Hint for proofreading. Read things backwards, from the end up. That helps a lot.

Nice enough story. Ryouga's honor was one of convenience. At least that's how it appeared to me in the manga.

Again, I have to ask if you're alive or dead as it's been quite a while for your stories.

Chapter 2- The Second Step –

futon, that was set up for him last night, putting

[The interjective (segment within commas) looks superfluous to me]

"I doubt the Old Ghoul would since you are male after all."

[By this argument, he wouldn’t have been taught Hidden Weapons either, but obviously that’s not true]

"Shampoo no want stay in horrible country anymore!"

[She’s certainly not endeared to Japan, but unless she’s just in a bad mood I haven’t seen any canon implication that she highly dislikes Japan. I’m pretty sure that would’ve bled through somewhere if it was the case, hence why this doesn't seem to ring true]

Since coming back

[Missing any form of punctuation to separate the dialog from unspoken narrative text]

"So what can I take caused your sudden

[I’m not sure, but I think ‘I take’ is an interjection (and an unneeded one, at that)]

"It was only really fun watching you two when Ranma was around,

[Why? Nothing about the Shampoo-Mousse interaction should’ve changed]

a special ramien

[ ramien?

but knew that would do little to stop a master of Hidden Weapon's

[1: Weapons, 2: Cologne has, as of all points I can think of from canon, been able to preempt and out-do/out-maneuver Mousse even if Hidden Weapons isn’t her area of specialty. I doubt that she wouldn’t be able to keep him out of something she didn’t want him in]

in it's making."

[its]

it's was something

[it]

delusion himself

[delude]

"Mousse is bad!

[With Cologne’s explanation, shouldn’t Shampoo be standing back either neutrally or smirking at him now that he’s caught in his own stupidity again?]

They treated men worse then how the Japanese treat women and the men put up with it...

[And yet they have laws to marry outsiders…that doesn’t jive with this theorized element of their culture]

No woman in the Village would accept a man with those values unless they knew they could break him of his opinions, another reason the old ghoul would never get Ranma.

[If this was true, Cologne would have been far more brutal in the Phoenix Pill arc and even if she threw in the towel then she’d have come back exactly the same way again and again. Obviously she didn’t, and this pretty clearly says to me that males are not necessitated to be submissive and/or weak-willed. It’s possible that they are (a few other authors have suspected that many are and Ranma not being like that is just another thing that attracted her to him), but I wouldn’t think so]

“If it isn’t a good morning when it starts you have to try to make it one.

[That’s easy to say when you’re not being held down by the world]

“What do you what

[want]

and be thankful that he chose not to defend himself against your attack.”

[That sounds like more of a threat than I think Kasumi would use]

Soun didn’t hide the smile this time.

[I understand his confrontational behavior, but not the smiles. Wouldn’t he be overly protective, like he often is with Kasumi and Akane?]

We are, aren’t we.”

[I know that he’d be certain of the answer, but even if this is relatively facetious, would it still be interrogative (which would require a question mark)?]

“Cologne came to inform me that Kasumi would not be welcome in the village as she gave the wrong image for young Amazon warriors,”

[Ah, so that’s how you’re sweeping the rest of the amazons under the rug. It’s a pity, Ranma and Mousse indeed seem to have grown up, but the rest of the cast is being held in regression. Maybe this story should be renamed ‘Only Ranma and Mousse grow up’?]

couple of lit dots

[little?]

Poppa? Blush asked

[Again, there’s no punctuation to indicate the Mandarin is anything other than unspoken narrative. This problem happens frequently]

your are doing

[you]

I doubt she would be happy if it was a boy

[Are we done with character bashing yet? I’m guessing no, which is further disappointing]

to marry it

[_him_, people have gender]

“I’m going to have a bigger ‘little’ brother... or sister.”

[ The children of your (step)aunt would be a cousin]

always pass a girls,”

[as]

"It would be safer if he never showed his face again."

[I have a suspicion that this is going to get into more character bashing in the future, though since the story doesn’t show enough strong/consistent characterization to encourage me to continue I wouldn’t know either way]

Even more inconsistency in characterization, some characters advancing (which is delightful to see, and the explanation with Mousse was sensible for the Ranmaverse), but you had a _lot_ of characters significantly regress, with Shampoo and Cologne in particular becoming not just flat but one-dimensional characters that seemed to exist only to help you push Mousse at Kasumi. The idea had hope, but the fact that you focused on only a few characters and left the others badly neglected (becoming OOC) did far more harm than the interest can surpass.

