|Reviews for High School Debut To the Extreme!|
| Fruitlessberry 5/4/12 . chapter 7
Okay... I thought Yoh was scared of Tsukumi so why is he that gentle? And once I read : "Tsukumi blushed at his touch. She even started to shake again and he looked up at her deep red face. "Got another fever?" He sneered[...]" I could only think that the 'sneer' ruined everything. I mean why would he sneer? Use 'grinned' or 'teased' instead of 'sneered'. And I don't think you should use : *sigh*. Example: " [..] her being close to Hitaki... my brother... *sigh*[..]" Just write : 'A sigh escaped my lips'or 'I sighed'.
Ps: Again no offence
| Fruitlessberry 5/4/12 . chapter 6
First of all there is too much distance between each sentence. And what do you mean with : "During my years of trumization[..]" What is trumization ?_? I also don't think you should use 'and' that often. Example : "[..]I took out my skateboard, and took the key out of the ingition and walked through the[..]" Btw you also should not use 'took' that often. Just make a few short sentences and the problem is solved. Hmm... I think Yoh is OOC (Out of character) but who knows? xD
Ps: Again no offence. I just want to help.
| Fruitlessberry 5/4/12 . chapter 5
This chapter was weird. He kisses her, she blushes and then punches him? And why is he still smiling after the punch? " I socked him a good one. Hitaki moved out of my way and smiled his crooked smile[..]" Do you mean that he has dodged her punch or what? Because there is no way someone would smile after a punch. And if he was punched you should describe the damage on his face, like this: 'Tears gathered in his eyes as he held his bleeding nose'. And as always write in paragraphs.
Ps: I mean no offence, I just want to help you a bit. (even though I'm from Germany and have trouble writing in englishP)
| Fruitlessberry 5/4/12 . chapter 4
Why is Yoh scared of her? I can't imagine him scared...okay I can but..I don't want to read about it in the fourth chapter. And Yoh scared of a girl? Never. (No offence)Aside from that, I think you are doing great ;D You inspired me to write a Yoh x Oc so please don't stop writing.
Ps; You should get a Beta- Reader to read your story and correct the mistakes ;D
| Fruitlessberry 5/4/12 . chapter 3
She looks tough but is easily flustered by him? Why ? D: Btw you should really make more paragraphs.
| Fruitlessberry 5/4/12 . chapter 1
This is really hard to read. Please put distances between each sentences. Other than that, I don't see a problem.
| ilovemesomeslash 5/1/12 . chapter 12
Wow. Blowing up my email again!
| Disco Beat That's Disco Baby 4/11/12 . chapter 12
This was an okay chapter... make it longer next time and such.
| HD Lover 1/19/12 . chapter 7
Awesome story. Try not to make Makoto into your OC too and please update more and do not keep readers waiting. Also I liked this chapter. Explain her past more too. Finally we are getting into the story too!
| fatso-jirobo-fangirl 11/26/11 . chapter 5
oooooo! Hitaki sounds sexy! plz post pics of your ocs
| SakuSasuLove 11/26/11 . chapter 4
Makoto is too ooc but it's great and i love the Drama
| hehTobi'sFollower 11/26/11 . chapter 1
nice chap.. but the falshback is hard to understand because we need more info on your oc nd her family.
| DeidaraGoesOooh 11/20/11 . chapter 4
Ok... This chapter was fine its just it could be longer and i noticed the amount of spelling errors so u should fixx da and about the songs... Are they going to be featured in every single chpater?
| RacyInoXSakuraz 11/20/11 . chapter 3
Okkzz nice chappterz so far
I. Confused... Is asa to be tsukumi's sister and hitaki your oc to be yoh's brother ?