I have to tell you, I enjoyed reading this quite a bit. You stuck to canon in an admirable manner, and yet branched off enough to make it interesting. This is surprisingly well-written, compared to the majority of fanfiction, and I found it easy to read. However, I did find the occasional (but minor) mistakes jarring; that might just be me, though, maybe I'm pampered from reading almost nothing but highly-edited novels up until recently. I like your main character and her backstory, and find her easy to relate to and sympathetic, though I feel the need to tell you that a few of her qualities got on my nerves. Her perfect witty comebacks, for example. I can understand that her personality requires her to be sarcastic and tough, but can't she have more vulnerable moments? Or respectful ones? I, regrettably, find it hard to believe that Darth Maul would allow her to speak to him in the manner that she does. Other than that, I have no complaints, and look forward to finishing this story and reading the sequel. Magooke, I am happy to inform you that you have a new fan.

That's exactly how I thought of Maul :o

Good chapter! It was a good glimpse into the inner workings of Raven's mind. There were a few problems with tenses and switching from third to first person voice, but other than that, the writing was good. This chapter definitely makes you wonder about Lauren and her parents. And wasn't there mention of a brother in the first chapter? I'd be curious to know what is going through their minds.

Maul seems to have a lot of trouble controlling his emotions, which is not an image of him that I'm accustomed to. Raven is only 13? I had thought she'd be older since she was already working as a mechanic. The story is going well so far. You have set up a self-sacrificing heroine, a strong and cunning villain, and a prideful man who is just a little too intrigued by the inner workings of his new pupil. This should be a fun ride.

Interesting idea. I'm curious to see where you'll take it. On to the next chapter!

Hey guess who it is? ;)

Anyway LOVED IT! Is it just me or is the outfit reminiscent of Winry Rockbell? _

3 3 3

OMG! I really hope Lauren is ok. I can't believe that Raven did that. But I am so happy she chose Light over Dark. Please, please, please write more. I can NOT wait for the next story. You are amazing! Keep up the great work. I enjoy your writing and I'm always on the look out for your next story/chapter.

Thank you

- Traaya!

OMG! Within 4 hours I read this whole story. It is amazing! I can't wait for more. It leaves you sitting on the edge of you seat. Just as you think you can relax, *BAM* something changes.

Please, please, PLEASE keep writing this and continue writing in the future! You story is absolutely amazing, I can't wait!

I can't wait to see what happens. Will Raven kill Obi, or will she save him, and see Lauren tortured? So many questions.

Keep up the work. I will be keeping a look out for the next chapter!

No matter what happens, The Obi-Wan shall live.

Yes I want a sequel!

This is going too be a short, badly spelled reeview because my ipad is almost out of power and 4 somee rreasoon ii have to tturn it off to charrgge.

I confused O positive & o negtive.

Yourr scene w/ Raveen and Lauren was much more believable now, good job.

Bye froom Ayy K.

Soorry,, I HATE it whhen my letterss double up annd i haave tto aabbrreviate, but like i said,, myy ipad is looww on power and it does stuff .like this. Iu'll send a. Better review later!

Did you rewrite this chapter (Ch. 5) yet? Cause it's just Raven's response when she saves Obi-Wan's life is kind of off...

Aawesome job rewriting the other chapters. It felt more like Raven was a person. And I like the flashbacks of her and her sister. Because otherwise it doesn't feel like I care during the time when Lauren says she 's dying. Random girl I've never seen befor, why do I care? OC tearing herself up about it, whatever, the OC I know has suddenly been changed into pure angst over girl-that-I-don't-know, I think it's inconsistent. But NOW I know that Raven actually cares about this girl. Before your only flashback was the beach, and Raven wasn't really sisterly then. If you have to think about whether or not you'll play with your little sister... (Reminds me of a quote: no matter how much of a gangster you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.)

One criticism-don 't make Raven the parents-only-loved-sister-but-OC-still-loves-sister kind of person. Parents usually do not play favorites, and it doesn't make sense to the story and only appears to be in there to allow Wangst. What, so Raven's blood and bone marrow type changes if she becomes a Jedi? She can't make a twenty minute donation if she's a Jedi?

Keep up the good work, Magooke. Thanks for calling me your fan. :D.

