had to be spent on him establishing his character. However, because of the events that happen to him, and the fact that he does not try to dominate the tale, is far from perfect though he seems it at first, to me, makes him far from being a Mary Sue. The reason I write this is because, from some of the bad character tests I have seen about seeing if an OC is a Mary Sue, in order for an OC to be believable, he or she has to be bland, barely visible, a weakling, with nothing special about him or her whatsoever. The only thing I can gather is that there are folks out there that feel that any OCs should have very little involvement in the story, or there should be none at all, because, after all, and I think I quote, "People came to read about their favorite characters, and not your piece of trash!"

Well, if that was the case, then everyone needs to stop writing fan fiction altogether, because, according to the purist snobs, no one has the right to have imaginations about their favorite work. Well, let me tell you what I think about the purists: purists are people who talk about it and can't do it themselves! It makes me wonder why those people read fan fiction at all if such things bother them. The best article I have ever read on the matter of Mary Sue is one where a fellow rips to shreds the Mary Sue tests out there, because, by them, Superman, James Bond, Smoke Jenson, Doctor Who, Luke Skywalker, et al, would be Mary Sue by those standards! The key to not writing Mary Sue is this: can you get away with it? If yes, then he or she is not Mary Sue. If not, really rethink things. Keys to avoiding Mary Sue: do not displace central characters with yours, and worse, have them take over the love interest. This shows an odd, almost disturbing, fantasy the author bears and would love to live out. However, if there is a secondary character that has no love interest, and there is a way to logically have the OC and the cannon be together, then go for it-can you get away with it? Second, do not have him or her dominate the story. In earlier works of mine, I have been guilty of this, even though there have been many who still loved the series I wrote. (Go figure!) There are already established heroes to the tale, and the title of the tale aims at THEM being the ones to be the final arbiter in dealing with plot complications. The OC's can help, and even be in the climactic scene, but they cannot be the ones to save the day-can you get away with it. Third, OCs need flaws, and they have to be able to be roughed up a bit, even if the OC is Billy BA. Even if they seem to fight with ease early on, when they meet a key villain, it can't go so easy for them. They have to have some trouble winning, and even getting beaten at first when facing one of the main foes. However, if the entire cast are Billy BAs, and fight with some ease more or less, if he fits in with the rest, and does not take over leadership, fight better than anyone else, that's fine-can you get away with it?

I can say this, though, in creating any characters: you writing an original tale or adding an OC in fan work, one cannot help but put even a smidgen of one's self in a character, for, one can only write about what one knows, and when it is something of your creation, it is only natural to put something of yourself into it, and that goes for any kind of art: writing, dance, painting, photography, or whatnot. I write this for all those out there who are too quick to cry Mary Sue without even knowing what that means. The sum of the matter is this: do what you want, but have it make sense, and do it, so long as you get away with it. It's your story, your imagination, and it should never be so structured that it takes away creativity from you, but with just enough structure and logic to make it as much fun for the reader to read as it was for you to write...and that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so! (Whoops, that's someone else!) ;)

Ian may now have a fan in Thrymr. Hopefully, she doesn't become a stalker-ish fan.

So the imbalance might be because Hell's computer systems are detecting two Daimakaicho... With both Hagal and Hild Prime claiming the title, I can imagine why Hild Prime might be hiding for now. Probably to prevent further errors and making sure Hell's computer systems don't go all "blue screen of death" on everyone.

the chapter was good, but you made lind say "I am Gunnery Sergeant Hild"

was that on purpose?

The OC in this story is a textbook example of both the Relationship Sue and God Mode Sue (In the most literal sense) tropes in action. This is practically impossible to pull off in an elegant and enjoyable manner, especially within the circumstances that you have presented. I suggest spending some time poking around the core fan-work tropes on the tvtropes website in order to get a better feeling for what many fans look for in a story, and what sort of writing techniques and plot devices are likely to merit a negative reaction.

My personal suggestion: Had the OC originated closer to the setting in the source material he would go down a lot easier. Either from Asgard if you insist on divine characteristics, or from Japan and the surrounding area if you were really set on portraying a human element. Even something like Australia or New Zealand would go a long way towards improving suspension of disbelief. Also, you seem very intent on explaining all of the details of your character's background story as quickly as possible, leaving no questions regarding his role, motives, or purpose. Unfortunately said background is rather bland, which can often be interpreted as a sign of poor character planning and research. Perhaps there is a really interesting character underneath all of that, but I certainly did not get that impression from what I read.

That said, the technical aspects of the first few chapters the story are solid, and the overall structure of the plot not without merit. You also seem to have a dedicated, if somewhat small fan base that genuinely enjoys your work. If you are satisfied with how your story progresses, trying to adjust your writing style to interest a wider audience may simply not be in your interests. On the other hand if you put in some time and effort researching the medium, writing background material, and planning out your story you could easily draw an order of magnitude more interest.

I wonder who'll make the devilish deal, Hagal/Hagal's minions or Chibi-Hild? Probably Hagal's minions, So we can see Chibi-Hild go, "I know it seems like something I would do, But I'm not responsible this time." or some variation of that phrase.

A good story. Fat to be the best ,far to be the worst. It was a good time.

Going by the info of Hild prime being sealed away by a Team of demons that was stated in Chapter 5, I wouldn't put it past the avatar of Hild to trick Ian into destroying a seemingly harmless object. And with that object's destruction, starts a domino-effect that ends with the release of Hild prime.

I think this is the first chapter that had no overt hockey referances. lol

Thor huh? Well, i guess he could fit as the norns elder brother. Can defanatly see him keeping Ian (and the rest!) in line.

well, time to chop up some veggies and get supper started.

Kat

Sneaky, sneaky Hild and Mara. Grabbing the target just as his power starts to show. I should have suspected Mara might have been a hockey fan, at least of the potential violence in it.

Good chapter.