|Reviews for Nightmares and Coffee|
| Kyori 10/10/12 . chapter 1
I enjoyed the story - quite. Being a critical reader myself, I get distracted by the littlest things such as grammar, punctuation, colloquial choice of words (a.k.a "slang"), and the likes. Brace yourself.
'Looks like he wasn't able to get much sleep last night' MeowMeow thought, reluctantly getting up from the comfortable couch he was lying on and headed towards the kitchen, planning on making a pot of coffee.
'Looks like he wasn't able to get much sleep last night,' MeowMeow thought.../.../...a pot of coffee.
Before ending a dialogue, remember to put the comma right before the closing apostrophe, and then the action done by said person.
If this one was true, then the Kat Team will be in a lot of trouble.
If this one was true, then the Kat Team would be in a lot of trouble.
Since I assume the story should be written in past tense (starting was in past tense, the ongoing events are described in past tense, not counting the mentioned "history" of the story is in past tense), 'will' is incorrect here as it is applied when the story is written in present tense, rather, I would suggest changing it to 'would' instead.
I also noticed how the sentences, very often, would begin like this: (Character 1) (verb) (Character 2) (adverb); (Character 2) (emotion); (Character 2) (verb); (Character 1) (verb). See the pattern?
It always begins with a character's name. 8 sentences out of 10. At least, during the start anyway; the second half of the chapter was written with slight different alterations here and there, which was a nice change of ... well, pattern. Did you write the entire chapter in different intervals of time? A break time in between, maybe? It's a nice quality, what I mean is.
I see a lot of potential for this story - honestly it is enjoyable. Just don't let it become excessively cheesy or predictable, though. I hope NoLegs doesn't just blurt out that he's in love with MeowMeow, or show obvious signs of it such as, "He looked away with a heavy blush across his face." or "With his head hanging low, he murmured, so soft it was almost as if he was talking to himself..." because that'd just take away the hype I have for the story. D: Yes, I do look forward to the next chapter!
Regarding that, don't forget to outline the personalities of your characters clearly somewhere else first. It gives you a guideline for yourself so that your characters don't become 2-D characters (technically I know they are, but what I mean is 'flat and boring' support roles only xD). People sometimes, without planning, create character cast in which everyone is pretty much with the same persona - at the end of the story, it leaves a bland taste in my mouth. Like I just had lukewarm coffee, you know? I'm not sure how other readers feel, that's just my two cents.
Usually, I jot down things like this:-
Name: (First Name) (Last Name)
Birthday: (If necessary or usable information.)
Background: (... background of the character, herp derp.)
Special Features: (If any, caused by history, etc.)
Initial Personality: (How this character was in the beginning of the story.)
Relationship(s): (Family, childhood friends, teammates, colleagues, neighbours, enemies, sparring rivals, etc.)
Final Personality: (After growth. Meaning, how you want this character to be influenced as the story progress.)
Keep writing! I'll support you as a regular anonymous reviewer for now. :)
| Sanara Shiruko 1/23/12 . chapter 1
cool story my friend. Wonder if you continue this.