By the way, I know that there's a certain blood type that is REALLY hard to find a donor for. I don't think it's O negative though. I'll look it up for you. As I said, I have no life, and looking up blood types is my idea of fun, cause I really like science. I tried to see if there was specific Star Wars blood types once (mainly because when I started nattering about Star Wars, my friend imitated me by saying, 'Yes and I think Anakin's blood is A positive!' 'You know, I should look that up!'). There aren 't. :(

Sorry, forgot to mention that O negative isn't that uncommon. AB negative, however, is the rarest blood type. But AB negative can recieve from any blood type, whereas Os can only recieve from other Os. But O is actually the most common blood type, so many people donate O. It's kind of hard to get a blood type you can't get blood for. Bone marrow is another matter however...

I hope you feel better-yeah, that does make it easier. I'm just kinda a die hard nerdie geek freak and I get obsessive with that stuff.

Thank you for responding and taking it to heart. I don't have a PM. I'm so glad you took it the right way. My mood often affects what I say so sometimes I'm a bit harsh or insensitive.

I like Raven a lot more now. I'll be looking for this when I do my daily SW

fanfiction check (I have no life, so unless I'm on a trip you can expect a review almost immediatly after you post). Thanks again for listening to your reviews.

Whoops. I said I hope you don't think I'm flaming, but my STUPID computer deleted my message before that. So, here it is. But first. I'm mentioning the things I don't like first. Please read this. I've got some compliments, but right now I'm mainly highlighting stuff you need to work on and I think would be in your best interest to read. So please read it.

I really don't like Raven. Mainly because of her sass. Yeah, I get you want to make your character a little more than a shrinking violet. But this is taking it too far. The Sith are a LEGEND where Raven is. She works in a SPEEDER REPAIR place, for Force's sake. She's not going to know anything about Sith, and when she finds herself face to face with an EVIL LEGEND-she spits in his face. Uh, no.

About her personality. I've addressed the 'too much sass' part. Now for the yelling part. Raven seems like a face. Just a blank face, and a name. She's got her sister. Instead of a nice heart touching moment-zip. Nada. Raven wasn't even there. She has almost no personality. The only personality she has is having way too much sass (a factor seen in almost all OCs as the author wants them to be likable and quick-witted when they come across as rather unaware of their surroundings) and yelling. Yelling. Her boss? Yell. Darth Maul, the terrifying Zabrak with yellow eyes that lives in legend? Yell. Sidious? Defience (see above note about being very unaware of surrondings) and yelling. The cutest Padawan? Yelling, but this time she saves his life before she yells. Maybe she doesn't even yell that much, but she has so little other personality that the reasons why I dislike her are her only personality. This changes my dislike into hate. And hate leads to the dark side.

Now for the research. Or rather, lack of it. I know I'm a Star Wars geek. I take pride in it. The name I call myself when I'm commenting, Ayy Kaim, comes from a Star Wars language meaning Dark Star. My Home page is Wookieepedia. I cheered when I found out that my actual name was a planet. I'm a total geek. Being a geek, I LOVE it when people research their stories. It makes me start cheering.

And then there are the times when people can't be bothered. I'm telling you, it's not that hard. If you wanted her to have an accent, you could make her be an Anselmi from Glee Anselm, or maybe she was born on Ryloth or Tatooine. But Chinese is just-well, let me just say I cried in fear and terror. This is a Star Wars story. China does not belong. The Chinese part might have been forgiven if it had meant something to the story. But it didn't. We're just told that she's Chinese because you wanted to give her a weird accent and wanted to make her sister not able to speak English, and you couldn't be bothered to do research.

The planets you've made up. Think. You'll find about twenty Star Wars planets. Type in 'planet' into Wookieepedia search engine. Bang, you've got a million. Alderaan, Skye, Glee Anselm, Dag, Hoth, Pantora, Ryloth-heck, even Stewjon. There's no excuse for whacking the keyboard.

If she was Force sensitive, the Jedi would have found her long ago. She lives in CORUSCANT, the place where the Jedi Temple is LOCATED. they're going to find her. And if you say "she was an orphan, she had no parents to alert the Jedi Temple", well, she keeps pulling stunts like picking up a wrench (there is no such thing as a wrench in Star Wars) with the Force, the Jedi Temple will find her before she turns three. And if she's so powerful Darth Sidious can sense her, the Jedi will too.

Okay, there's a few more complaints, but those were the two main ones. Lack of research, and not enough character development.

NOW FOR THE COMPLIMENTS!