Chapter One: - The First Step -

see you graduates,

[graduate]

how quick he responded,

[quickly]

do I."

[I know it’s sarcastic, but an interrogative still needs a question mark]

Both young girls stuck themselves out from behind the red head and

nodded energetically, [It's the reason Poppa is a full Amazon warrior

of our tribe!]

[I guessed it was Ranma as soon as the glass upended, but now I’m just confused. How much time has passed? All we have for setting is ‘Hong Kong’]

I did not want to be on his bad side if he had found a taste for it," Genma replied

[I want to argue this line: Genma’s been boneheaded repeatedly, but I believe he trusts Ranma more than this]

silky darling here

[darlings?]

so came back

[_he_ came?]

has not come

[_he_ has not

table three time

[times]

"I have already married," Ranma finished for her again with a smirk with caused everyone to gasp at that table.

[Although one might be inclined to think that this is an interesting development, I fear it’s going to burn like the Hindenburg before the story is out]

"Actually I'm an Amazon sister," Ranma corrected with nasty smirk. "And I'm currently listed as their mother

[But Ranma is known to be a true man (whatever his curse form), so this is an erroneous statement. I hope you’re not going to be relying on this, because it’s looking like a really quick way of kicking Shampoo out of the picture (maybe also Akane, with Ukyo being brushed off as she is in many fanfics)]

anywhere I want too."

[I want to?]

in it's colour array.

[its]

girls seem eggar

[seemed eager]

She also said that you have asked for sisterhood in our tribe, and that you may get it because of your curse,

[And yet the law applies to the true form of the person and not the curse form…]

I was born a man, I was raised to be a *man among men*.

[Now this is the Ranma I know from canon. What happened to him above, almost seeming to prefer his female curse form?]

"They were worried of starting a war with the Joketsuzoku tribe,

[I suppose the political phrase ‘marriage of convenience’ wasn’t known to these people or author]

and I have even defeated her a couple of times.

[This is outright untrue: Ranma’s fought her to a draw once that I can think of (the end of the Phoenix Pill arc), but he has never _won_ against her]

and I don't want Shampoo trying to hurt her anymore

[What ‘anymore’? If Shampoo actually wanted to kill Akane, then the youngest Tendo would not be breathing. Shampoo’s been shown numerous times in canon to be more than capable of physically overpowering Akane. If this was an argument about _Ranma_ not wanting to hurt Akane, then that would make sense and be likely, but trying to make it about Shampoo just adds a weak way of pushing the amazon out of the picture. You obviously dislike Shampoo, and while character-bashing hasn’t happened neither are you portraying her in anything like a sympathetic light (I know it’s a common tactic for fanfic authors who hate a character to have a different character badmouth the disliked one), while Ranma is mysteriously taken in by a sister amazon tribe for free…for how many months?]

too use to Cologne,

[used, and it looks like a full stop (period) would better fit that sentence end than the comma which doesn’t lead into anything as there’s no dialog descriptors for it to attach to the later dialog]

When I pass you

[pass _on_ I believe is how the phrase typically goes]

I just ask you take my daughters with you.

[Well, at least that exchange is understandable, but that doesn’t mean the airframe…er, story’s safe yet]

does she have left,"

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

Now she has to try to win your heart like any other girl has to."

[Though you’ve made it abundantly clear you’re going to be kicking all of the non-Akane fiancées to the curb, and she doesn’t have a chance, I’d have thought that you’d have Cologne recognize that here]

she had wanted too

[wanted _to_]

"I have break a promise,"

[broken]

the two have become very good friends,"

[Sounds reasonable, as the two got along whenever Ranma wasn’t in the picture]

you would never kill for us."

[I’m not sure whether that’s praise or a barb, although I suppose that’s fitting given the story]

"Why don't you listen to him, I'm sure he'll explain."

[He _did_ explain. If Akane wasn’t mature enough to listen, trust, or at least ask for clarification, is she really mature enough to marry Ranma?]

control him blasted mouth

[his]

"No, but you probably jumped at the chance to get another fiance!"

