|Reviews for Darker Than Black: Generation New|
| Heather 2/10/13 . chapter 18
| AJ Sawyer 1/25/13 . chapter 18
I read the entire story and I must to say that I'm... amazed! You caught DTB's write style very well! You also have a very interesting plot! The OC chapters that you created ( like Hizumi and Megumi ) are awesome and very well described!
Update soon as you can :)
| Aerysa 1/1/13 . chapter 18
Whaaat!? Why did I not expect that? I totally should have... Well, I thought Hizumi was related to Hei somehow, but definitely didn't think that he didn't really die... Man, this just gets better and better :D
But I'm still kind of confused why his power didn't work on Hizumi... It didn't work because he already used it on Hei?
And then... Onto the uh, mean stuff... hehe. There's a lot this time too...
As on queue, the buzzed-cut man highlighted in blue with his eyes burning red. - As on 'cue'... 'queue' is the term used for waiting in line for something.
Before she new it, a group of people, including Shoji and Sakura, walked up to her desk with a cake and a twenty-six candles on it. - Before she 'knew' it...
"You stay here incase there's another spotting," said Megumi. - You stay here 'in case'...
"Don't think so, Section-Chief!" yelled Hayate. "He goes too! He can help cover Shoji's back." - If they're back at work in their office, it's strange for Hayate to be giving out extra orders. He would have left after giving out orders for everyone to resume their work.
Hachi growled that he had to sit in the back while Shoji unsettlingly sat in the passenger seat, as though something was bugging him. - the sentence has awkward wording. the "unsettlingly sat" part
"Guns at the ready. Just incase." - Just 'in case'.
To their effort, there was no sign of him. - 'Despite' their effort... Sounds better.
Megumi's first thoughts that came to her mind was Shoji, having her heart beating heavily with concern, or was it Adrenaline pumping through her veins. - no need to capitalize 'adrenaline'
Megumi achingly walked over to Shoji, dropped to her knees beside him, and shoved him while shouting, "Shoji!" still unable to hear. - For Megumi to abuse an injured person like that is weird since the first thing you should do when someone is down is not move them... So for her to 'shove him'... Doesn't make sense.
Hachi ran over, kneeled next to her and said something, making her read his lips. - Awkward sentence when you try to squish two into one. Something like...
"Hachi ran over, kneeled next to her and said something which she couldn't hear. As a result, she was forced to read his lips."
She didn't want to move him incase he had a broken vertebra, but what if he had internal bleeding? - move him 'in case'... (She knows not to move him now, but shoves him earlier? Lol.)
She looked up, as he said, "An Ambulance is on its way!" - no need to capitalize 'ambulance'
As she did, she could feel it pounding as fast as hers, and it seemed to be on par as well. - and it seemed to be 'in sync with hers' sounds better.
Feeling squeamish, or sick from a rumbled up cake from the explosion, Megumi nodded and pulled her hand away from his. - awkward sentence since the 'rumbled up cake from the explosion' doesn't make sense
She gasped as it came swarming into her brain like a damn opening its floodgates. - her brain like a 'dam'... 'damn' as you used it is the curse term.
"Don't you want to look cute for other thirteen year old boys?" - omit 'other' since it implies that she is also a thirteen year old boy.
"You want Onesan to get you candy. What do you want?" - want 'oneesan' ...
She looked at him, seeing he wore a business suit with a tie, glasses, and had a buzz cut that seemed to be reseeding. - seemed to be 'receding'.
Megumi continued staring at the man she knew was from her dream. - if her memories came back to her, it should be from her 'memory'.
Because of the sheer torque, Megumi braced herself against it while Shoji's body sank into the back seat and his cheekbones felt as though a ton of weight were pressing on them. - a ton of weight 'was'...
Misaki swiftly shifted gears, only having a slight moment of lost speed, and then such acceleration Shoji couldn't grasp. - everything after 'and...' doesn't make sense
Megumi had forgotten the shear power the Porsche gave off, and knew there were sports cars that were ten times faster. - forgotten the 'sheer'...
Technically, the payment a Contractor has to pay for falls onto the person he saves. There's two parts to it. - double use of 'pay' (payment, then pay)... could use 'remuneration' or 'obeisance' instead.
The tire blew out, making the driver lose control, and then flipped over four times, spewing out metal parts, glasses, and other things, before coming to a rest on its wheels one hundred yards later. - one hundred yards 'away'. 'later' is terminology associated with time, not distance.
