  Alita
2002-08-21 . chapter 1 Okay... this is the third time I've submitted a review... this one better SHOW!
Chapter 1
May I remind you, Starwriter, that Winky worked for the Crouches and not the Malfoys. There is no evidence that Dobby, who was the house elf who worked for the Malfoys, knew of any secret chamber. I somehow doubt that Veritaserum would work on a house elf anyway. They have a different genetic make up, and I firmly believe that Muggle chemistry and Wizard potions are tied. Also, a negative is what a photo is developed from, and though they are tiny, you can still tell what is on them. If the film has been EXPOSED, on the other hand, that means that the photgraph will be blank. Also, you tend to forget spaces, and what would be punctuation makr tend to turn out as very odd symbols. And you need to check the spelling of the spells and potions: Its Alohomora, not Alohomara. Veritaserum(verita, think of it as 'verify'(to prove the truth), and serum, a thin watery fluid), not Verisiterum. Another thing, Snape hates Harry, and therefor hates Ron, who is a Weasley, so WHY would he tell Aruthur ANYTHING about an Amulet of Darkness?
Chapter 2
There is no proff that Draco has ever practiced the Dark Arts, and they can't send him off to Azkaban without a trial. Lucius may very well be the only one in the family who practices the Dark Arts. And how on earth would Dracom 'cut' Harry? Does he have some sort of sword? How can he 'slash gracefully across the sky?'
Chapter 3
Okay. Yea. Whatever. Draco not caring about the state of his hair? Can we say OUT OF CHARACTER?! Anyway, Draco's hair is not golden, its platinum. And since he never actually sat down next to the tree, he would have slumped over and fallen forward, therby waking him up again. Ginny HAS met Draco face to face, he laughed at her Valentine to Harry in CoS, and he has harassed both her and Ron several times. He was also there when Lucius and Arthur started to fight in the book shop. Therefor she would have recognized him.
Chapter 4
WHERES RON?! AND HARRY?! AND HERMIONE?! All three of thm would have recognized Draco, and I think Mrs. Weasley would have as well! The Malfoys were one of the most prominent families in the Wizarding community, and I'm sure they'd be leading a search for Draco, with his photo on the front cover of the newspaper! You've already said Hermione was there, and Hermione hates Quidditch and probablybe INSIDE reading! And Ginny hates the Mlafoys, shes been raised to hate them. Its toatally out of character for her to automatically want him for a boyfriend.
...
I'm going to stop reading now.
This is all meant as constructive criticism. This is not a flame. I'm sorry if you've been offended.
Alita |
SomeoneWhoThinksYouShouldCorrectTheMistakesInYourFanfic
2002-08-05 . chapter 1 Do not take this as a flame, maybe building critisism. Okay, where should I start:
1) It's spelled "Veritaserum", I think you should correct it.
2) Look at this:" ¡¥No¡¦ he thought, ¡¥there"
CHECK YOUR SPELLING BEFORE YOU POST IT!!!
Your fic was pretty confusing, and there wasn't really any depht, nor athmosphere. Your category was "drama/romance" but it looks like "humor/romance" or perhaps "parody"? And no, I have not read any further. Remember: the first impression is always very important. It is either a good or a bad impression,maybe non at all. As you can guess, mine was unfortunately bad... |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