Darth Maul was done pretty well. I don't think he'd ever form attachments, and it's literally impossible for an apprentice to have an apprentice (think your seven year old son having a six year old daughter-the apprentice was the closest thing the Master had to a child), but I liked how you portrayed him. Because he's Darth Maul, meaning he's all but mute, you can basically pick whatever personality you want for him. I've seen a lot of Darth Maul personalities, but yours was the one I liked the best.

You have very few typos. The ones that are there are pretty easy to fix. Your language is very refined. It's much better than many I've seen.

I really hope you keep writing. I think if you just give Raven a bit more personality and a bit less shouty and sassy, and do some research, you'll be fine. I hope you take these suggestions to heart. I really do look forwards to the sequel though.

-Ayy

P.S.-Keep in mind that I'm writing this on a touch screen. So I liked your story enough to waste twenty minutes writing this.

The basic premise is fine. Palpatine (or Sidious) is having dreams about a strong but untrained female Force-user, so he sends his apprentice to hunt her down and bring her back. I can see that happening!

I can actually feel a little sorry for Darth Maul as he worries about various things - such as whether or not Sidious might have his own SECRET agenda regarding this young woman, and whether or not she'll get too strong a feeling in the Force about what Darth Maul's real intentions are, and so forth. (Despite my knowledge that Maul is a villain and it would serve him right if someone stabbed him in the back.)

Now for some constructive criticism.

There are a lot of little typographical errors in this first chapter. I won't try to list them all, but I will comment on a few things that caught my attention as being potentially confusing.

One thing to start with: In the Star Wars novels I've read, whenever the author talks about the powerful universal energy field that Jedi and Sith can perceive and manipulate, it's always described as "the Force" with a capital F. That way, there's no confusion about whether the author is referring to what the Jedi and Sith use, or is just referring to something else entirely, such as "the force of her punch knocked the wind out of me."

Now I'll quote a couple of passages from your piece so I can describe what worried me about them. I'll put the quoted bits between asterisks so it's easy to tell which words are yours and which are mine.

* "Hey, Raven," the person who was leading him through the shop beside him yelled, the female paid him no mind as she finished working on the engine and waved for the man to try again, "Raven!" *

The pronouns are confusing. In that sentence you say "him" three times. The first "him" refers to Darth Maul. The second "him" also refers to Darth Maul. The third "him" is hard to figure out - at first glance, I thought you were still referring to Darth Maul, but later I decided that no, you really meant "the person" who is leading Darth Maul around and who is trying to get Raven's attention by yelling.

Also, you seem to be contradicting yourself on whether or not the female (Raven) paid any attention to the guy yelling her name.

If, as you say at first, "the female paid him no mind," then that ought to mean she didn't even wave at him or show any sign of being aware of his presence.

On the other hand: If she waved at him, then she was, in fact, acknowledging that she had heard him calling her name, and now she was reacting to it, right?

So I'd recommend rewriting that entire passage. I'd probably break it up into at least two sentences, too.

Something like this?

"Hey, Raven," yelled the person who was leading Darth Maul through the shop. The female did not react at firs but after she finished working on the engine she waved in their direction.

I don't say that version is perfect - I'm sure it ISN'T - but I think it's a little clearer on who's doing what.

A bit later, you said:

* Her accent was thick, he could tell English was not her primary language - probably Chinese by the sound of how she had trouble pronouncing some of her "r"s. *

That jarred me. Remember, as it said at the start of the original Star Wars movie, everything in Star Wars happens "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away." In other words, zillions of light-years away from Planet Earth, in a time and place where nobody had ever heard of any languages called "English" or "Chinese." (The earliest forms of those languages probably hadn't even been invented yet.)

I believe the language that most people speak in the Star Wars movies is called "Basic." We are supposed to assume that all the things we hear actors saying "in English" are just convenient translations of what the characters "really said" to each other in the original Basic. (The same way that when we watch a Hollywood movie set two thousand years ago, in the city of Rome in the heyday of the old Roman Empire, we know perfectly well the characters should have been speaking Latin all the time. But we get to hear them in English, instead!)

So if I were you, I'd have Darth Maul think that the woman didn't grow up speaking Basic as her primary language - and then I'd invent some imaginary name for another language and have Maul think that was probably her native tongue, based on the trouble she has with the "R" sound. Then, at the bottom of the chapter, I might insert an Author's Note in which I encouraged my readers to imagine Raven's voice as having an accent that "sounds Chinese."