Once they were out of ear range, Chaplin said, "Fools! They have no idea what's coming." - out of 'hearing distance'... 'ear range' just sounds strange
At half passed eleven, Chaplin and Charlie parted ways. - half 'past' eleven...
She still displeased I left her. - She's still displeased...
Misaki gasped as her eyes fell upon Hei's. - fell upon 'Hei'.
Her heart began to race faster than the Fast Five, and her stomach became tide up in knots. - her stomach became 'tied' up...
- Oh, and an overall comment, but you should try to incorporate 'more' into the story in terms of description. A lot of stuff just happens so quickly, there's no time to envision what the scene looks like.
For example, where Hayate disrupts the birthday celebration. He just comes in, snatches a piece of cake and gobbles it all down; all within one sentence. And then he's ordering people back to work.
| Dear4Life 12/28/12 . chapter 18
Now that the cat is out of the bag, I can write what I've said from the beginning... "Hei isn't that OLD, he's only in his fifties!"
Anyway, you know I always knew, so, it's finally great to see it out in the open.
Great story. The Contractor's ability and payment is a genius, original idea. You truly have a great gift for plots and this is a fantastic story, just like SBR and Past Disaster. Don't let anyway, who probably didn't make it through the first paragraph, tell you otherwise.
Keep up the awesome work! :)
| Dawn Phantom 12/26/12 . chapter 18
your book is crap!
| Ash hyseu 12/26/12 . chapter 1
I didint like it at all because of the stupid names
| Flicker-j.sH 12/25/12 . chapter 1
Great story, kept me very entertained, had some great writing in it, and was a big step above a lot of stories on fanfiction. Now i will criticize it :( this is all solely my opinion, im sorry if i offend.
You need to work on the contractors a little bit. I understand, they are not a big part of the story, as the only surviving one is Hei really, and his powers were very clearly described in the anime. But still, even the brief contractors need a little bit more imagination. In the anime, they all had very different powers, many that at first glance were not all that useful. November could only freeze water, but he used that power EXTREMELY creatively. LIkewise, there was one man who could stop breezing, and a woman who could stop the heart with matching the frequency. In your story however, almost every dude has a "Glow, make person's organs malfunction." the heartattack guy, the head squisher girls. These are great powers, but they must have hit the superpower lottery to get them with such a small payment. I would like to see some freaky creative powers used in creative ways, (Mika with his hand bombs, grabbing stones and throwing them like grenades) someone acceleration matter and using objects like bullets, controlling rapid plant growth to send wood spikes or strangle vines, using extreme temperature displacement to boil/freeze targets, or heat then cool substances rapidly to fragment them into pieces. It would also be awesome to have more quirky payments, like ones that go with a power (April-uses water-drinks booze) or even quirky things, (Guy rearranges matter, has to rearrange small stones then sweep them away) are good examples from the movie. it seems that most payments are physical AND only last to certain point.
There that is all my negativity, all simply my opinion, now there are some fantastic points to this story,
Using Amber PURE GENIUS At first i was like"CRAZY SHE"S DEATH, or unborn, HOW CAN AMBER BE THERE WHAT IS THIS AUTHOR SMOKING!?" Then, my brain actually started working, some smoke came out of my ears and i realized, OF COURSE Amber had been time jumping into the future, to she would no doubt appear at weird times, and keeping her there would have prevented her from going back in time and helping Hei!
THAT WAS GENIUS
MAN COMPLETELY AWESOME
I also like the young guy, who you instantly think is a young Hei, the robin to the electric batman.
BUUUUUT NOOOOOO, bang he's dead. You blew my mind again, as it seemed so positive that you were giving MisakixHei another symbolic shot in the next generation, but no, that young guy was a minor character, it turned out that Old Hei was in fact dressed up as an even OLDER Hei so he could move around easier. I am interested how the Jackel defeated Hei, and more about the contractor that sucks energy, mostly what his payment is for this power.
Well written story, ive followed it and hope to read more, PUT SOME MORE AWESOME CONTRACTORS IN! I would love to through a bunch of random ones out if you are writer blocked on them! just pm me.
