   funanyaTHEmute 10/1/11 . chapter 4So, The Patriot was on TV today, and, out of boredom, I decided to explore the FF archives (with low expectations). But low and behold, what do I find but a Thomas fic! I've only ever found one other, so I'm so excited to see someone else going for it!
Anyway, I really can't wait for more. There's so much potential in the plot, and Rebecca is a unique character for the time period who still manages to be believable. I'm glad you're taking the time to let the Thomas and Rebecca grow as individuals while the romance progresses; jumping into things too quickly, even in a fanfiction, never works. The awkward teenage thing going on between them is too cute and also true to reality. I love the subtle hints you drop about them caring more than they say, too. You're also doing fairly well to "show and not tell" with your writing style (i.e. "She looked down at her hands" rather than saying "she was uncomfortable" or something of the likes) which makes for a more interesting, dimensional read. Keep it up!
On a technical note, though, dialogue should go on the same line as the action of the speaker; if you do indent, you should break to put in a "he said/she said" line for direction. So, for example(Thomas looked up the stairs. "Shouldn't she go to her aunt's house in Charleston?
His father shook his head."If she wasn't engages, yes," Benjamin said. "But as her fiance
Even though it's usually pretty obvious who's saying what and it doesn't seem like a big deal, it's the way it's supposed to be done. But don't worry too much about it, since it's usually pretty obvious who'd saying what and it's really not a big deal
Okay. This review is officially the length of a chapter. Sorry about that. Wrapping it up now. Thank you for indulging us Thomas fans with a wonderful story and please update as soon as possible! |
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