O-o-o-o-kay, now another... (gives an encouraging little pat)

SG

Not so much a review as a WHERE'S THE NEXT CHAPTER?

SG

A few more examples of excellent phrasing:

"true as a Munchkin fortune cookie" (This one made me giggle)

"Lei's voice rang through the quiet of the hall like the chime of a bell..." (this one goes in my "phrases to steal" file.)

You really do have a way with words. What's a "git"-if I'm reading that right? Keep in mind some of your readers are not young and "up" on the latest slang...

SG

"That blue one with the, oh you know the... swishy bits."

I love that line, and the scenes that follow it. I can just see Lei going through her closet and gown after gown flying through the air as she rejects them.

I was a little put off by the ending lines about Lei taking her top off. There was a TV commercial running here for a time that has some snarky guy telling his date to take her top off meaning the lid of the container of some kind of food being served-which I just found really irritating. The commercial isn't your doing, of course, but the line in your story-to me-is just as distressing. Everything flows so smoothly up to that point. I know you could have found a more eloquent way to demonstrate Cain's 'discombobulation'.

Looking forward to the next chapter(s)

SG

This is really very nicely done.

The grammar is correct, good spelling and punctuation. To my thinking, fan-fic is a training ground for the professional writer-to-be, and getting the mechanics of a story correct is critical. You've done that exceptionally well for a "first anything".

I also like the story-line so far. I like the idea of Cain paired with ladies other than DG, so I'm eager to see where this goes. Tin Man is a strong favorite of mine and it's good to see a few new stories still coming along.

Keep up the tood work.

Scarlet G

This story is getting really good. I can't wait to read the rest, Update soon.

Love it! next chapter please! 3

Interesting... I like how you added your own character to the story.

I was kinda skeptical about the whole...Cain/OC thing...but after reading this story, I've really begun to like it! Please write more! It's very good, and I'm interested in seeing what's going to happen :)