Best of Luck, Josh
| tityuio 12/24/12 . chapter 18
Wow!That was very interesting chapter!Update soon!
| Destinies Entwined 12/24/12 . chapter 18
WHat a Wonderful Christmas present! Hei & Hizumi...O.O It's Like CHinese Electric Batman & Robin! LOL Yusssh! Of course, in comes Mao to ruin the moment. Those gals and their mysterious blue-eyed boys. Loved the tension and reveal of Danko and his relation to Charlie. Megumi has a whole different perspective on her late father now, eh?
Merry Christmas to you, my friend! It's currently snowing (lightly)here in New England. White Christmas, indeed! Wish you, your sis, and the rest of your loved ones, love, light and peace. HUGS!
| DarkerThanEvanescence 12/24/12 . chapter 18
Woah, did not see that coming. I knew Hei and Hizumi were related somehow... Can't wait to see how this all relates. I have some ideas, but I wouldn't bet any money on them.
| Aerysa 12/17/12 . chapter 17
Oh my gooosh! It just gets better and better! Super excited! I can't wait to see what happens next :D
Oooh Misaki... Didn't think she had it in her to go after another man. And somehow I still can't imagine how she got together with Charlie in the first place... Lol.
In the vicinity of Yokohama, Kirihara Misaki and her partner, Hamaguchi Ruki, who she had been teamed up for three years, - ... teamed up 'with' for three years
He was her height, had dark, short messy black hair, and wore blue jeans and a white button shirt with two undone. - nothing really wrong here, but the 'two undone' seems empty information when you don't specify which ones. Top two? Bottom two? Two at random? XD
"Well, my guess is a heart attack since I see no wounds and he seems to be clinching the left portion of his chest. - seems to be 'clenching' the left portion...
"No force entry, so the victim knew him, - No 'forced' entry,...
Me? I didn't teacher her that manner! - I didn't 'teach' her...
Friends and family members gave their final respect to his closes family. - to his 'closest' family.
Megumi pushed as hard as she could on the lever, but it felt like a tortes and hare match. - felt like a 'tortoise'... 'tortes' is like a fruit tart. Lol.
Although, as she recalled the western fairytale, the tortes won, but she didn't think this was going to happen for her. - the 'tortoise' won...
She gave credit to her for trying, but without the lack of power and talent, there was no way she would have been able to keep up with her. - but 'with' the lack of...
He had gained weight and had a full gray of hair. - had a full 'head' of gray...?
He took a style and wrote down his name on it. - took a 'stylus'...?
She sat on the top roof of the police department late at night, staring up at the empty slot where BK201's star use to shine. - 'roof' is typically the top of a building...
Misaki nodded while perking her cheeks - 'perking'?
It would be like an ant trying to keep up with a Cheetah. - no need to capitalize cheetah
It was spacious with a couch in the center under a chandler - under a 'chandelier'?
| Dear4Life 12/16/12 . chapter 17
You did a great job with Misaki's past love. He dresses and looks a lot like Li ;)
It's also good to have a little more information about Megumi and her family.
Keep up the amazing work!
| Destinies Entwined 12/12/12 . chapter 17
"Misaki believed if the man who went by the code name Hei were still alive, she would still be with Madam Oreille and wouldn't have met Charlie in which Megumi wouldn't have been born. If it weren't for Charlie, she would have named her Riku. The name sounded so much like Li-kun."
Hehe...thus my comment in the review for ch16. I'm pretty sure I'm following, now. But then again you said there's no pairing, which *IS* just like DTB. *shrugs* poor Misaki...two kids and neither of them are Riku. XP
Still, I have to say that this story's been a mind-boggler. great work, as always!
| Destinies Entwined 12/12/12 . chapter 16
"There's one (alternate time) that BK201 didn't hide Heaven's Gate, and oh yeah, another one where you don't exist since your father and mother never met."
Whhhaaaat? Because Hei and Misaki were the ones...*cough*SBR*cough* _
I am feeling pretty good about this hypothesis of mine, maybe not dead on, but I am on to something about Hei...and his "doppelgangers" we'll say. But I am excited to see how it all works out!
| Destinies Entwined 12/11/12 . chapter 15
Wait, whaaaat? there are like 3 different, maybe 4, "Hei's" of various ages walking around. Which ever one is in his late forties (the one who helped Yin?) would be the real one, but then who are the others? WTF?
Ok, It's been just over 5 hours. I will save the last two chapters for later today. This I great Mike. Faved and Followed! HUGS!