|Reviews for Things Left Behind|
| DC20 1/1/13 . chapter 13
First off, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you on this.
This is definitely the best story I've seen written up in this section for a long while, both for the story and the way the characters are handled. There's a lot of thought put into it, and it's refreshing to see a story look deeper into the world and characters of the game and build something new off of it. Little remarks about characters, such as Alex finding the papers they needed by noticing they were the only ones without dust, or Freesia being pinned as a dancer by another character because of her balance tell us quite a bit about them without falling back on simply stating they have such and such potentials. I dig it.
You noted some concern about combat scenes. I don't think you need to worry. They do jump around a lot, but there's nothing wrong with that. Your section breaks keep things easy to follow, and as long as you keep separating the different mini-sections it's easy to follow which characters are doing what. The combat scenes you have are interesting as well, and actually feel dangerous. That's a big plus.
I like the mystery of the story as well. You've been keeping a good sense of suspense up. I'm trying to imagine how the characters are going to get out of the mess they're in, and I'm having a very hard time seeing them having much success. That's my kind of story.
Keep up the awesome work. Like I said, it's great to see a well written, interesting story here in this section. I'm very excited to see more.
| GoldMotel 3/3/12 . chapter 7
Great chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next! :)
| DC20 12/5/11 . chapter 3
Great update. I'm really glad to see that the unknown force in the town turned out to be who it is - it'll give us a look into something that was never really touched on in canon, but is still really important to the backstory of the games. It's a shame that wasn't hit on a little more, but at the same time, it wasn't really that relevant to the story it was trying to tell, and probably would have shifted focus too far away from what the point of the game was. You've got a great opportunity to flesh that out here, though, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it's developed. That said, I doubt they're the real mystery in the town.
I'm liking the interpretations of your characters. It's always great to see similarities between your views on certain characters and the views of other authors within the section. It's also awesome to see the differences as well. There's so much room to interpret with these characters that it's a shame many of them aren't used very often. As I said, Alex is really standing out in this story, as is Oscar.
For my suggestion part of this review, watch special descriptors in speech tags (not sure what the technical term is, but things like "X shouted" "X bellowed" "X [said in certain manner]"). They're fine to use every once in a while. I generally prefer "said" unless absolutely necessary, but that's personal preference. What you want to watch out for are speech tags that either pull a reader out or are just not possible. For example, one line near the beginning - "Tank!" Juno hissed... Try hissing the word tank. You can't. It's physically impossible. Also, overuse of different speech tags runs the risk of becoming noticeable. Things like "said, asked, answered, replied" are invisible. They don't get noticed (in a good way). Fancier ones tend to. They're effective when you want them noticed, but otherwise simpler is often better.
You've got a really cool story idea here, and I'm very excited to see what happens next. Keep this going, it's really awesome to have a story that focuses on the side characters up and running and staying updated. Great job, and I'm looking forward to the next update.
| DC20 11/28/11 . chapter 2
Great to see another story in the section that focuses on the side characters. The main cast is nice, but I already know their stories. When I read in this section, I want to hear about the squad characters. This story looks set to deliver.
Speaking of the side characters, I really like the cast you picked. Freesia is one of my favorites, and I always liked Oscar and Juno. My favorite pick of yours is Alex, though. He's a character I never used, and I hardly ever see him even mentioned in fics. I'm really excited to see what you do with him.
Another cool thing is that the story is a mystery. You've already set up a good tone for that. I don't think there are any other mystery stories in the section, so that certainly distinguishes this one.
The intros to each chapter with the "On the Gallian Front" quotes are awesome. Gives great background, ties back to the meta-story (Irene visiting... somebody), and are fun to read.
Two minor points in the writing tripped me up for a second. The first was the line with Juno saying, "Relax Alex"... I had to stop there, and it took me a while to figure out it wasn't a typo. The line that she is responding to (Alex's) is several quotations back (by separate characters), and in the context of the discussion her "Relax..." seemed more suited as a response to Oscar, who expressed fear in the quote immediately above.
The second minor point is just little pet peeves. "The blonde squad leader" was one. Just seems like an odd way to refer to her. "Juno" is simpler and less awkward. There were also a lot of adjectives/adverbs throughout. I think some could be trimmed without losing anything.
Otherwise the writing was great. Good writing goes a long way in making a good story, and it really shows here. I'm really excited to see how this develops. Keep writing, can't wait to see more!