|Reviews for Monument|
| kinoko 9/29/11 . chapter 1
Plot's kinda interesting. Will it be going into flashbacks? Can't say I read the whole thing but I thought to leave a critical review to help your writing:
I think you should consider adding more descriptive elements to your writing like the setting or the appearance of the characters. And putting more effort in your descriptions - for instance, in the beginning you repeatedly said "Amelia cried" but you could have shown her anguish better by being more descriptive, like adding that "She slammed her door, jumped on her bed and wrapped her pillow against her head to block out the sound of her wails." Or, making her think about the things her parents used to do for her - or trying not to think of such things. Like, "She gazed at the picture frame on her end table, her parents' warm smiles distorted because of the tears in her eyes. She quickly turned the picture frame upside down." I guess what I'm saying is that your writing is too simplistic and does not evoke a lot of emotion for a girl dealing with her parents' death. There is a huge difference to simply saying "Mrs. A was sad" VS describing her actions as a result of her sadness.
Also, you're another victim of the most common mistake I come across on so I always ensure to tell people this when I see it.
For example: "I'm not hungry." She growled back.
Should be: "I'm not hungry," she growled back.
This would only be in instances when the sentence following the dialogue relates directly to it (ie when using verbs like said, talked, confirmed, demanded, hissed).
Hope this helps.
| Sam 9/28/11 . chapter 1
I loved this, but I feel it needs to be continued. After all you just got to Arthur toward the end and I want to find out what happens next! Also, I was wondering how old Arthur is. Hoping for more.
| Teitan-Tantei 9/28/11 . chapter 1
Awww i love this fic you should continue! Btw how old would Arthur be anyway? He sounds like hes about 60