[Akane’s looking exactly like the child she was when the series opened. If you were going to have Ranma grow up, what about Akane?]

"Tonic only married me to help me become an Amazon sister!

[‘honorary amazon’ would fit better than ‘amazon sister’, since the latter is untrue]

"Don't you fill both those rolls already?"

[I’m not sure if that’s an insult or a stupid question]

"As far a the village

[as the]

is concerned I became their Mother

[Invalid: Ranma’s not truly a girl, so he’s not going to be legally recognized a girl. That’s the repeated implication from the amazons and general ‘more aware of magic’ cultures]

with an engagement almost as valid as mine.

[More, actually, due to the exchange of the dowry. Otherwise both are without written authority or legal witnesses]

want to hear that Baka's name again!"

[Unnecessary Japanese]

"I'm real happy you came back, Ranma, but I don't know how to handle the other things you came back with. I need time figure things out,"

[Surprisingly mature of her, as up until this statement she’s been acting almost exactly like the static character she was all the way through canon]

"Nabiki had them charged with assault, having video taped the entire thing as evidence, and sued them for damages. The Kuno estate was part of the settlement."

[And the next characters to be ‘conveniently ignored’ are swept under the rug. But mostly just ‘convenient’ at a point I can’t put in suspense of disbelief]

"And Nabiki gave me and Mousse the estate as a wedding gift,"

[That’s a lot of money for Nabiki to give away, as she never showed such an inclination in canon, though the only examples that come to mind are Akane being in trouble, there’s no times where it’s been Kasumi but I doubt it would be different]

Nabiki has paid for construction

[Oh, and that’s not convenient at all]

So tell about their progress

[tell _me_?]

You have three men and Poppa out there to do cooking."

[Yes, _that’s_ not sexist /sarcasm]

"Grandmother said that Amazon Warriors don't need to know how to cook,"

[That doesn’t make sense – it’s implied that both Ranma and Genma cooked while on their 14 year training trip, even if Ranma didn’t do much more at the time than fish]

The biggest one I know I'll get is Kasumi and Mousse.

[They’ll certainly need _some_ explanation]

Although you’ve got a lot of interesting details, there are at least an equal number of characterization flaws and contrivances (not the least of which the Tendos acquiring the Kuno estate). I guessed from the start that you’d be brushing characters under the rug, and instead of tackling the difficult challenges like Shampoo or the Kunos you just sidestepped the issue (which I found extremely disappointing, as you could have effectively dealt with them but instead took what I felt was a rather cheap route, but if you’d faced those challenges this would have looked to be a very good story). Although, I am glad that at least you didn’t throw Shampoo and Mousse together – too many fanfic writers do that to get Shampoo out of the way so Akane can marry Ranma, treating Mousse (or Shampoo) as a cheap consolation prize.

Nicely done and yet great way to resolve Ranma's problems. Haven't seen nabiki so we'll see how that goes and I wanna see Nodoka's story on getting preggers.

dennisud

That wasn't nice what you did to Ryoga. He really wouldn't go that far, maybe if he were under a spell, but to say that he'd of done it anyway, given time, not too cool man, not too cool at all.

This is awesome. I am mad at Ryoga though. Things in Nerima are never easy, are they?

ah damm. I god written story and it looks so promising, but no it has to be to make a turn about and be a Akane match up. I would not read this anymore, but please keep writting as is a god story and others sure enjoy the main romance setup from the manga/anime.

Actually, Ranma does wear a school uniform in the later Manga (Volume 18 and later) albeit one with chinese style detailing.

I loved it so far and I'm only just finished reading the first Chappie keep up the good work.

Sincerely,

SS4_LINK

Random Quote

"I wish that you would just leave…"

Too bad for Ukyo, she always was too obsessive for her own good,though still cheerful. I hope that Ranma and Akane will be able to make things work out for each other, and if Ryoga does show up, then I hope that Ranma hurts him, bad.

I think it was really cruel what Ryouga did to that passing boy who simply asked for directions. And I would think it would be sheer irony that he could be the one to bring about Ryouga's downfall. Just give him a gun, Ryouga isn't fast enough to dodge and despite all of his vaulted toughness I doubt it will stop a bullet.

awesome chappi

GREAT CHAPTER!

good story so far. I'll be back when you write another chapter. Sleepy now...

Great start.