|Reviews for The Zen Master Meets Poor Little Rich Girl|
| traversing 3/3/12 . chapter 1
Ahaha. This is funny. A little OOC, but I really like it.(:
| Katiex51 1/5/12 . chapter 1
So far, this is every Jackie and Hyde story ever written in the history of time. The path of 'Hyde slowly discovers that he and Jackie are more similar than he thought, and he falls in love with her' was done, many times over, on both the show and on this site. You've got to have something new and interesting to add onto that if you want anyone worthwhile to read it, and your first chapter is not promising in that regard.
Almost as importantly, you have a completely screwy understanding of these characters. What, in the canon of the show, makes you believe that Hyde would sit down and spill out his life story to someone he's just met and does not particularly like? 'Zen', remember? Yes, eventually he finds he can open up to Jackie and is pleasantly surprised by her, but you've got to slowly work up to that moment, not chuck it at us ten paragraphs in.
Your grammar is atrocious in this piece, as well. A semi-colon is used to separate two complete sentences. Sometimes there are words that sound the same, but they are spelled differently and have separate meanings – ‘past’ and ‘passed’, for instance. You are far too wordy with certain phrases (‘less better off than me’, ‘my afro head of hair,’ many more) and that detracts from my overall reading of your story. There are run-on sentences. Honestly, a beta would help you here.
Tips for improvement:
-Get a beta. Please.
-Spend more time with the T70’s characters, either by familiarizing yourself with the series or spending time reading some of the better fan fiction on this site
-Spend some time developing your ideas so that they are unique, enthralling to a reader, and of importance in some way
| santsi 11/14/11 . chapter 1
I really like this little exchange. It's very well written and gives an unseen look into Jackie and Hyde's evolution into their odd friendship, pre-relationship. It also stayed pretty true to the show. Thanks for writing! :)
| Double-A-B 11/6/11 . chapter 1
I think you should continue this. This is a great introduction, and has the potential of being an even greater story. Please continue if you can!
| SarahBear22 10/30/11 . chapter 1
Aw this was really good!